I made a new friend this winter. Sure, he’s a fantastic chef, and super handy, and says “yes” to every adventure, but the thing I most admire about Ryan is his parenting.

His boys (ages 10 and 12 when I met them) are polite. They can survive a six-hour road trip without an electronic device. The eldest makes bacon & eggs breakfasts for the family.

I know a Super Hero when I see one, and Ryan is a Super Dad. Sure, he has his off days, but in general he’s rocking this parenting thing and I asked him to teach me his secrets.

Lesson 1: Parenting is a Choice

At some point, we have to choose to parent. Not just to procreate, but to accept our role as a parent whose job it is to prepare our kid(s) for their own adult lives.

It’s hard to make this choice. Partly because many of us don’t realize it is a choice. We think: of course we’re “parenting,” we’ve been “parenting” since that first diaper. But no. There’s a point when we switch tracks, from survival mode (“please stop crying”) to parenting (“here’s how to wash your clothes”).

It’s also hard to actively “parent” because it takes effort. Parenting is the last thing a mom or dad wants to do when they get home from work at the end of the day. It’s so easy to NOT parent. In order to give our kids the parenting they need and crave, we have to choose (yet again) to put our own needs second and our kids first.

Super Dad Ryan made this choice. After a series of “wake up” moments, he chose to be a dad to his kids. He stopped outsourcing them at every available opportunity, and changed his focus from his own rowdy adventures to creating quality family time with his boys.

In the early days of our friendship I asked Ryan how mealtimes work at his house. Specifically: “Do you eat meals together?”

Not only do they eat together at the table, they also cook and wash up together. The boys ask to be excused, then clear the plates. They play cards or backgammon or crib after dinner. They have conversations.

I read Ryan’s texted response and then looked up at my own son, plugged into his iPad and Pokemon headphones, watching YouTube cartoons while he ate his breakfast, and realized I’d been lazy.

I was still in survival mode, after those infant/toddler years, and the years of Brock’s cancer, and then our move, and then building our house … “family meals” hadn’t been a priority. But if our mealtime habits were going to change, it was up to me as the adult, the parent, to change it.

Lesson 2: Be the Grit

Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that a parent’s job is to make life easier for their kids.

When our kids are babies, we take care of them. We anticipate their needs and try to give them what they want, mostly to prevent or stop the crying.

But some of us don’t stop being the WD-40 in our children’s lives. We continue to make their appointments, chauffeur them around, manage their interpersonal conflicts and play servant to them by feeding, cleaning up after, grooming and sheltering these Little Emperors.

In part, again, we do this because it’s easier. It’s easier to just pick up the dirty clothes. It’s easier to watch Netflix while making dinner, rather than try to make conversation with a pre-teen, much less get them to prep the salad.

But if we parents don’t teach our kids these very basic life skills, who will?

Ryan takes this even further: our job is not to make life easier for our kids, it’s actually to make it harder.

It’s our job as parents to introduce challenge and conflict into our kids’ lives, at a very early age, so that they can learn (in a safe place, with a safe, loving adult) how to overcome challenges and manage conflict.

Ryan dropped this particular pearl of wisdom while we were having lunch one day, and then he reached out and took my mug of tea.

HEATHER: “That’s my tea.”

(I was ready to fight for it.)

RYAN: “So that’s where he gets it.”

Our job as parents is to TAKE the favourite toy, so that the kid can figure out how to get it back without resorting to violence. We’re right there beside them, to model good problem solving and coach them along the way.

Our job is to NOT follow the kindergartener’s precise instructions as to how to build that sandcastle, so that they can practice patience and be open to friends playing in different ways.

Introducing conflict into my son’s life felt weird at first, but it’s actually way more fun than obediently doing what he commands.

Lesson 3: Do it for Yourself

Sure, being an active parent will (you hope) give you great adult kids. But there’s a short-term benefit to all of this too: self-respect.

Being a parent rather than an enabler is good for your own sense of self-worth.

Super Dad Ryan realized one day that his kids were staring at their devices while he was making their school lunches. He felt like a servant, and alarm bells rang. Knife down: no more of that nonsense.

He figured that if the boys had the leisure time to watch mindless pap on the Internet, they had the time to make their own sandwiches. His rule now is: no devices until after breakfast and lunches are done. He still makes their lunches most of the time, but he also gets some conversation time with his kids while he mayos bread.

I have more examples of this … Ryan and his ex-wife sleep-trained their boys early on, because adult evening time mattered to them. He taught his eldest to make eggs years ago, and cleaned egg gunk off the stovetop many, many times, but now gets served perfect eggs and bacon breakfasts. (Jaxson even butters the toast.) Ryan’s taught his kids manners, knife skills, design and construction, laundry, vacuuming and more, which has made them enjoyable, confident kids and capable future adults.

Teaching basic manners is a start. It’s soul-sucking and demeaning to be ordered around by your child. You deserve to be asked for something politely (“please”) and thanked for your effort.

Permission to Try

It’s always hard to veer from your set path. Maybe your kid is older, or you have an extra-tiring job, or there are some other extenuating circumstances and “parenting” just sounds like too much work right now.

My son ate his breakfast this morning at the counter, plugged into his iPad and Pokemon headphones, watching YouTube cartoons.

But we eat dinner together at the table most days, and have conversations. I’ve taught Isaac how to make me tea. Sometimes he brings it to me in bed.

And when he struggles to get his jacket on, I force myself to keep my hands in my pockets because he will always, eventually, figure it out without my help.

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