Tag Archives: Atomic Vaudeville

January 2006

2006 in Slow Motion – Sunday, Jan.1/06 – 1:55 am
Why do we start every New Year drunk??? Tonight I was a SuperStar and SHARED my butter ripple cream liquor with some special friends at Q’s New Year’s gathering. I’ve searched for this stuff for YEARS, and only now have a bottle because I got it from Hollis (aka Evy) for Christmas. It’s The Most Amazing Alcoholic Beverage In The World. Also, I had vodka Red Bull x 2 to keep me awake, and a glass of champagne at midnight. Now I’m narrating my movements:

HEATHER: I walk into the kitchen. I put my foot on the garbage thingy. I throw Kleenex into the garbage can. I walk out of the kitchen.

Universally (that is, among my best & most loved friends at tonight’s gathering) we have decreed that 2005 was a shitty year. And that 2006 will be infinitely better. There will be more love, more sex, more personal achievement, and more self-acceptance than last year. Resolutions included all of the above. Okay, mostly sex, but that requires self-acceptance and etc. by default. So there.

Also, I saw a wee ad for Elvira Kurt’s Popcultured earlier today and there was a short (VERY short, TOO short) clip of Levi MacDougall. Levi MacDougall should BE that fucking show. I’m infuriated that he is not the headlining star. Something is wrong with the world when a wired, screaming banshee is the host of a show with guest Levi MacDougall. Anyhoo.

About Being Home
I loved seeing my folks & siblings & Hollis over the holidays, but honestly I LOVE MY HOME. I was doing dishes, and I got all soppy and happy & sentimental about my special honey dipper thing, and my special dishes, which are all sorts of bright colours, and each one has a story behind it . . . and I had TWO showers and one bath today, and I love my tub . . . and I LOVE my yellow sheets and new mattress and red duvet . . . It feels WONDERFUL to be surrounded by my Things.

And Peter the Alpha-Bun
He’s currently sitting all hunched up with his nose tucked into the crack between porch door and wall. I think he’s guarding me against the baby bunnies, or the Rat that has moved in behind the bunnies’ cage, or other intangible threats. All today he’s followed me around. I was worried he would go feral, as usual, while I was away, but I think he’s only become more attached to me. And he hasn’t paid any attention so far to the bunny slippers, from what I can tell thus far. Familiarity breeds contempt . . . I give him a week or two before he’s humping and shredding their polyester hides.

The End of 2005
Good fucking riddance. The only positives:
1. Hollis being born.
2. this website.
3. discovering Atomic Vaudeville.
4. the WONDERFUL friends I have . . . although they were around in 2004, so that doesn’t really count.

I want a New Year of creative productivity, love, unabashed enthusiasm for Each New Day, health & general well-being, and confronting That Which Makes Me Uncomfortable (but not in a dangerous way).

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Jet Lag Into the New Year – Monday, Jan.2/06 – 12:03 am
I woke up at 6am, and started acting on some minor New Year’s resolutions: to expand my network of interesting people, specifically straight single men in Victoria. My first step is to email everyone I like whom I haven’t seen recently, or whom I’ve never properly gotten to know. I’ve already had positive tea-date-RSVPs from Briana Raynor, Atomic Vaudeville’s producer, and Nate Medd, Intrepid Theatre’s #1 Dude. I also emailed Judah, an artist I met at UVic and then reunited with on the bus a few weeks ago.

Then I washed my dishes. Or maybe I did that later. Or yesterday.

Then I went back to sleep.

My 2nd morning, I started watching The War of the Roses, an anti-love story. That was intermissioned by a farewell brunch at Cup of Joe’s in Jame’s Bay, held to honour David and David who are currently on their way to Philidelphia.

I met David and David on Halloween. They were a bride & groom; I was a sheep . . . it was meant to be. For a farewell present, Quinn got us all to sign a hardcover copy of And Tango Makes Three, a children’s book based on the true story of two New York gay penguins who adopt a baby penguin. Also, I ate the Duh Franco eggs benny: bacon, tomato, pesto . . . YUMMY. Apparently I’ve lived in Victoria for 7 years without knowing that “the best eggs benny in B.C.” were being prepared at a tiny cafe in the bottom of a minimall.

Also
Today has been blurry, thanks to so many naps/Red Bull-induced wake ups. And now it’s past midnight, so it’s technically Monday already. This “time” concept is a tricky one.

Oh, Q and I rented Margaret Cho’s new show: Assassin. It was funny, but the LONG PAUSES between bits start to feel a little . . . sore . . . after awhile. We also rented March of the Penguins, on one of the David’s recommendations. Q was too tired, though, so we’ll have to watch it tomorrow or another day. David says it’s REALLY good. I’m interested to see how a 100% nature film can be a blockbuster movie.

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I Hate Technology – Monday, Jan.2/06 – 1:21 pm
Is it too early in the New Year to hate something???

I thought I’d become cool and revive MSN messenger on my computer, so I googled and read and researched and ultimately learned that I would need to install AT LEAST 3 software updates to accomodate a usable version of MSN Messenger. Whatever, I’m smart, so I began the process . . . and learned that my hard drive doesn’t even have the capacity to host the FIRST update, nevermind anything further. So fuck MSN. You people can email or call me or see me in real life.

Tea!!!!!
I chose my new Tetley Vanilla Earl Grey tea this morning!!! (It arrived via my Christmas stocking.) Whoever thought to combine tea + vanilla MUST be a wonderful person. Unless they’re a rapist. No rapist can be a good person.

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Lasagna With Ricotti Cheese – Tuesday, Jan.3/06 – 9:25 pm
Q was gloomy today and I was more awake than I expected, so I made us lasagna after work. Sometimes we need a little domestic nurturing to make things bearable.

New People in the New Year
The girls and I are planning a New People Happy Hour event for Friday, January 13th. I’ve composed an inspirational invitation, and we’re sending it to every single straight person we can think of in Victoria. If I’ve missed you, please let me know — I keep thinking of new names.

And Back to “Issues Management”
It was hard to wake up at 6:30am, but I managed. My new boss is named Kelly and he seems to be a pretty nice guy. I really do love my job . . . there’s just the right mix of responsibility and self-direction. I just have to readjust to the godawful hours. Both Kelly and our other new guy, Dave, are veterans at issues management, media shite, etc. and I’m VERY excited to see what they can teach me. It’s like I’m graduating to the next level of media communications.

Also, Karen commented that my New People Happy Hour invitation was one of the most motivational bits o’ writing she’s ever read — she’s coming, and she already has a smoochie partner! Must I remind y’all: THAT’S why I get paid the big bucks.

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Watched Movies Since 5pm – Wednesday, Jan.4/06 – 9:40 pm
Mr. & Mrs. Smith: aside from the sexy stars, this wasn’t any more than your average action film. Angelina was better than Brad at some shit, and there weren’t too many sexist assumptions.

Melinda and Melinda: the lead (Melinda) looks a lot like Cameron Diaz. But without the huge smile. I didn’t know it was a Woody Allen movie when I rented it; five minutes of Will Ferrell’s character and the camera shots with only one person conversing would have revealed the Allen-ness. Good movie, if typical: urbane New Yorkers who well-enunciate their extensive vocabulary and artsy Socratic dialogue.

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My Interior iPod is Missing a Play List – Thursday, Jan.5/06 – 11:28 pm
I heard this song on the radio the other day. It was almost Eminem-esque rappy for parts, and then all harmonics on the chorus. The chorus was something like:
“The higher I climb . . .” and then something about angels and other people trying to “take me down” . . . can’t remember, but it was REALLY GREAT, and I tried very hard to remember the goddamn words so that I could track down the song.

And now I have no idea what it is.

I’ve googled the patchy lyrics I can recall, and even checked out iTunes (I think it’s a newer song). If anyone knows what the hell it is, PLEASE let me know — I can only hum the tune and it’s making me crazy.

Mysterious Sleep Patterns
They aren’t mysterious. I just like the adjective.

I’ve been experimenting with different ways to cope with my early morning work hours, which actually aren’t all that early these days since the house isn’t in session. I’ve tried staying awake despite craving a nap, and then going to bed at 8:30 pm or 9. Tonight I slept from 4:30pm to 7, then watched some craptv (including a 30 minute bit on Eminem’s Curtain Call album — I despise VJays and their meaningless banter). Now I’m off to bed at a late hour, but with a good amount of sleep in me. (Does that make any sense?)

And Also
I’m extremely pleased with the response so far to our New People Happy Hour invitations! Jessie, Liv and I have sent emails to everyone we can think of, and they’ve forwarded those emails . . . I’m already shocked that there are straight single available men in Victoria who are coming to this event, whom I’ve never met! I really didn’t think there were any new men left in this goddamn city.

My hands smell like feet. I’m concerned that it’s my bathrobe. Or just transfer (sexy CSI term) from when I put on my woolie socks . . . sorry, that was personal and gross.

I didn’t mention (I don’t think) the agony I suffered over holidays due to my bottom left wisdom tooth. I was popping Advil and applying numbing gel every hour. But now it’s sort of grown in, without the help/hindrance of any dentist, and I can’t feel it at all. Now just the top ones remain . . .

Bunnies
Caramel and Seamus are doing that thing where everytime I put out their food dish they dive for it like I haven’t fed them in three weeks. Can bunnies play mind games???

Peter is currently under my desk, nipping at my toes (I’m in his territory). He’s been fairly perky and amicable since I came home.

And CoWorker Michelle’s bunny Emma died over the holidays, so here’s a moment of silence for him (Emma was a male) . . .

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVY!!!!!!

Friday Adventures – Jan.6/06 – lunchtime
After work I will have a recuperative nap, and then I’m meeting up with Jessie & Liv for a Girly Adventure night. We’re all excited about our future plans . . . tonight, then Liv’s belated Birthday/House Warming thang tomorrow, and our New People Happy Hour next Friday. I feel very content these days, because there is so much POTENTIAL.

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Good Martinis . . . – Saturday, Jan.7/06 – 9:33 am
We were all impressed with the quality of the martinis at Swan’s Brewhouse. But the quality just lured us to drink more, despite being aware of how FREAKING STRONG they were . . . and suddenly we were leaving Swan’s, with its late-30’s crowd and a greasy plate of what used to be a large order of nachos.

The rule: we do not wait in lines. Luckily, we’re all getting old so we’re at the club/bar/whatever by 9 or 10, and therefore there’s no line. We went to Darcy’s, which is known for its disproportionate number of (straight) male patrons. I think that’s because it’s one of the first pubs a tourist would find downtown. There are usually a lot of UVic and Camosun students, and a fair number of business men schmoozing with each other. (Business men tend to have tabs at the bar — we like these men, because they are very generous with their corporate expense accounts.)

People we saw that we already knew included: Glen (dated Jessie briefly) and Ben & Jorgen (Q’s ex-neighbours). We made casual friends with the students at the table next door (after they bought us a round of drinks — nice boys!). Liv fell in temporary love with the bassist on stage; his band played all the (cover) songs the previous band played but not as well. Jessie & I were done at 12:30am -ish . . . Jessie was sleepy, I was drunk. Poor Liv. She needs some younger, cooler girl friends . . . but we had a good time!!!

And Now
This was the first night I drank too much while “out” downtown. I’m usually pretty careful, and I don’t LIKE to drink too much (I get sleepy and can’t recall the people I meet/conversations/plans). It must have been those uber-strong martinis . . .

I’ve made a pot of tea, taken two extra-strength Tylenol, and I’m drinking water constantly. Hopefully I’ll be back to my chipper self by 7 tonight — for Liv’s Belated B-Day and House Warming Extravaganza!!!!!!

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Reluctant Update – Sunday, Jan.8/06 – 3:23 am
I wasn’t going to bother writing here — I’m tired and ready for a hot shower & bed — BUT when I made myself a plate of crackers & cheese I somehow managed to cut exactly the same number of cheese slices as crackers on the plate (really, I didn’t count or plan that at all) and that’s pretty fucking cool. So: an update here.

Best Pick-Up Line Of the Night
HEATHER: I like your glasses.

GUY: I like your prettiness.

(aww!!!!)

General Summary of Events
Went to Liv’s for her Belated Birthday / Housewarming. Guests: Roxanna & her hubby Rick, Channelle, Jessie, Quinn, Lauren & Lucas. Ate good food. Drank “wine.” Went to Evolution. Q was a good sport (Evolution is NOT his preferred scene). Danced, drank cider, danced, was fondled, met someone neat, etc. Some drunk boy tried to swing dance with me. Almost killed me. Left bar; home at 3:20am-ish.

Now: bath & bed!!!! Ohmigod, I LOVE MY MATTRESS.

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Accidental Stalking – Sunday, Jan.8/06 – 11:15 pm
I’m watching a really great Comedy Now! show — Russell Peters (did I hear that right????) is awesome. Best “ethnic” humour I’ve ever heard — nothing offensive, just observant and FUNNY and good-humoured.

Anyhoo, the stalking . . . there was a commercial for AltDot, a Monday night comedy thang at the Rivoli in Toronto. The Rivoli was home to the Kids in the Hall, and lately . . . LEVI MACDOUGALL.

Ohmigod.

I wish the Comedy Network was broadcasting the show, and not just sponsoring . . . how unfair to those of us NOT in Toronto.

Damn you Torontonians. I’ve never been jealous of you before today.

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Crackling Noise – Monday, Jan.9/06 – 8:32 pm
Either it’s raining, or the house next door is on fire.

Other Random Stuff
I really need to clean the bunnies’ litterboxes.
Instead, I bought some smelly oil from The Body Shop. It smells like sugar . . .

For the second day in a row I’ve randomly turned on the music channel to find an Eminem special. The first one was a big promo for his Greatest Hits, Curtain Call. Today’s was a recap of some of his “tv moments” . . . My prediction: in retrospect, Eminem will be considered the van Gogh of our generation. Except that he hopefully won’t cut his ear off and die. And also, he’s famous while still alive. But genius-wise, I think that’s what’s going to happen.

New People Happy Hour
I finally got around to making a reservation! We’ve been getting a little nervous as our RSVP list grows . . . although I always expect our plans to Go Huge, so I’m not that surprised at the interest that’s been expressed. We’re a city of isolated, horny single people.

The manager-guy is named Steve (I think). I wanted to make the reservation in person so he’d remember me — we are regulars, and our loyalty + the large number of attendees will hopefully lead to some special treatment for our group. I was hinting at free appies, but we’ll see. We’ll have a section to ourselves, and with five days’ warning there should be enough staff to accomodate our thirsty needs.

Peter Gets in on the Action
Neighbour Kim has suggested that Peter’s new affection for me, and corresponding lack of skitteriness, is possibly due to his maturation. He’s four or five years old now, so that’s middle-age in bunny-years. Maybe he’s accepted that I’m his Mate For Life, and he’s decided to commit to this relationship.

It’s remarkable, though, how easygoing and loving he’s been. I can step right over him to get something and he won’t even blink. (Most bunnies would stomp and run for cover. At least, Peter would have a year ago.) He’s currently grooming my slippers . . .

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When TV is Good – Tuesday, Jan.10/06 – 11:29 pm
I’m up late but I napped from 4:30 to 8, so it all works out mathematically . . .

I watched tv tonight because the shows were good and actually worthwhile. Two episodes of Scrubs (I love that show), Criminal Minds (which was about an abduction) and Law & Order: SVU (another abduction, dammit). Also, I am a SuperStar because I cleaned the bunnies’ litterboxes during a commercial break. They love me again. Peter is munching on the fresh hay in his box . . . isn’t that weird, that bunnies eat the same stuff they shit on? True, they seem to divide the box into “food area” and “poop area” but still, there have to be some nasty germs fermenting in that hay.

Then again, bunnies are vegans, so maybe it’s all just some beautifully organic, 100% natural cycle.

Ew.

About Smelly Oil From The Body Shop
I put the oil in a metal cuppy thing that’s suspended over a tea light . . . the instructions say a few drops are enough, but then the oil evaporates and it sort of started smoking. Is that supposed to happen? Should I be using more oil? Is this a fire hazard, even though it’s just metal and not ceramic or some other, more flammable material?

And One Last thing
We’re all excited about Friday. Jessie and Liv have found alternative love affairs to keep them going this past week, so there will be more single males for me (and two helpful girlfriends to matchmake)!

I love new adventures!!!!!!!

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True Conspiracy Theories – Wednesday, Jan.11/06
Ducks Unlimited, the “world leader in wetlands conservation,” hunts ducks. Or enables/promotes duck hunting. VERY perverse.

Some Want a Knight in Shining Armour . . .
. . . the women in my family lust after construction workers. I met a really friendly, attractive, smart guy this morning while waiting for the bus. He’s a carpenter-in-training for Farmer Construction . . . he lives just up the street from me, and works across from my bus stop. I really really hope I see him again.

Ugh
Except for my a.m. carpenter-love rush, I feel icky today. I think I haven’t eaten enough meat recently. Need some protein.

Confirmed New People Happy Hour Guests
Me, Jessie, Liv, Karen, Jeremy x2, Simon, Jawant, Nadia, Briana, Darcy, Bryan (and cousin and friend, hopefully!), Lara, Jen, Dan, Jennifer, Brent, Dennis, Savannah, Natalie’s ambulance guys, Jessica, Lauren (YAY!), Channelle, Leah, Tristan, Hope, Lee, Britt & Saul.

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Jessie is Sick Today – Thursday, Jan.12/06
Poor chickee. I hope she’s okay for tomorrow’s New People thing.

Eminem is shouting in my head, thanks to my purchase of, and chronic listening to, Curtain Call. I love Eminem. I made sure to get the one with the swearwords — my copy of the Marshall Mathers LP is censored and half the songs are edited-out silence. I think the cashier at A&B Sound was mocking my choice of Eminem, but I couldn’t tell because she was very smily. I made sure to mention Ani DiFranco, just in case, to prove I am a well-rounded and educated music-listener.

Last night I did two loads of laundry!!!! I am very proud. I hate the drier in our house, though, so I hung up all the shirts and put my socks & undies on a dry rack. Air-dried socks are crispy, but at least they’re also clean.

After consulting with Q, Liv & Jessie at lunch yesterday we decided to go ahead and buy “Hello, My Name Is . . .” stickers for tomorrow. We’re trying to find that line between uncomfortable stranger silence and dorky organisation. Perhaps we’re underestimating the effects of alcohol . . . and the desire of fellow isolated singles to meet new people.

The Carpenter
I admit, I’m a little sad that my earlier work hours will keep me from “running into” my new carpenter love. I’ve considered making posters for the bus shelters . . . “WANTED: friendly carpenter-in-training who isn’t afraid of women in yellow.” Or I could just be patient and wait for fate to figure this one out.

And My Iffy Mood Yesterday
Despite what’s been suggested (“You need to get laid, Heather”) I think it’s a creative frustration. Work, my new mattress, the bunnies, love and even sex are pleasant distractions, but the reason I’m still around is to pursue creative fulfillment. And I haven’t been working on a new play or story or anything for awhile. Hopefullly this month’s Atomic Vaudeville will inspire me.

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Exciting New Connections – Thursday, Jan.12/06 – 10:02 pm
After my nap I received TWO phone calls from men I’ve never spoken with before.

The first was from Jim, the quiet one from Darcy’s last Friday. Him and his guy friends are coming tomorrow (I gave them a paper invitation, along with my phone number for Jim). It’s funny how I’ve become so jaded re: the opening stages of dating. Back in the day I’d give my number to some hottie I met and then actually remember him when he called (or notice that he didn’t). These days I tend to forget about the whole thing until/unless he’s suddenly on the phone. And even then I need a brief reminder of the situation when we met.

Then Bill called — he’s a gov’t lacky that Boss Barb thinks I’d like. He’s also coming tomorrow night. Apparently he’s quite tall, although he didn’t laugh at my HILARIOUS jokes on the phone, and that’s never a good sign. I’d just woken up from my nap, though, so maybe I was muttering . . .

Jessie sounds like a sick old man on the phone. She slept all day today and gargled various liquids, so I really really hope she’s better for tomorrow . . . I’ll prop her up in the corner if I have to.

Oh, and I went for a drink with Nathan after work. His relationship just ended, and he’s rather a wreck. I urged him to stop in tomorrow with the promise that I’d only introduce him to unavailable women, since he’s not yet ready to return to the single lifestyle. Which is handy, since my unavailable girlfriends need some ManCandy to play with, and this way they won’t waste our available male guests.

We’re all pretty excited about our New People Happy Hour . . . I had 30 confirmed guests before I stopped counting (there was a ridiculous influx of emails & phone calls today from prospective guests). I was even worried, for about 3 seconds, that there might be more men then women . . . but this is Victoria. That’s not possible.

Sudoku
The introduction to one of my Sudoku books says that all the puzzles therein are 100% solveable using logic alone (ie no guessing required). And I think I’ve assumed that this is true for ALL Sudoku puzzles, because I’ve suddenly hit a wall in at least two different books . . . either there’s a new logical strategy that I haven’t figured out yet, or I need to try a “what if the answer here is 6?” methodology. I don’t like that idea . . . Sudoku puzzles are enjoyable (for me) because they are a new sort of logic puzzle. Why would I waste my time on guessing puzzles????

Anyhoo, for now I’m leaving those stuck ones alone. Then I’ll go back and erase them, and send copies to my sister (aka Sudoku Master Evy) and see if she can figure them out without guessing.

 

Confirmed New People Happy Hour Guests
I’ve lost count.

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Wow – Saturday, Jan.14/06 – 2:58 am
Wow.

So, our New People Happy Hour was a success. Despite Jessie being stuck at home with uber-contagious strep throat, and Liv being stuck in a room full of strangers (ie NOT her comfort zone).

Details: I was at Syn at 4:30pm to catch any early birds, and I sat there drinking a yummy martini and meeting the servers (who were numerous, due to our large reservation) and watching the manager pace nervously, waiting for my other 39 reservations to appear. Then Liv & our coworkers showed at 5, followed by some strangers (aka New People), and then it just got really busy.

I worked a miracle by having more men than women at a Victoria event. It was actually kind of awkward. But I pointed out to some of the men that this was their chance to learn empathy for us poor Victoria women.

At about 7pm I’d guess there were 60 or more people crammed into our half of Syn. Some of our guys spilled over into the lounge, which provided an excuse for some of our more assertive women to meet the other (non-New People Party) men over there.

Sadly, I am not currently in love as a result of this evening. I met LOTS of new people, and would even go out with a few of them for drinks or a movie or something, but no Lust At First Sight sort of situation occurred. However, I did notice that Bryan and Jessica left together to go dancing (or something), and Nadia & Darcy finally got to meet and talk properly.

The New People of the Night Award Goes To . . .
They aren’t really New People to me, but Lauren and Savannah were my favourites this evening. They are smily people regardless, but I really appreciated their openness and friendliness and positive outlook on the whole experience. Also, they shared their pizza with me. Savannah’s already shacked up with her man, but Lauren was a Hot Little Single Gal and WOWed at least 2 men there (Evan and Scott, the actual stranger we recruited from the bar). I love assertive people. We tend to get what we want.

And Weird AfterShocks Include
I left at 9:15 pm or so, due to tiredness and diminishing sparkliness. I was walking up Fort and caught a cab, and the driver HIT ON ME. I have never had that happen before ever. Kahn was the driver — I think he was 30-something — and not only did he give me his card with cellphone number to call, BUT ALSO he didn’t charge me for the ride home.

Then I packed my stuff and walked/bussed to Q’s to doggysit Celeste.

And as we were falling asleep, my phone rang, but I didn’t answer it because I was falling asleep.

But I just now checked my messages, and it seems that Natalie’s ambulance guys DID show up after I left, and some guy named Cory wants to meet me. Even left his phone number. Crazy.

Celeste, Sleeping
She does this thing when she’s deep asleep, where she stretches out her front legs VERY SUDDENLY, and then the right one folds over at the “knee” joint in slow motion. It’s so cute. Except for when she’s sleeping facing me, and claws me in the face.

Why Am I Awake???
I wanted to write down this stuff asap but was too sleepy when I got here . . . and now I can’t sleep. It’s bothering Celeste, whose duty it is to protect me at all times, and so now she can’t sleep either and is sitting on the couch whimpering at me to Come Back To Bed, Dammit.

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BYOH(eather) Night – Sunday, Jan.15/06 – 7:52 am
I spent a lot of time yesterday with Liv, interspersed with naps and craptv! We walked Celeste on Dallas Road, thereby building up Good Karma for the rest of our day/lives. It was very very windy and rather chilly, and it made our faces all “ruddy.” Very healthy of us. Celeste got filthy and was fairly well-behaved, even around the rotties (which she tends to preemptively attack).

Then a Celeste-bath and intermission.

We went to Cafe Mexico for dinner. At Cafe Mexico I’m inevitably tempted by my memories of the Alambres (aka steak shishkabobs) from back in 1997 when they weren’t covered in uber-spicy sauce, so I always order them and then can’t finish. This time I felt ill afterwards (spice + lime margharitas + limited eating earlier in the day = sick sick Heather) but a glass of gingerale and a bowl of plain taco chips made things right again.

And then we went to Evolution, Liv’s favourite anti-club, and met up with Lauren, Lauren’s man Lucas, and Lauren’s visiting galpal Heather.

Summary of the Evening @ Evolution
Sat and watched people a lot, which I very much enjoyed. Evolution patrons tend to act more human than the people at any other bar in Victoria. This is strange, considering the disproportionate number of metalheads, gothboys, women-in-horns, and others wearing chainmail. For example:

Evolution is very gay-friendly. I’ve seen more lesbians there than at Prism (the “gay bar”). They dance and snuggle on the speakers.

Speaking of speakers (haha), they are a favourite dance location for the same women who never seem to be at the other clubs, much less dancing: chubby girls, girls with big boobs (naturally so, not bra-made), the extra-tall . . . People at Evolution tend to look like Normal People.

Men dance. Even the straight ones. Because they want to.

I saw one couple dirty-dancing it up, and the guy was laughing because it was JUST SO FUNNY to watch the girl gyrate around. None of this “I’m so cool I have no facial expression — OHMIGOD SHE’S TOUCHING ME — face of stone” fakery.

The men who approach me are nice, polite men. They might be drunk, but they aren’t in denial about it, and they don’t cling (figuratively or literally) if I don’t want them to.

Anyhoo.

I was feeling great until I went to the washroom and suddenly became VERY AWARE of my jiggly arms. WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?????!!!! No time for push-ups, though, I had to get back to our table and the dance floor, despite feeling all self-conscious. And so I danced stiffly for a song or two, and then returned to my people-watching, and not only one but TWO men subsequently approached me to tell me I was lovely and hot. So I stopped thinking about my jiggly arms.

Those I met include: a married guy (I’d guess unhappily) who complimented me after staring for way too long; B/Ryan, a 33 year old dental technician in a toque who sat at the table beside ours; “Mackal,” who I thought was sort of pretty (he stopped talking to me after we introduced ourselves, so I worried about bad breath for a good five minutes until I found some gum); and Adam, a 24 year old student/worker who just returned from teaching faulty English in Japan for a year.

Adam was terribly drunk but also lovely. I gave him my phone number, and I even hope he calls.

So that’s it. I came home via cab driver “Liz,” fed Celeste and took her out to pee, and now it’s 8:17 am and I’m awake, despite getting to bed at 3am or later.

Maybe I’ll go back to bed now.

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Updates re: Love Stuff – Monday, Jan.16/06 – lunchtime
Forgot to mention – on Saturday I woke up to a bunch of message on my voice mail, two of which were from a guy named Corey Smith.

1st MESSAGE: This is Corey Smith. I really wanted to meet you, but you’re not here. My phone number . . . um . . . fuck!

2nd MESSAGE: This is Corey. I just left a message. I remembered my phone number – it’s xxx-xxxx. I want to meet you. So yeah.

I thought that was pretty funny, so we ended up going for brunch at Pluto’s on Sunday. Corey’s only 21, so I’ll just make it clear from the start that I’m done with young’uns and therefore we won’t be breeding. He’s also short (5-seven, maybe?) but he’s a really beautiful, funny guy with the best smile I’ve ever seen (except for Matte’s). Corey is a plumber from a family of plumbers, so we talked about apprenticeships and other construction-related topics (Sparkies, trusses, HVAC, the usual), and his hometown has only 1200 people so we bonded re: small towns (riding dirtbikes on the highways, going to the one local bar and knowing everyone there, being naïve vs. friendly . . .) and we ate good food. Also, Corey drives a truck and is going to the Bryan Adams concert. Hee hee.

Also, I haven’t heard from Adam (the drunk guy at Evolution) yet. That’s a shame.
And I have a lunch date tomorrow.

Food-Centric Monday
When I was walking to work this morning I passed the Christian supplies store and there was a “Christian cookbook” in the window. Ever since, I’ve been thinking of potential recipes . . .

– Crucifix Cheese Sticks (with marinara dip)
– LOTS of lamb dishes
– old family recipes, from the BC years
– pork alternatives
– Pope Benny’s Homestyle Holy Communion Crisps
. . .

Before That, On the Bus
I met Bryan, one of the chefs from the Irish Times Pub. I complimented his Bailey’s creme brulee, and if they get rid of the prunes in the Bailey’s chicken salad then that’s because of me. I didn’t bother mentioning the nachos (aka the worst nachos in Victoria) . . . I’ll save that for when we’re better friends.

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I’m a Sicky Sick – Tuesday, Jan.17/06 – 12:13 pm
Last night my throat started to hurt, and this morning it felt like a brick was stuck in my esophagus. So I did my morning work from home, and then called in sick, and watched Miss Marple.
I thought I had strep throat, since Jessie’s been out sick all week, but I went to the clinic when it opened and Dr. Duvenage says it’s still only a viral infection. It could turn into strep, but I’m not contagious (any more than a cold is) so I can go to work tomorrow, unless I wake up with a fever and swollen glands.

So I rented some movies, bought a huge jug of orange juice and a frozen pizza, and I’m going to sleep, pop Cepacol lozenges & Advil, and hope that I feel normal by tomorrow.

Also, while I was at the clinic Adam (the drunk one from Evolution Saturday night) called and left a message. Very exciting . . .

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Piles o’ Snotty Kleenexes – Wednesday, Jan.18/06 – 6 pm
I suppose I should be grateful that my sore throat was the precursor of a cold, and not strep throat.

I managed to go to work today, and even do some work, but thanks to illness + DayQuil I was hazy and cranky all day. Barb let me leave early: I bought two boxes of methol Kleenexes, which are the most amazing invention ever and highly recommended by me if you locate them, and a box of lotion Kleenexes because my nose was turning red from using the toilet paper at work.

Then I slept.

Sooo I’m hoping I am back to normal soon, since this is icky and I have dates to go on and men to meet, and I prefer being able to think in general.

I’m not all that hungry . . . every time I get sick I half-remember that “feed a fever, starve a cold” aphorism. Half-remember, because I think I might have it backward . . . but I just eat what I feel like eating. And sometimes when sick I eat like a teenage boy mid-growth spurt. On the menu for tonight: soup, if I can find some in the cupboard, and the rest of my orange juice.

Ugh.

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Intrepid Worker Bee Goes Squoosh – Thursday, Jan.19/06 – 6:49 pm
When I woke up this morning I felt better . . . sleepy and disoriented, but that’s normal at 6am. So I went to work, and lasted almost an hour, and then came home. All before most of you were even awake!

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. I made chicken soup, which tasted amazing, and macaroni & cheese (which should be cheesier — I didn’t have any cottage cheese to stir up in it before cooking). And I’ve been drinking OJ, hot water & honey, and water. So I expect to be better asap. Or at least by tomorrow evening, so I can go out with Adam and then meet my Favourites for margaritas at 8pm.

Adam, the Drunk Guy From Evolution
Here’s everything I know so far about Adam:

He’s 24 (his birthday is April 20, 1981); he lived in Japan for a year teaching English and now works at a construction equipment rental place full-time, and does school in the evenings; he’s still choosing between Malaysian Studies and something else that I can’t remember; he says things he isn’t supposed to (like me!!), instead of “playing games,” although I think it’s rather endearing that he waited the mandatory 3 days before calling me. Sounds like he’s getting advice from SOMEone re: being cool and aloof; he got a cell phone today (which I know because I’ve received one text message and two phone messages already); he’s 6-feet tall or something else appropriate; he’s blond in that dark-skin, white teeth way . . .

I hope I’m healthy tomorrow so we can go on our planned walk ‘n’ talk.

Oh, and he lives in James Bay.

Things I Think About When I’m Sick
1. my body piercings. I suppose it’s a good sign that my belly piercing is unusually puss-y today . . . shows that my insides are rebelling against foreign ickiness and trying to fix me. The only times I really think about my nose stud is when it gets caught on a towel, or when I have a cold . . . everytime I blow my nose the back hoop spins around and sticks out.

2. tv. Wow, it’s really really bad. When I’ve been awake I’ve hunted for something decent to watch, and there’s NOTHING. Currently, Hamlet (the one with Ethan Hawk and Julia Stiles) is on . . . thank god. I’ve been craving DVDs all day . . . maybe the Muppet Show series, or Family Guy . . .

3. I should really clean my house. I swept up dust balls and bunny hair today . . . a good start.

4. Peter needs his nails clipped.

5. I LOVE MY MATTRESS.

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Talking ‘Bout Abortion – Friday, Jan.20/06 – 6:06 pm
Because . . . why not?

So I’ve been thinking about how to properly articulate my thoughts on abortion ever since Zac brought it up back in October. And now it’s a major theme on Law & Order: Criminal Intent, so the time seems right to spell it out.

I think the problem with “pro-choice” vs. “pro-life” is that those two terms aren’t mutally exclusive. I support freedom of choice, and I like things to live. And I find most arguments against abortion very convincing, such as:
– free choice shouldn’t affect the free choice of others. (This is why I despise most smokers.) So technically I disapprove of a woman’s choice affecting her foetus’s.
– if I’m old enough to have sex, I’m old enough to acknowledge that sex has risks, like STDs and AIDS and pregnancy. It’s not the foetus’s fault that I “messed up” with contraception or lack there-of.
– in case of rape . . . I’ve never been raped, so I can’t properly empathise with that frame of mind. But even if that nullifies the argument above, an abortion would be punishing the foetus, not the rapist.

BUT the fact is that I do NOT believe we can tell someone what they can’t do. I hate smoking, but the most I can do is bitch about it, ask smokers to be considerate, and (if I really care) inspire change on a legislative level. And that’s my right.

And despite the arguments above, the fact is that My Body/Life is My Body/Life and no one has the right to control what I do with it. They can make their arguments known, but I’m a thinking person and I can make my own decisions.

The bottom line is that we each have the right to make our own choices. I resent the idea that government or activisits don’t think I deserve that right. It’s patronizing. The arguments above are valid, and I have the right to consider them, to think of rebuttals, and to come up with new pro/cons. No one has the right to take away my right to even CONSIDER abortion.

Meanwhile
A group of us are going for margaritas tonight. I feel better, in that I’m not spewing snot anymore, but I sound sick and I cough sometimes. So I will limit myself to lime margaritas: the citrus will be good for me.

I called Spencer to invite him and he said that Tim, the tall, red-haired gov’t worker who Spencer’s been trying to hook me up with, WAS AT MY NEW PEOPLE PARTY.

Ohmigod.

I’ve been thinking of the various Tims . . . I think he’s the one that came with Channelle and Tristan, from Channelle’s office. I can’t quite remember what he looked like . . . tallish, blonde(?), maybe glasses . . . Anyhoo, it’s freaking amazing that he was there. Spencer said Tim had a hair cut that week, and Spencer said:

SPENCER: So, you’re still single? still looking? Because this friend of mine (gestures to photo on mirror, strategically placed for this very possibility) is having a singles’ party.

TIM: Yeah, I think I was invited to that.

Ohmigod.

Also, I was supposed to hang out with Adam today after his work but he called and was “bagged” so we’ve postponed to Sunday (his day off). I also told him about margaritas tonight, so he might show up there.

Adam’s such a cutie patootie. He said he’s been feeling like a stalker, calling me all the time . . . and it hasn’t been THAT much, so I think he’s just THINKING about me all the time. Yep.

Did I mention I’m feeling better? I think it was that second nap. Made the difference between snotty nose and clear head.

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Meeting the Significant Others – Saturday, Jan.21/06 – 8:58 am (why must I always wake up before anyone else on the weekends????!!!!!!)

Margaritas were yummy and the company was great last night. I had two lime margaritas and I feel even healthier than I did last night. We split up at about 10:30pm, with Nadia driving Liv, Rowan and Darcy, and I caught a ride home with Jessie’s new man, who’d come to pick her up for their evening date. On the way home he accidentally called Jessie his girlfriend, right before I (ever so obtuse) reminded her that more than 3 girls going dancing Saturday night would limit the attention we’d get from single men. Anyhoo, here’s how it went down:

JON: Liv wasn’t wearing spiky things or black makeup or anything. I expected all that from what you said.

JESSIE: (mumbles something drunkenly from the back seat, about how much we love Liv)

JON: I thought, hey, a pretty blonde — I’d go out with her — except that I have a girlfriend. Er, a friend who’s a girl. Um.

Haha.

Tonight we are going out dancing. (“We” = Liv, Jessie & me, and whoever else they invite.)

Also, I’m going for a walk ‘n’ talk with Bill (a set-up via CoWorker Barb) this afternoon. These are my preferred “dates” because I like walking and noticing all the neato things in Victoria’s neighbourhoods, and you get to people-watch, and drink tea, and it’s healthy, and there are minimal awkward silences because there’s always something new around you to trigger conversation.

The only occasional drawback is the weather — it can be cold & windy and/or rainy all of a sudden. But then you just find a cafe or a pub and wait it out.

Breaking the Rainy Record
Perhaps you heard that Victoria (and/or Vancouver) almost broke its 28-day record for “consecutive rainy days”?? This pisses me off. The phrase “consecutive rainy days” implies day after day of non-stop rain, when all it took to qualify as a “rainy day” was a few millimetres at some point every 24 hours. Often, this qualifying rain fell overnight. Between beautiful sunny daytimes.

It’s this sort of misleading media that perpetuates the illusion of Vancouver Island / the West Coast as a drippy offshoot of Canada. It’s what keeps all you Toronto-ians and “interior” BCers away. I suppose that’s sort of a good thing, since it already gets too crowded here in the summer, but I resent the subsequent pity . . . honestly, it rains but NOT THAT MUCH, certainly not as much as in Vancouver. There are lots of other weather-related issues I could bitch about.

Weather-Related Issues That Deserve Bitching About
Vancouver Island is a padded room when it comes to weather. We get no extremes. When it’s hot enough to start fires, it’s still humid. But it’s not nearly as humid as Ontario, so we get no smog (or the corresponding fantastic skies). It rains, but without the AMAZING sheet + zigzag lightning that you get in the Kootenays. We just have grey skies for five months. The coldest it gets is when the humid air from the Pacific rolls in, but again, that’s pathetic compared to the Atlantic coast — some people here don’t even bother wearing scarves. Toques are a FASHION STATEMENT, not a necessity. How sad is this??

The most adrenalin I’ve ever enjoyed from weather here in Victoria was due to a rainy + windy day, when my umbrella flipped inside out. So then I went inside.

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WHY AM I AWAKE??? – Sunday, Jan.22/06 – 6:28 am
I went to bed at 3:20am. This is ridiculous.

Liv, Jessie and I went to Evolution last night, and Adam called and said he wanted to come by, so he showed up at about 11:30pm, and then we danced a lot and talked/shouted over the music a lot, and made mental lists of all the stories we want to tell each other today (Sunday), when we won’t have to shout and can sit down/walk somewhere and drink tea and talk like normal, sober people.

I should point out that both times I’ve spent with Adam, I was sober (despite a few earlier drinks) and he was not. We’ve decided that if he’s a boring sober person we’ll move our tea date to a pub.

(Ohmigod, Dad, I’m being Mom-on-Whatever-Island-in-1979!!!!!!!!! I suppose this means Adam might be The One for me. Let’s hope he’s a gooder like you.)

I suppose it’s odd to actually LIKE a person when they’re drunk . . . I mostly know un-suave/mouthy/giddy drunks (aka Liv, Jessie, and me). Or maybe not, since inhibitions are lessened and Adam claims he’s a shy guy normally. But I really really like him. When he’s been drinking.

New Stuff I Know About Adam
(wow, you’re geting sick of this already . . . I can tell. Oh well.)

– He was in some sort of accident (to be disclosed at our tea date — Adam told Jessie something about being hit with a shoe????) when in Japan and some part of his right hand doesn’t work. It’s always cold, or at least colder than his other hand.

– He’s used the word “saucy” twice in actual sentences (when with me).

– He went to South Park school in James Bay (hahahahahahahaha that never gets old).

– He’s 6’7″ (he claimed) or 6-feet (we measured). I was subtle about the whole “I Can Only Love Tall Men” thing . . . people tend to judge me as shallow if I’m too obvious.

– Coffee hurts his tummy.

There was more, but I can’t really remember it all. I wasn’t drunk, but I was sleepy. I appreciated that Adam was polite to Liv & Jessie, and he chatted up the men who tried to seduce them, and he was disappointed that we hadn’t been able to have a proper, real-life conversation yet, but instead had to have another shouting-encounter in a club. I like how straight-forward he is:

ADAM: I wanted to smack your bum just then, but didn’t.

. . . and he claims he’s just as straight-forward when sober, except that he turns red.

Okay. Hopefully that’s exorcised the Adam-obsessions that have been keeping me awake after only 3 HOURS OF SLEEP, dammit. I’ll try bed again . . .

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Naps Are Wonderful – Sunday, Jan.22/06 – 8:11 pm
Despite minimal sleep and a serious resurgence of my Christmas Eve Complex I managed to have tea with Adam today.

It was weird — I’ve become comfortable around him, but this was his practically-first time sober around me, so I had to remember that No, We’re not that familiar, and step back into the “getting to know you” stage rather than the “do I get a kiss this time?” way of thinking. Also, I was worried that he might not be as attracted to me without his beer goggles . . . although the first time he saw me (I think) he wasn’t drinking yet. All in all, a (predictably) awkward “first date.”

But I’ve invited him to Atomic Vaudeville this Thursday (he has classes in the evening so I don’t know how that will work out) and he said he’d call me tomorrow. Also, I know for a fact that my hair smelled good. That’s a positive.

As for his accident in Japan . . . he was teaching English in Okinawa and rode his scooter into a typhoon. He broke his collarbone (and neck???) and got intensive surgeries for 2 months on his right arm and hand. He has AMAZING scars all over, including a zigzag on his neck/chest from where they grafted tendons taken from his leg.

Adam is Like the Following Movie SuperStars
– Harry Potter (zigzag scar)
– Christopher Reeves (near-paralysis — is that tasteless of me?)
– that fire guy from Fantastic Four (Adam has a very high body temperature)
– the Bionic Man / Terminator / Million Dollar Man (he has steel plates and is partially reconstructed)

My Commitment to You
I’m “in like” and I know how annoying that can be, so I will try to limit myself to one Adam-related anecdote per day, like how I self-monitor my rabbit stories. Meanwhile, I’ll be all squishy inside and trying desperately to sleep . . .

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Monday, January 23/06: VOTE TODAY!!!
I don’t care who you vote for, it’s just important to show up. Eat your ballot, if you must.

Actually, I’d rather you don’t vote Conservative. They intend to have a free vote on same-sex marriage. And no, a “free vote” is not a referendum, open to all Canadians (that’s still wrong — to vote on minority rights!), but rather a vote where all the elected MPs can vote, without being ordered to vote a certain way by their political parties. If this happens, same-sex marriage will probably be voted against. That’s what we get for electing old men to represent us.

So don’t vote Conservative.

Stupid Things The Conservatives Said
“Never is a long time.”
– Conservative Leader Stephen Harper, when pressed to promise that his government will never introduce legislation restricting abortion or allow a free vote in Parliament on the topic.

“God does not endorse that and we do not. But we do not hate people. You have to straighten people out. We don’t go around hating people.”
– Saint John’s former Conservative MP Elsie Wayne, at a Vote Marriage Canada meeting in Moncton, urging the crowd to support candidates who oppose same-sex marriage.

“There’s a particular reason why Jesus called men only. It’s not that women aren’t co-participators. It’s because Jesus knew women would naturally follow. Men, on the other hand, had to be called.”
– Conservative Candidate David Sweet former President & CEO of Promise Keepers Canada.

“We saw that young American having his head cut off. What’s happening, what is happening down there no different.”
– Conservative MP Cheryl Gallant (Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke) at a 2004 pro-life rally on Parliament Hill, comparing abortion to the beheading of American Nicolas Berg by insurgents in Iraq.

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Watching Family Guy While the Fate of the Nation is Determined on Channel 2 – Monday, January 23/06 – 8:09 pm
It’s nice to have the option to be ignorant of reality (aka watch American television). Also, I have no food in this house that, when combined with other available food, would equal an interesting and nutritious meal, so I’m drinking White Russians. Milk is good for ya, doncha know.

We all knew it’d be a Conservative government. I’m just staying up to see if it’s a minority or majority, and who my new MP is. Are you ready to know who I voted for?

I’m so embarassed.

I voted NDP.

It’s my first time.

To justify: the Conservatives are unapologetic bigots, and the Federal Liberals are slimy and fake, and . . . I will not waste my vote on an Independent. And the Green Party ad had some guy saying “Sweet!” So I voted NDP.

FYI, I have now voted NDP, Liberal, AND Reform/Alliance in a federal election. I don’t know if this is Victoria’s corrupting influence or the result of my aging or what.

But I still feel kind of dirty. The NDP is just so flaky.

Another Kind of Shame
I really wanted some reassurance that Adam liked me when sober, so I sent him a textmessage last night:

HEATHER: I like you. Almost as much as my squishy mattress.

ADAM: Wow what a compliment! I’m more squishy tho. Good night.

Is it just me and my PMS sensitivity, or does it seem like Adam was intentionally NOT reciprocating the affection? Q chastised me for expecting anything beyond “the chase.” But that’s too jaded . . . I want to maintain my naivity & openness to love. Dammit.

Liv thinks I’m just being overly sensitive to words. She reminded me that he said he’d call today. For the record: nothing yet. It’s been too long since I was interested in someone (Zac, October ’05) and I’ve lost that ability to not give a shit. Also, I suspect I’m an adrenalin junky.

Makes the Prozac kinda pointless.

Peter Loves Me, Regardless
I wish I had Kleenexes other than the menthol ones — we like to play with them, and then Peter sucks on them. He’s perched on the back of my couch (I’m sitting here watching tv) guarding me from Potentially Insensitive Men, and the Prospect of a Conservative Majority Government.

Or he’s being coy and wants me to cut his back nails. I doubt that.

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Diagnosis & Treatment – Tuesday, January 24/06 – 10:12 pm
I have not been rejected by some random drunken stranger. No. Rather, I needed a haircut.

So now I have one, and EVERYTHING IS FABULOUS AGAIN!!!!! I’m back to my broom-haired self. Spencer and I revived my Sixpence None the Richer: Kiss Me hair style, although it will take another month or two for it to grow out to an even length.

I love having found my Ideal HairCut. It takes some people a lifetime.

Bonding With the Q
We haven’t had enough time together lately. I was sick & quarantined last week, and we did separate social thangs these last two weekends. (Throughout this entire time, of course, we were in constant phone contact. That goes without saying.) So I went to Q’s after my haircut and we ate Q’s homemade chilli (yes, Quinn cooked food), snuggled Celeste, napped, and watched craptv.

Things feel normal again.

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Whew! Reality Reasserts Itself – Wednesday, Jan.25/06
Thanks to my new haircut (aka a lighter head), a return to hormonal pseudo-balance (aka Goodbye PMS), and an exasperated but refreshing email from my Momma, I’ve remembered that it’s only been a few days since Adam and I met up, and I’m being an idiot. Thank you for your patience this week. I’ll stop being ridiculous now.

Also, it’s Atomic Vaudeville TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! Eek!!

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Must Stay Awake – Wednesday, Jan.25/06 – 7:57 pm
I’m sleepy & clean & ready for bed, but I have to stay awake for another 15 minutes so I can see which channel CSI & Criminal Minds are on. Then I can set the VCR timer and go to sleep.

I’m 25 and I have an 8:30 weeknight bedtime.

Freakiness Breeds Freakiness, Coolness Leads to Coolness
Thanks to my newly cleared head/hormones and a glass of bravery (aka $5.49 Boone’s Sangria) I textmessaged Adam to ask if he can come to Atomic Vaudeville tomorrow, which we’d discussed on Sunday. And he responded within minutes, saying he had a late class (I already knew that) but he’d call me afterwards and maybe we could meet up.

Is it pun-fully ironic that the playwright creates her own drama?

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HELLO ALEX!!! – Thursday, Jan.26/06
Sometimes I just miss you. Today I saw pictures of a squirrel that’d been adopted by a Pyranese doggy and her newborn puppies. I immediately thought of you and your brother, hysterical & in tears as half-dead squirrels crawled toward you on the lawn . . . oh, the stories . . .

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Atomic Aftershocks – Friday, Jan.27/06
I don’t know how we’ll manage to survive two whole months before the next Atomic Vaudeville show (rumoured to be a Very Eighties Easter).

We invited a bunch of newbies to last night’s episode, including Liv’s Lauren, Nadia, and Kyle. I love inviting new people because I know they won’t be disappointed . . .

Scariest AV Moment: when the horse, rhino and unicorn heads made their reappearance (Eeek! David Lynch flashbacks!!!)
Funniest AV Moment: the new guy doing a bit on Stockwell Day being Canada’s Minister of International Affairs (oh god, please, no!!!)
Saddest AV Moment: no Rod Peter Jr., although he says he’ll be back in March (he was bartending last night)
Sexiest AV Moment: the Langford Girls’ Cougar lesson, with Britt in a backwards thong.

Mr. Nice Guy is a Pooh Head
Adam warned me that if I liked jerks I wouldn’t be happy with him, because he’s a “Nice Guy.” Fuck that! If anything, it’s twice as jerklike to PRETEND to be a Nice Guy, only to ultimately be a jerk.

Specifically: Adam (via textmessage) said he’d call or come by after his Thursday night class, but neither occurred, so I textmessaged him at 10:30pm:

HEATHER: ??!

which I think adequately expressed my frustration, rage, sadness, confusion, etc. at his mixed signals. So this morning he responded:

ADAM: Too busy these days, sry

Bastard.

So now I suppose I’ll go back to my OTHER boyfriends . . . sigh.

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Pleasantville in a Windstorm – Saturday, Jan.28/06 – 10:06 am
I’ve never seen this movie from the beginning! I like it.

During the commercials I’m browsing for men online. It’s like leafing through the advertisers in the newspaper . . . good to know what’s out there 🙂

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Holy Crap – Saturday, Jan.28/06 – 4:52 pm
A UVic professor emailed me because he wants to use The Terrible Preservation of Valentine Pilate as a text for his CanLit class. 18 students, reading my play. This is crazy.

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Going Out With Jared the Carpenter – Sunday, Jan.29/06 – 11:03 am
Yep. Weird coincidence.

In a flurry of Meet New Person New Year’s Resolution Activity I hit up a tonne of new people for talk n walk dates via the internet. Don’t be afraid — I’m taking safety precautions.

Anyhoo, the first New Guy is Jared the Carpenter. He moved here from Part Hardy in August. I can’t remember how old he is — I’d guess about 30 — but he’s tall. Also, he has two sons (ages 8 and 10). I don’t expect today to be the First Day of the Rest of My Committed-Relationship Life. But he sounds like fun, and it’s windy outside, and I’m restless for new people. AND I’m fucking amazing at fulfilling my New Year Resolutions.

Boardgames at the Q’s
We wanted a mellow evening so eight of us played Cranium and Boulderdash (??) at Quinn’s last night. The girls won Cranium, of course . . . and Q always wins B.Dash so that’s not a surprise.

I made spaghetti for Rowan & Darcy (I’d promised them lasagna and they had a fit when they showed up to no dinner — I write fiction, people. I lie.) and later we made chocolate Sauce n Cake (to compensate for the lemon meringue pies I hadn’t baked).

Celeste was in heaven, with all of her favourite people around to pet and admire her. Nadia doggysat Celeste over Christmas, and Uncle RoRo and Darcy are her other usual doggysitters . . . and Jessie & Liv are just her favourite people. Oh, and Spencer had a DATE last night (which is why he couldn’t come) . . . can’t wait to hear the details of that one!

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Surviving the Internet Date – Sunday, Jan.29/06 – 8:09 pm
Jared the Carpenter is nice. We had a good time, drinking tea and browsing at Lyle’s Place (cds & such) and The Patch. We parted after 2 or 3 hours, in the middle of a sudden wind/rain storm that’s STILL raging across Victoria. And now he just called me, and I survived a 30 minute phone conversation.

I hate telephone conversations. If you want to talk to me, let’s meet up somewhere and drink tea and I can watch your face move. (Unless, of course, you’re my family and live 13 hours away, in which case I try really really hard to be attentive on the phone. It works best when I’m walking somewhere, so I can focus on what’s being said.) Maybe I have ADD. Maybe I’m just an impatient, restless person. But there is nothing more . . . constraining than being stuck in a telephone conversation. It sort of helps that I have a cell phone. But not really, because people still expect the casual chatting, and if I’m trapped indoors by a windstorm then my multitasking options are limited.

Also — Ryefield
One of my English teachers in highschool was/is a terribly abusive, volatile woman. Once a year or so I see a beautiful man, who then suddenly starts talking to me because he’s Ryefield, her son, and one of my token connections to Back Home. Ryefield had n accident recently that messed up his memory (he was hit by multiple cars) and so we were talking about that on the sidewalk Friday. He said he’s having an especially difficult time with vocabulary — for some reason, his brain thinks that “hospital” and “university” (for example) are synonyms, so every time he says “hospital” he has to NOT say “university.” Weird. He’s a ridiculously beautiful man, and we might see an IMAX film sometime soon. Rather strange, though — I think it’s due in part to his mother.

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Stupid People re: Marriage – Monday, Jan.30/06
Just read an article in the Vancouver Sun (from sometime this weekend) about how Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt are setting a bad example in that they’re having a baby before getting married.

Okay. Dammit. It’s not same-sex marriage that’s destroying “the traditional definition of marriage,” and it’s not random celebrities who are encouraging my generation to procreate before we are legally bound to someone. It’s called “progression,” and it’s the natural result of our parents’ generation showing us just how crappy & restrictive & unnatural marriage (in the “traditional” sense!!) can be. If anything, the rednecks who want to deny my ‘mos the chance to get hitched are more destructive re: marriage and its “noble” history — they aren’t letting marriage evolve, they aren’t letting our generation transform marriage/relationships into a form that we can tolerate. If marriage isn’t allowed to evolve, we’ll stop getting married. Because most of us don’t give a shit about whether the courts/church call us “life partners” or not. Because most of us witnessed crappy marriages via our parents or friends’ parents. Because religion doesn’t accomodate the values of our generation, which (ironically) require LOVE AND OPENNESS towards all people, including (gasp!!) gay people, people of all cultural backgrounds, all genders, blah blah blah. Adapt or die. And stop bitching at us via your editorials in the Van Sun or letters to the editor in the National Post, because I have to read those for work and I’m tired of your ignorance.

Also, just want to make it clear that I am NOT from a family with unhappily-married parents. (As far as I know.) They destroyed all odds, having met as squatters on Denman Island, 8/9 years apart in age, with me being conceived after 3 months. So boo-yah.

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Windstorm in Victoria – Tuesday, Jan.31/06 – 9:09 pm
Peter’s sitting on his mat by the porch door with his ears all askew . . . maybe he’s listening to the wind.

I was a Good Bunny Mom today and finally brought home some newspapers so I could change Peter’s litter box. Fresh alfalfa hay and a buffet of carrots & parsley yesterday = a very content house rabbit.

This week seems to be moving along unusually slowly. I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. And people keep wanting to do social things, so now I’m booked up for Thursday, Friday and Saturday already . . . Sunday will be a sleep day.

Today I was invited to a work meeting that I SHOULD have been attending since its inception, except that I didn’t know it was happening so I couldn’t barge in a week ago. I don’t know if it’s a man thing, or a seniority thing, or what . . . but I told them they were simply stupid for not having me there from the beginning, and then Dave complimented my shirt. It’s so adorable to watch professional people be professional when confronted by . . . well, by me.

So I felt briefly unappreciated and neglected at work, and then I found this obscure article in the Maple Ridge Pitt Meadows newspaper, and I felt like a SuperStar once again.

I know that was obscure. Sorry. I’ve been trying to not talk about my Day Job too much, for confidentiality & etc. reasons . . . so the above was a sexy mix of vague + pissy.

Anyhoo.

My greatest accomplishment this week was grocery shopping. I borrowed Quinn’s car yesterday and bought $124 worth of food. I’ve been out of a lot of crucial groceries lately — including eggs, sugar, bread, TOILET PAPER . . . but now I’m stocked up. Even if this windstorm evolves into the Apocalypse.

Even when I’m completely out of all food, I ALWAYS have cheese. How strange is that? Currently, I am well-stocked, so I have mozzarella, Swiss and cheddar in my fridge, but even 48 hours ago I had a fridge-drawer full of those cheese sticks that kids eat (they NEVER go bad, so they’re my staple meal).

Awww, Peter’s eating a carrot . . .

December 2005

Confessions – Thursday, December 1, 2005 – early a.m.
Q ordered Chinese food from the Forum for our dinner last night, and when the delivery guy arrived at Q’s house Celeste was causing a ruckus, so I put her in the washroom and closed the door.

Two hours later, I wondered where Celeste was. Poor girl. She wasn’t too upset with me, except that Q called me later that night to double-check that yes, I had fed her, because she was “acting weird.”
Also, I get songs in my head ALL THE TIME (as you will inevitably have noticed, since I seem to hum them without being aware of it), and they are ridiculous songs. This morning I had “I Swear” in my head — some ’90s boy-band ballad. Terrible. Where do they come from? I’m like a uncool iPod. The other day I asked Liv why she was singing “Kidnapping Sandy-Claws” from Nightmare Before Christmas and she said it’s because I’d been humming it for an hour. Now that’s a good song.

However, I (for some inexplicable reason) know more of the lyrics to “I Swear” than “Kidnapping Sandy-Claws.”

In Other Momentous News
I started to feel a little guilty that all I’ve been doing this week is working, napping, eating cheese & bread, sleeping, and watching TV. Then I remembered that I’m “surfing the crimson tide.” I deserve to be lethargic and chubby: I’m fueling my body for a fairly traumatic (albeit routine) event. And next week is my last week of work before:
– 5 days of non-work in Victoria, and then
– 2.5 weeks of holidays in Invermere for Christmas, and then
– 2 days of New Years debauchery in Victoria.
Over my vacation I’ll have time to get back into eating vegetables and (thinking about) running around the block and working on a script or three.

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Another Confession: Pride – Thrusday, Dec. 1/05
I’m goddamn proud of my writing. Maybe not the self-indulgent, sloppy schlep I put on here, but the polished stuff that I make is really good. I’m sure of it. Dammit.

Regardless, UBC has decided that I’m not ready for their grad studies program. Please see below:

A Well-Written Rejection
UBC Creative Writing
Optional-Residency MFA Program
December 1, 2005

Dear Heather:
We regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position in our 2006 Optional-Residency (Distance Education) MFA program. We are only able to accommodate a small percentage of the nearly 150 applicants we received this year. The quality of the applications was extremely high and faculty had to make some difficult decisions.
Your application was read and evaluated with great care by our faculty members. That being said, we do not pretend to be the final arbiter of what is excellent or successful writing. Evaluating writing is always a subjective process, and many a writer who was turned down by a publisher, institution or writing program has gone on to great success.
Our judgement does not close the door to another application at a later date, and indeed a number of students have been accepted on subsequent application in the past, including several this year. Every writer grows by revising old work and writing new material. Should you wish to try again in a later year, we would welcome your application; to make this easier we will keep your application materials on file for one year.
An official letter will be sent this week by postal mail to your mailing address on file.

Let’s Spin the Rejection into A Good Thing
1. FATE. Clearly I am not meant to do my MFA at this time. Financially, this makes sense, since I’m SUPPOSED to be paying off my BA, not handing my paychecks over to UBC. Maybe that $3,000 I would have spent on tuition SHOULD go to traveling: Greece or Scotland or wherever. (Not that I have that money — I just don’t think that income should affect my fun.)

2. WRITERLY MOTIVATION. Now I have to make a new portfolio. Which is probably a good thing, since most of my fiction is from my UVic days. And I want to write more plays . . .

3. Erm. I’m sure there are more “silver linings” here. I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be . . . that AmEx rejection was excellent practice.
Words of encouragement and sympathy are appreciated . . .

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The Big Questions – Friday, Dec.2/05
I’m trying to figure out what I want to drink at Q’s wee gathering tonight. I know I want to wear THE MOST AMAZING SKIRT I HAVE EVER OWNED, purchased yesterday despite my firm decision to NOT buy anything until after Christmas: it’s soft denim and past my knees, with a crazy black fringe (what is that material? It’s like stiff, plasticy lace . .. chiffon??) sticking out the bottom. It’s comfortable and sexy and different.

But to drink? I dunno. I have to figure this out before I leave downtown so I can grab whatever I need.

Last night I had the best hot alcoholic drink in the world. Irish Times calls it a “Scottish Heather” (hee hee): it’s hot chocolate with Bailey’s. YUMMY. And a lot healthier for me than the glasses of Baileys-on-ice I was chugging a year ago.

Also: Power Brunch Tomorrow
I’m having brunchy brunch with Britt Small & Briana Rayner tomorrow morning. We’re going to scheme. I like scheming. I will report back.

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Listening to Underground Atomic Vaudeville – Saturday, Dec.3/05 – 5:17 pm
I have a cd with at least 2 NEVER PERFORMED pieces. The first was a “shout out” to AV’s sponsors (aka “Zac’s a Dink”); this one’s a rant by Jason Vorhees (of Jason vs. Freddy) about selling out. Oh gees. Someday I’ll sell this shit on eBay and buy my tea shop and retire in glory.

Anyhoo, our PowerBrunch was yummy. I mean productive. Atomic Vaudeville needs Atomic Sponsorship, and I’m going to do my little bit to recruit some big fish. Also, the AV monkeys intend to do a staged reading of one of my scripts. I want to finish Bitter Scripts.

Then I went to Sleep Country (why buy a mattress anywhere else?) and bought a mattress. It’s from Mom and Dad, actually — the IKEA one was backordered and we were concerned it’d finally arrive once I was back in Invermere, so Mom cancelled the order and I went and got me a special deluxe superb mattress o’ comfort. It’s being delivered tomorrow. I’m spoiled.

And Now
Once I’m done listening to this fucked up CD I’m going to have a nap. Jessie & I are going on a pub crawl tonight with some of her old-school friends.

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Two Nights Out = Ready For Sunday – Dec.4/05, 2 am
Sunday (today??!) I will:
– await the delivery of my new uber-deluxe mattress
– watch the CSI episode I taped on Thursday
– eat more of the fresh rye bread I bought from the bakery
– clean the bunnies’ litter boxes
– do my dishes
– go for brunch with Q, if it doesn’t interfere with the mattress delivery.

Jessie and I went out with Karen & some of Jessie’s other highschool friends tonight. It was extremely different from my usual nights out (at Prism or Q’s, with the boyz). We ended up at Upstairs, which had the BEST DANCE MUSIC EVER tonight. Also, there was a 6-foot-something-tall blond guy waiting in line behind us, and I was brave and talked to him, and he stayed within 10 feet all night even though I never had a proper conversation with the guy. A satisfying night at the bar doesn’t have to involve actual conversation — I just like knowing there’s a hottie watching me dance.

There was something philosophical I wanted to write about tonight, but I can’t remember — all I can think about is the ringing in my ears, the fried eggs I just ate, and the book of Sudoku puzzles waiting me in my bed . . . the bed that I will have to sleep on FOR THE LAST TIME EVER (knock on wood).

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Revelation – Sunday, Dec.4/05 – 9:36 am
I was lying on my back in bed, thinking:

HEATHER: Wow, my back sure hurts. I should get out of bed so that it will stop.

And that’s when I realised that my mattress really truly does suck.

And For the Record
I’ve said this aloud to various folk but I want to put it in writing so that when it eventually becomes the mantra of the media I will have a record of being the first to say it:

Paul Martin’s speechwriter is keeping a blog: it’s merely a PR gimmick in the stylings of Microsoft, Coke and other corporations to improve/develop the subject’s (aka Paul Martin’s) image – in this case, leading up to the January 23rd election.

I say this without any political affiliation or motive — I don’t even know who I’ll vote for in January, except that I’m pro gay marriage and Stephen Harper clearly is not.

For fun, I’m considering keeping a tally of all the sneaky pro-PM messaging (that’s public-relations-speak for “sound bites that express a simple, key, positive idea”). He surrounds each message in humour, like a little propaganda pill with a chocolate coating. Very clever, very sneaky.

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An Idiot is On TV – Monday, Dec.5/05 – 9:11 pm
The clock on my sexy iBook is fast, so it’s not really 9:11pm, because if it was I’d be watching Medium and eating something for dinner. As it is, some unfunny gomer is on the Comedy Network. Apparently domestic violence is HILARIOUS, as long as he’s the victim.

I miss Levi. I might have to brace myself and watch a Popcultured rerun. Ugh.

Web Drama is So Dorky
A Mystery Visitor reads my site and posts comments (which I appreciate, by the way — it takes labia to piss me off). I don’t know much about you lovely people who read my site, but the handy stat counter thingy I have shows where you’re visiting from. Therefore, I know my Mystery Visitor is from Toronto (or at least the ip address is): I’m going to pretend that Levi MacDougall regularly reads my site and is secretly in love with me. Feel free to play along.

Another intriguing web-visitor-tracking bit o’ info: during the Zac Drama, German visitors suddenly accounted for a good third of my daily readers. I guess “Psycho German Girlfriend” is a popular google search term over there.

As For Food
I think I “intuitively ate” for most of my life. It’s only this past year that I’ve become chubby/unhealthy, and that’s probably because I have regularly scheduled mealtimes due to work. (This is thin logic, but I embrace any “diet” that okays eating poutine.)

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I Think About Sleep Too Much – Tuesday, Dec.6/05
Right around this time everyday I consider all the productive things I can do during my afternoon: clean my house, exercise, tend to the rabbits, sit somewhere and write the Next Great Canadian Play, sit somewhere and look pretty and happen to encounter the next love o’ my life, grocery shop . . .

What I will most likely do is go home, have a hot shower, and go to bed for a few hours. Very UNproductive. Once I fought my instincts and sat around in Starbucks and drank a cup of Awake tea and tried to read a book. But I couldn’t stay awake and barely made it to the bus before I was asleep. Hopefully this chronic lethargy will end after I’ve had a good few weeks of non-work. Boredom inspires me . . .

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In Awe of Quality TV – Tuesday, Dec.6/05 – 8:55 pm
I love it when Rick Mercer makes those mock Canadian Tire commercials. They are so very funny. Then an election ad ran for Stephen Harper and I thought it was another spoof. It wasn’t. That poor man has such terrible lips.

Isn’t it amazing how companies can keep inventing new variations on the toothbrush?? They angled the brush, angled the handle, put grips on the handle, changed the softness and size of the brush, made the bristles of different lengths, added blue stripes that disappeared with use, and NOW I just saw an ad for one with the brush part split into two, so that each half moves separately. Sometimes, especially after drinking too much Red Rose in the morning, I crave a good hard stick to scrape away at my smile . . .

Also, I Didn’t Nap Today
Mainly because I had to go last-minute shopping for a gift for tomorrow’s office party/lunch. I also ended up in GAP’s baby section . . . I despise The GAP but they had a wooly toque with bear-ears for sale. I’m weak when it comes to dressing up Hollis. My family has new rules for Christmas this year. Normally we go wacko and spoil each other, but this year, because we’re all grown up and don’t need any more crap, we’re restricted to ONE GIFT for each person, $20-$50 (closer to $20). It’s surprisingly difficult to choose that one gift. I’m used to “brainstorm shopping,” and inevitably one of the gifts is a gooder. Oh, but we don’t have any limits on spoiling Hollis. That’s what holidays are about, after all. Although he’s only 9 weeks or so now, so he probably won’t notice how cool the bear hat is. (It’s very very cool.)

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Happy Bunnies – Wednesday, Dec.7/05 – 9:57 pm
I cleaned their litterboxes, delivered fresh chew-sticks and filled their food dishes. I have three very pleased rabbits.

Kim, my neighbour and the bunnies’ Fairy Godmother, described Seamus’s nails as “chopsticks” the other day . . . I really need to cut his nails. But Peter’s are nice and short, so I feel 1/3 less guilty than I would normally.

About Becoming Chubby
I think another contributing factor is that I start work at 6/7am, and I take lunch with Jessie, Q and Liv at 12, so by then I’m STARVING and I eat way too much food. I have cereal at work, and sometimes I make PB toast, but I need to be a little more diligent at feeding myself before 12pm each day.

A much better plan than daily exercise . . .

 

Movies I’ve Seen Recently
Happy Endings: it was pretty good. I feel in love with Otis. Of course, he ended up being gay. Dammit.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Ron’s voice has changed. Very sexy. Hermoine is a TERRIBLE actor. It’s become necessary to see each new HP movie . . . otherwise I’d forgo until Hermoine learns not to ham it up. Special effects are the grooviest.

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Christmas Partied Out – Thursday, Dec.8/05 – 7:46 pm
We had our office Xmas lunch yesterday, and then our big staff party tonight. If I was going to be in town for the rest of the month, there’d be at least two more for work. Sheesh. I think it’s because we gov’t whores work our asses off while the house is in session, so whenever we have an excuse to eat catered cheese plates and drink draft beer we’re all in the mood. (And I’m not being sarcastic about that — we really do work extremely hard. So there.)

Anyhoo, I saw lots of familiar PABbers tonight, including my yogi Rueben and most of my rowing team from the spring. Also, I met a very smiley guy named Scott with whom I’ve liaisoned via emails for the past year and a half. It’s so strange to meet someone and know their last name immediately, as well as their role in the gov’t, without even knowing what they look like. I’ve flattered Scott, I’ve pleaded with him, and now I know he looks like a really pleasant relative — uncle, maybe, or just a good friend of my parents’.

On the way home I stopped in at the 7-11 to buy bus tickets and I REALLY REALLY recognized this one (creepy) guy inside. Then I realized: he looks EXACTLY like the Oompaloompah(s) from Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I would bet money that he’s either that exact actor, or closely related to him. Victoria is so weird.

Porn-Star Moment
This morning I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror just before I had my shower, and what with the light in the bedroom and being kinda sweaty (ew) from too much sleep, my chest (ie the top of my boobs and neck, etc.) was all glowy. Like a movie. It was very sexy, in a sweaty sort of way.

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When Solid Powders Break Apart – Friday, Dec.9/05
The only thing worse than spending $20-$30 on powder blush is finding it all busted up in your purse. Stupid overpriced Mac cosmetics. Stupid floppy purse. Now my pink-cheek-to-face ratio is all distorted.

Also, today’s my last day of work before THREE WEEKS of holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Peter Loves Me – Saturday, Dec.10/05 – 9:46 am
He’s been following me around ALL MORNING. He even did binkies (aka little jumps of joy) when I descended from my loft bed.

I also went outside to clip Seamus’s talons, and that went alright. Then I grabbed Caramel. She’s one huge puffball with a tiny bit of meat inside all that hair. (Why does anyone bother to eat rabbit????? And that’s rhetorical, please don’t tell me.) I got a little distracted from her nails when I realized that her massive coat is catching all the piss and shit her body tries to expel. EWWWW. So I tried to wash her up a bit, which is kind of like cleaning a very furry baby’s ass. She hated it. But now I’ve collected my equipment: scissors and a flea comb (it has very fine tines so hopefully it’ll help untangle her ass-hair). I’m saving that adventure for after I have a pot of tea.

Meanwhile, Peter’s cuddling with my feet under the computer desk . . .

I am Not A Workaholic
It’s just that my job is rather demanding and intense. But this morning, lying ON MY UBER-AMAZING MATTRESS, I thought about the astonishing fact that I don’t work for another THREE WEEKS. And my brain was still busily formatting documents and spell-checking. This weekend will be my . . . what’s the word? Like getting the drugs out of your system . . . and then I’ll be (hopefully) a normal person by the time I fly home.

Also, something sad but also happy . . . my gal friend Carey from UVic writing was accepted into the UBC program. She clearly felt awkward that I wasn’t. And while it made me a little sadder to know that this wasn’t a massive conspiracy against us Islanders, I really am pleased for her. And selfishly: she can now promote me to the UBC circle, which will help me in my next application. Carey’s a SuperStar. I’d tell you to watch for her upcoming novel, if I knew her last name.

And As For the Love Drama
A variety of people I know are trying to hook me up with some quality tall guys. Barb from work has a “prairie geek” she used to work with; Q has an old UVic friend he ran into on the bus; and Glen wants to set me up with a body piercer named Graham who, oddly enough, was the one who pierced my belly button years ago. I won’t have time to fall in love with anyone before January, though, so you’ll have to wait another month for the gritty details.

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Peter’s Watching Me – Sunday, Dec.11/05 – 6:15 am
I can’t sleep. The crappy music from Upstairs keeps shaking my brain.

Jessie’s 24th Birthday Fiesta
Jessie’s real birthday is on the 18th, but I won’t be here and for that and other reasons (=??) we had an early celebration for her last night. We had a WONDERFUL dinner at the Tapa Bar — it’s like Italian dim sum: we each ordered a plate or two of something and then shared it. Excellent food and I was actually full by the end. I’m AMAZING so I’d ordered an uber-chocolatey ice cream cake with raspberries from the Marble Slab Creamery, and we had that for dessert. Jessie was smilier than I’d seen her in a very long time — chocolate and ice cream and the attention of beautiful men seem to make that happen.

Tangent re: Mini-Purse
When we go out dancing I almost never have pockets in my clothes (stupid clothes-designers) and I hate having a bulky purse to watch over. So I went out yesterday evening determined to find the smallest (but stil useful) purse in Victoria. The winning choice doesn’t accomodate cards, but I can carry those (driver’s license, credit cards) in my bulky purse, and then check that at the door once we’re inside.

Anyhoo, I showed off my purchase last night and they mocked me relentlessly.

QUINN: It’s not even a clutch. It’s a pinch.

But I’m very pleased to have it, and Liv even asked if she could keep her cash in it last night. Ha!

After Dinner
Q and Brant went to a Tacky Sweater party, and Spencer went home to sleep, and Dave (Channelle’s boyfriend) left to study. Jessie, Liv, Channelle, Raffaele and I went to Upstairs to dance.

Raffaele (my banker) is recently divorced (at age 26!). He was like a kid in a candy store / a newly-single young hottie at a club. I’ve offered to help him learn how to appreciate cleavage without gawking. I think he’s becoming comfortable with me . . . it’s flattering to have a beautiful (straight, single) man to flirt with.

In other gossip, I learned last night that Channelle slept with Divyesh (my Snuggle Partner, August – December 2004). Which is logical, since I set them up. But EWWWWW what a disgusting idea!!!! I have a hard time being comfortable with the idea of other people having sex. Good thing the world doesn’t require me to be comfortable with it.

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Erm – Sunday, Dec.11/05 – 9:24 pm
I went back to bed at 10am this morning, and slept until Q woke me up for dim sum at 12:30pm. We ate with Billy, Brant, and Luke . . . it was the first time Brant & Luke had met, and I think they’re in love. Or lust. Or like. Whatever, it was cute to watch their encounter. There are so many beautiful people in my life . . .

We wandered around to some of the nearby stores. Q has decided to be a gardener. He bought those bulbs that grow in gravel, and he’s lusting after a bonsai tree. We also priced out propane heaters for his little porch area: it would cost about $200 for him and Celeste to loll comfortably in Victoria winter.

And then Q dropped the boys off at their respective homes, and we took Celeste for a walk along Dallas Road, and she flirted with a Rottweiler (as usual). Q made me Dean’s Famous Salad for dinner, and I dozed through The West Wing (which just becomes more politically-esoteric with each episode) and now I’m home. I’m not used to having only 6 hours of sleep.

Theories As To Why I Awoke @ 4:30 am
1. I’ve been catching up on three years’ worth of shitty sleep on a shitty mattress, and last night at 4:30am I finally broke even.

2. Someone, somewhere, did something significant.

3. Even though I know better (having survived Raffaele’s inadvertant flirtatiousness earlier this year), all the talk of someone being in love/lust with me unsettled me beyond sleepiness.

4. I was MEANT to watch those three concurrent pre-dawn mini-movies of Hercule Poirot on channel 31.

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BC Health Care is Great – Monday, Dec.12/05 – 6:23 pm
I picked up three months’ worth of my prescriptions today. Three packs of demulen (birth control) + 3600 mg of Happy Pills = $210 and a pile of drugs. HOWEVER, thanks to PharmaCare + my extended health coverage via work, it only cost me $5. That’s less than a Taco Time combo. Jeepers.

Adventures in Downtown Victoria
I showered, dressed, and walked downtown intending to find a sexy cafe and write The Best Play Ever. Then I got distracted by the walk-in clinic and my need for more drugs, so I did the prescription thing, picked up some groceries from the Market on Yates, and caught a bus back home. For some reason my hands were all shaky when I was paying for my grocieries, and that spooked me . . . I decided to go with pjs and homemade Swiss and cucumber sandwiches instead of tea and Starbucks holiday muzak.

Maybe I will venture out again tomorrow . . . my flight leaves Wednesday for Calgary, so I have one more day to clean my home and prepare the bunnies for my absence.

Hollis Sent Me a Christmas Card
There’s a picture of him propped up in a chair . . . I admit, I’m excited about being able to stare at him in real life again. He doesn’t do much besides eat, sleep and poop, but he’s so new and fascinating for my whole family. I wonder what it will be like when Evy has another . . . She’ll have to (pretend to) be as awestruck with the next one, or else she’ll be contributing to the Middle Child “I’m boring because I’m 2nd” Psychosis which has afflicted our family for generations.

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Merry Elexmas! – Tuesday, Dec.13/05 – 9:24 pm
I keep forgetting about the January election. And then an ad for one of the parties appears mid-commercials, and I have no idea what’s happening — I thought a Conservative ad was a Rick Mercer spoof, and yesterday the Liberal one sounded EERILY similar to a cell phone commercial. Then I realize, Oh, Right, There’s An Election January 23rd, and then I become annoyed with the transparent messaging in the ads.

CONSERVATIVE: No, really, we like women and women like us too. Honest. And don’t forget — the Liberals are Greedy Embezzling Fat Cats.

LIBERAL: If yer Canadian, yer a Liberal. Conservatives = Scary Nazis Who Will Take Us Back To the 1940s (aka no basic human rights for minorities, women, ‘mos . . .).

I hate transparent PR. This will affect how I vote — I’m sure of it. And about voting: I have no idea who I’ll vote for.

I dislike the Liberal’s fearmongering re: The Evil Conservatives, but it’s a stated fact that Stephen Harper will call for a free vote on same-sex marriage if he’s the PM. He’s letting his personal bigotries overrule his political common sense, and I don’t like that at all.

Meanwhile, the Liberals are cocky. It’d be so much fun to destroy them, just for one little term. (How ironic: they say True Canadians will vote Liberal, yet True Canadians despise American-style cockiness and want to punish it, in an admittedly childish and short-sighted way.)

And the NDP. Erm. Sure. (Ha!)

So what do I do?

DAD: Vote Conservative.

QUINN: Vote Liberal.

HEATHER: Hey Q, let’s start our own political party and smash these two shitty ones!!!!

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Good Intentions – Tuesday, Dec.13/05 – 4:44 pm
Caramel’s ass-hair is still all poopy, so I went out with scissors, my fine-tooth comb, etc. and tried really really hard to get the tangled poop/hair knots out of her coat. She bit me for the first time ever: I have a cute little bruise on my right forearm. And then I tried giving her a mini-bath in my washroom sink, which she hated, and still that didn’t work. Except that poopy water got everywhere because she kept kicking and trying to escape. So I towelled her off as best I could, and abandoned her with Seamus on their porch with an old flannel sheet to (hopefully) keep her warm tonight, despite her wet hair.

And now I smell like vegan diarrhoea.

Shopping
I went downtown for sushi with my worker bees & my final day of city Christmas shopping. While dressing this morning, I stuck my foot through the hole in the knee of my jeans, and so I set out to buy a new pair in preparation for my holidays.

These new ones are quite comfy, although they are RIDICULOUSLY low in the back, and in the front. They are not those jeans that little girls wear (the ones that damage your internal organs), but they are much lower than what existed last time I went jean shopping. I’m wearing them now; Peter is chewing on the cuffs to make them more fashionable.

Also, I bought some great stuff but I can’t discuss it because it’s all for Christmas and my family reads this site.

To Do List
The bunnies’ babysitters are scheduled (Q, Jessie & Liv are sharing 8 days of feeding & watering). Also, I cleaned their litterboxes just now. So all I have to do is get my extra keys to my bunny sitters and make the feeding equipment user-friendly. (Peter only eats the Martin-brand pellets; Seamus & Caramel prefer the Hagen brand.)

I have to pack.

I have to clean my dishes so they don’t rot while I’m away.

And Q and I are going to Billy’s for dinner tonight, so I should shower off this bunny-shit stink. (I would do this even if I wasn’t going out for dinner.)

Tomorrow I leave Victoria at 11:15 am, arrive in Calgary at 1:30 pm, and then I’ll be home in Invermere that night. Assuming, of course, that nothing goes terribly wrong.

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CMT in the Background – Thursday, Dec.15/05 – 9:09 am Mtn time
Hollis is running a marathon on his back on the kitchen table, Mom and Evy are discussing our plans for the week and whether Hollis feels like DeCaf or regular tea today. And I’m alive (with poofy, post-sleep hair) in Invermere, B.C.

I intend to be diligent about writing here despite the baby & family distractions for the rest of December . . . just please brace yourself for a lot of baby oggling and holiday cliche.

Today’s plans include:
– walking downtown with Evy & Hollis
– eating quality baked goods from the Quality Bakery (it’s German and makes the most amazing sausage rolls ever)
– calling Q to ask him to mail me my glasses. I knew I’d forget something important in yesterday’s one-hour rush to get to the airport shuttle . . .
– teaching Hollis to clearly and succintly pronouce “Heather”
– are “clearly” and “succinctly” synonyms???
– wrapping some presents, because I love wrapping presents.

On the Plane Yesterday
I sat beside an awful man. One of those pointy arm passengers who think the arm rest really is an arm rest, not a divider. AND he ate the stinkiest homemade sandwich EVER while sitting right beside me. Ugh. But I didn’t hit him or even say anything rude/instructive, so I’m proud of my self-restraint.

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It’s Snowing – Friday, Dec.16/05 – 10:11 am Mtn time
I woke up just in time to say goodbye to Hollis, Evy & Mom. Hollis held my hands very tightly — I don’t think he wanted to leave JUST AS his wonderful Aunty Heather arose from the basement suite. I made him laugh yesterday — it sounded like choking but Evy assured me that was laughter.

In Non-Baby News
The kitchen smells like bacon. I really really want to make some for breakfast, but it’s a piggy that we partly owned and that our family friend Jack slaughtered, butchered, and smoked, and I have “issues” with eating animals that I KNOW FOR A FACT were once alive. So I’m trying to make myself hungry enough to cook him — I mean, some bacon — by sitting here in the kitchen at the computer. I already made a pot of tea.

Last night I taught Evy to do Sudoku puzzles!!!! They are addictive, and highly appropriate for a new Momma since they are portable and can be done whenever she has a still moment. Since Hollis can’t sit/crawl/walk yet, she has lots of free time to master Sudoku. Also, Jared (her man) went out last night and had too much to drink so they had to sleep here. Mom and Dad try to feed Jared booze whenever they can, to get more nights with Hollis. (Evy can’t see well at night, and to get home they have to navigate a scary highway with LOTS of wild animals that suddenly become suicidal and leap in front of vehicles traveling 120 km/hour.) I had a nap with Hollis last night, before I accepted my exhaustion and went to bed. I was a little concerned about killing him (by rolling over once asleep, etc.) but we did fine. Oh, sorry, that’s more baby talk . . .

I saw Deanna at her art gallery yesterday. I’ve known Deanna since we were five — our parents were friends and we were friends, and now she’s one of the few people I think of visiting with when I’m back in Invermere. We’re having dinner together on the 21st, if I can manage to keep my days straight. I thought today was Thursday . . .

As for Victoria, I’m intrigued by the limerick someone posted yesterday! Jessie? Liv? Q? What’s going on over there????? Did Jessie do something naughty???????

Also, Barry (the UVic pal that Q has determined I will fall in love with) finally got around to writing me an email on Wednesday. Did I already mention that??? I wrote back yesterday and said I was away for Christmas. Nothing new has transpired since.

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Women Shop, It’s In Their Genes – Saturday, Dec.17/05 – 6:22 pm Mtn time
We ran into Chris, a fifty-something man with white hair who once sold timeshares and who is an unapologetically sexist. Dad and him competed to see who could be worse.

CHRIS: What are you doing driving these women around? You’re making it easier for them to spend your money.
DAD: They can’t drive and shop at the same time.

It amuses me.

Also, Deanna just called and we are going out to one of the two bars in town tonight: Bud’s! It’s very reminiscent of my 1999 summer . . . back then, we knew EVERYONE (Invermere’s population = 2,700). We kept our coats in the DJ booth with our underage friend Johno; we had our own table that was scuzzy with our own nightly scuzz. Bud’s went under thanks to an unreliable owner back at the New Year’s party in 2000, when they reneged on the New Year’s door prizes because of lower-than-expected attendance. Some Albertan bought it, renovated, and named Invermere’s only dance bar “Links” for some unknown reason. (We do have a lot of golf courses around here, but that’s no excuse.)

So now someone has reclaimed the space, hung up all the old signs (luckily I didn’t steal them back during the renovation, as I’d intended), and it opened last night with a live band.

I don’t know which band. It doesn’t really matter. It was a live band, and that’s a pretty big deal.

Anyhoo, tonight there’s a DJ and it’s Saturday night and all the kids I grew up with are somewhere in the Valley for Christmas holidays. It’ll be like a reunion. Or not. I shall report back tomorrow . . .

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~ ~ NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS ~ ~

Liv: to go on a Real Date during which she doesn’t over-drink and she keeps her clothes on.
NOTE: I asked her permission to post that one.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE!!!!!!!
I hope your day is Perfectly Perfect in every way.

I Ate the Pig for Breakfast – Sunday, Dec.18/05 – 10:12 am Mtn time
Dad made us bacon, poached eggs & toast for breakfast. Typical family meal. I love being fed.

At the Bar
Deanna and I had a great time! Invermere is unique in that we all know everyone’s last names, as well as entire history and current gossip. An average encounter last night went as follows:

HEATHER: Brendan Tutty!

BRENDAN: Heather Walker and Deanna Berrington!

We ran into one of my first boyfriends last night — I think I was 14 when we were smooching — and I did not recognize him at all.

DEANNA: This is Tyrel! . . . Tyrel Brown?

Deanna tried to pick up one guy, until she realised that he was the little brother of an old friend of ours (and therefore practically our cousin).

DEANNA: I even made my voice all husky.

Other familiar faces: Mike Campbell, Brandon Barrett, Danny MacKenzie, Niko Espinel (the DJ), Shane Bristow, Brendan Tutty, Misha Louie . . . and a lot of kids I remember from my sister & brother’s classes at school. One of whom tried to pick me up until I told him that I was 25.

MIKE: I don’t believe you. You look 21 or something.

HEATHER: You can ask anyone here. They all know how old I am.

Anyhoo, it was fun. The two most common reactions I got from people I hadn’t seen in six or seven years:

1. “I remember you being taller.” (Because they were younger & shorter.)

2. “Hey, you cut your hair!” (Six or seven years ago, actually.)

We stayed until closing and Deanna drove me home in the snow.

In Baby News
We get to see Hollis again today!!!! We’re decorating the Christmas tree this afternoon, which is an annual tradition . . . and our first time doing so with a baby in the family!!! Then there’s the Christmas food bank fundraiser at the Lakeside Inn & Pub, another (but more recent) tradition. We go and eat good pub food as a family and listen to local musicians on stage. It’s another sort of small town reunion . . . more families than at the bar (although I did see the mom of an highschool friend two-stepping at Bud’s last night . . . ).

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Vicariously Productive Monday – Dec.19/05 – 6:21 pm Mtn time
Tomorrow is our cookie party, so today’s plan included making sugar cookies (those ones we decorate with icing . . . remember, kids?), stained-glass window cookies (aka sugar cookies with the centres cut out and candy melted inside the frame), and peppermint meringues. Also, I tried to make our “craft” project for tomorrow and rated it a triple-diamond craft, and therefore undoable by older women who wear bifocals and essentially everyone else on earth except Martha Stewart. Anyhoo, Mom did almost all of the baking while Evy & I Sudokud (yes, I’ve verbed it) and I slept and Hollis sat/lolled around looking perfect. To be fair, Evy also smashed candy canes and the candy filling for the cookies . . she likes to smash things. But Mom was the real cookie SuperStar. I’m amazed how productive she is. I’m too sleepy to be that productive.

Tonight
We’re going to see an artsy movie (Water) at our Old-School movie theatre, The Toby. It starts at 7pm, but our pork chops (from The Pig) are still broiling, so we’ll probably have to eat after the movie.

And in other thrilling Invermere news, Liv & Q mailed me my glasses and they arrived today, so I no longer have to choose between wearing Dad’s weak, broken glasses or my contacts at inappropriate contact-wearing times. THANK YOU LIV AND Q. I’m ridiculously thrilled to be reunited with my glasses.

Oh, and Joey (my little brother — 22 years old) has pneumonia or something and can’t breathe properly, so he went to the hospital and is now on antibiotics. We suspect it’s the cats that shed & shit all over his apartment. Whatever the cause, the usual consensus is that Joey (and Evy with Hollis, and me) would certainly be better off living here with Mom and Dad. Joey gets sick fairly often . . . I think it’s to defuse his antagonistic relationship with Mom. It’s hard for them to fight when he’s gasping for air.

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Technology in the Rockies – Tuesday, Dec.20/05 – 4:48 pm Mtn time
It took awhile for highspeed cable internet to reach the Columbia Valley. Now Mom even has that cordless internet, so she can take her laptop anywhere in the house and google recipes while Dad meets strange and interesting fellow sailors in online chatrooms. However, the hard drive for the desktop makes a very loud sound when it’s online . . . like an old VCR, that humming and inconsistent whirring noise. I feel like I’m running the generator whenever I go to check my email.

Evy and I are preparing for the Cookie party tonight. Mom did all kinds of prep work yesterday, then slept in this morning so she didn’t have time to do everything else on the list. We’ve cleaned, washed veggies, rolled deli meats, found matching glasses . . . and all while admiring Hollis, who has been especially talkative today. We’re waiting for him to learn how to roll over. Waiting with fear, because then he’ll require extra monitoring for safety, but also with excitement. Apparently babies learn to roll over when they’re 3-4 months, and since Hollis is an eldest child and natural over-achiever we expect him to roll any day now (week 12).

Also, I have baby goober on my left shoulder. It’s the first time that’s happened that I haven’t rushed to clean it off. I guess I’m falling in love.

Almost Forgot: Movie Review
Water is pretty good. It requires lots of exposition, since it’s an entirely different culture than ours: India in 1938. So that felt rather heavy-handed at times, as well as the theme of “widows-as-pariahs is an evil and outdated cultural tradition.”

DAD CHARACTER: Daughter, do you remember getting married?

DAUGHTER (7 years old): No, Papa.

DAD: Your husband is dead. You are a widow now.

DAUGHTER: For how long, Papa?

Also it was kind of confusing re: who the exploitative old rich man was, who was using the widows as prostitutes. The hero’s dad? The hero’s friend’s dad? The hero’s friend? Regardless, it was great and I’d recommend Water. The theatre was full of grey-haired Albertan tourists . . . very strange crowd. I feel like Invermere has become a geriatric community.

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Lazy Wednesday – Dec.21/05 – 3:12 pm Mtn time
Evy woke me up at 10:30 by putting Hollis in bed with me, and then just as I was becoming conscious she took him upstairs, so I had to follow. Sneaky moms.

I’m doing laundry and drinking tea. I watched Matlock earlier, and did some Sudoku puzzles, and eventually I will get dressed and walk downtown to meet Deanna for dinner. Tomorrow Evy, Hollis, Mom and I are going to Cranbrook for last minute shopping, and I will have to wake up earlyish — 7/8am or so.

Does anyone else in the world watch Matlock? I always hope for Murder, She Wrote but I never seem to catch it on tv. Joey thinks Angela Lansbury is a serial killer, and that’s why murders follow her wherever she goes, and then she frames someone else. Joey’s a little paranoid. Also, he’s on antibiotics because his “bronchials” or whatever are infected. Joe’s always had troubles with his throat/breathing. He got his tonsils removed earlier this year (at age 21!), but apparently that hasn’t made him immune to respiratory illness.

The Cookie Party was fun. I made Baileys drinks for our guests, and even the less crafty guests enjoyed decorating cookies. I ate a lot of salami from the cheese plate and felt sort of ill afterward.

Oh, and in other health news, Mom & Dad use a different kind of Tide — not the natural stuff I have — and after washing my clothes last week, I’m ridiculously itchy all the time. I’m considering rinsing everything in plain water . . . I think it was Mom who made the connection between laundry detergent and itchiness, so I’m surprised she has the other kind of Tide.

As you can tell, my adventures are of a more . . . gentle? dull? sort lately. I feel like I’m really on a holiday, even though I check my work email daily (900 emails and counting). I sleep whenever I feel like it, eat & drink whatever I want . . . wait, this is my normal lifestyle . . . I don’t know what’s happening in the news! That’s different.

QUINN: Did you watch the federal election debate last night?

HEATHER: No . . . I didn’t even know it was on.

QUINN: Sheesh. Are you living in a vacuum? Don’t you people watch tv, listen to the radio, or read the newspaper?

HEATHER: We watch Coronation Street, listen to CMT, and read The Pioneer. Maybe there’ll be an article in next week’s issue . . .

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About To Travel a Dark Road – Thursday, Dec.22/05 – 8:16 am Mtn time
I thought we’d be gone by now — I’m even awake & dressed — but the highway’s icy so Mom’s delaying our drive to Cranbrook.

I walked downtown to meet Deanna at the Art Gallery where she works. (notice how I capitalize “Art Gallery” even though it doesn’t have a distinctive name? That’s because it’s The Art Gallery in Invermere.) It was freezing cold and my ears & thighs were numb after the first two blocks (goddamn jeans), but it was REALLY BEAUTIFUL. There’s snow everywhere, and the cars move in slow motion (due to the unpredictable ice on the roads) and everything is very very quiet. I can’t even take a proper picture of it for you, because the (lack of) sound was the coolest part. Also, I slipped once but I didn’t fall. I’ve relearned how to waddle like a penguin so as to keep my balance.

I heard somewhere that women won’t get cold in our extremities as long as our core (aka chest, stomach) is warm. To an extent, of course. I don’t know if that’s true or Dad-style bullshit. Do women and men have different circulatory systems?

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Hollis is “Fussy” Today – Friday, Dec.23/05 – 3:14 pm Mtn time
This affects EVERTHING. Sort of like when Q is “in a mood” . . .

I thought now might be a fine time to write out my theory re: death shows. (Someone else might have told me this, or helped me develop it . . . luckily, I have a terrible memory for sources of info so we’re going to pretend I’m the insightful social commentator.) Sooooo the new cool thing on tv is shows (reality or not) about death: Six Feet Under, Family Plots . . . and I think this is a natural result of the aging of the Baby Boomers, and their growing awareness of death, combined with perverse Gen X-ers being in their 30s and in positions in the media/entertainment sectors where they have creative control.

Meanwhile, we are mid- “Age of the Gross” as Eminem says, and at a point where the media/entertainment industries feel like they have to push our line of acceptability to the extreme . . . in other words, we need to be REALLY shocked to be surprised by anything we see on tv. Therefore: Family Guy, South Park, and the occassional episode of The Simpsons. Also, Puppets Who Kill and other shows I haven’t watched yet but have heard are apprehensible.

Why It’s Okay To State The Obvious
Everything in the world is a replication and not original. Some philosopher or theorist said that, so it has to be valid (haha). And therefore EVERYTHING I or anyone says is redundant. So I would either have to accept that it’s okay to state the obvious, or I would have to shut up. And so would you.

Also, it’s one thing to be told a piece of information (e.g. how a pulley works) but it’s an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT and EXTREMELY NEATO thing to discover that information for yourself. Admittedly, it’s a slower process . . . therefore, I tend to “discover” things that are already mainstream knowledge . . . like the iPod . . . and if I read articles on media culture then maybe my death show theory and et cetera would be old news to me. I suppose ignorance can be bliss, if it enables independent discovery.

In Real Life News
Cranbrook was productive. Today I am wearing my pjs and have messy messy hair. Tonight I am going out with Evy, Jared & co. to celebrate Jared’s birthday, which is tomorrow (December 24th). So eventually I will have to get dressed.

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And THEN . . . – Dec.23/05 – 6:04 pm
Hollis has been fed and is now sleeping. Then, just as things were calm . . .

WE’RE OUT OF SMOKED OYSTERS!!!!!!!!

Ohmigod.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JARED!!!!

2nd Night @ Bud’s – Saturday, Dec.24/05 – 12:18 pm Mtn time
I heard somewhere that having a smoking section in a bar is like having a peeing section in a pool. Bud’s has a “Smoking Room” and this is what I need to tell those of you who smoke:

We non-smokers are not just being overly sensitive. You really do stink. It is a pervasive, extremely unpleasant smell.

The DJ guy last night was Phil Catlough. When he and Joey were eleven they had a band (aka Phil hit a snare drum while Joey screamed in our basement). The only line I remember:

“P.S. I’m a sex machine!”

Health News
It’s dry here and my lips cracked the first day. Despite regular applications of ozonol, cocoa butter and carrot moisturizer I still have a red ouchy dry spot in the corner of my mouth. I’ve even started drinking water alongside my pots of tea, with the hope of lubricating my lips from the inside-out.

Other survival tips for Invemere:
– don’t hit on ANYONE without first checking whether you know them.
– if you see a cougar BEFORE it pounces & kills you, make yourself look really big to scare it off.
– don’t say anything bad about anyone ever unless you are in your own home, alone. Otherwise, the person you’re complaining to will turn out to be their children or their third cousin or neighbour.
– don’t worry about keeping your drink close to you at the bar. Concerns such as rohipnol, date rape, etc. aren’t valid unless you’re out of town. (I was able to grab five beer bottles my first night at Bud’s . . . just as an experiment. And I REALLY wasn’t being subtle about it. Don’t worry — I returned the bottles, untouched, as soon as the owner came looking. Hopefully they learned a valuable lesson.)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIV!!!!

& MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!

PJ Day – Sunday, Dec.25/05 – 1:44 pm Mtn time
Mom and Dad gave me new flannel nammies that are yellow with blue bits and white bunnies. Matching slipper socks, even. I’m PJ sexy.

I didn’t sleep very well last night — partly because I slept too much yesterday during the daytime, and also because we had a TurDucIn (chicken in a duck in a turkey) for Jared’s birthday dinner . . . apparently duck makes me farty.

I woke up at 8:30 when I heard someone unloading the dishwasher, and I thought it was Mom & Dad, so I was very confused to find Jared & Dad in the kitchen, while Mom and Evy were still asleep. The men-folk are usually the most relunctant Christmas morning. Joey came over from his place, and we opened stockings and WAY TOO MANY PRESENTS (as usual) until 10 or 11.

(Mom just gave me a cup of tea. It’s so nice to have someone make tea for me.)

My new YELLOW sheets are in the laundry with my new YELLOW towels . . . other exceptional and unusual Christmas loot includes a bottle of Butter Ripple Cream liquor from Hollis. (Oh yes, Liv. And I might even share it at New Year’s.)

Also, my nails are too long and I really need to cut them. There are three screwdrivers within reach at this very moment, but I doubt there is a single nailclipper thingy to be found in this house . . . Joey likes to hoard them. I think he buries them in the yard.

Hollis got all kinds of great stuff, including a lamb puppet from Gramma Walker (I got him a doggy puppet and a duck puppet, so we can do some crazy performances for him). Gramma Demone sent an ornament with her picture and a RECORDED GREETING!!! It’s the neatest invention ever. Especially considering that Gramma D. has laryngitis, and yet still managed to record an audible message. Oh, and Evy’s gift to me included a charm for my bracelet with Hollis’s picture on it. Also a mini photo album with Hollis pictures, so I can carry it around in my bag and show everyone.

Other Big News
Q arrives tomorrow!!!!!!!!

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Q Arrives Today! – Monday, Dec.26/05 – 12:07 pm Mtn time
Quinn’s plane doesn’t land until 8:15 pm in Cranbrook, so we’re just hanging out, drinking tea, sudokuing, and admiring Hollis at the kitchen table. My hair is truly fantastic today: I had a shower last night before bed, and now it’s all puffy and forward, like a sloppy pompador. Also, my wisdom tooth (bottom left side) aches. I can see it in the mirror . . . it’s out and I think it’s growing vertically, but I’m not sure. Owwie.

We had a super duper night last night. Mom made a turkey-leftovers dinner (we cooked the turkey the same night as the TurDuckIn). Then we played Cranium, and Dad went to bed at 9pm, and we watched Simpsons and Family Guy (Mom’s first exposure to that one). Jared usually watches his ManSports in the basement (he gets rowdy), but he stayed upstairs to keep us company and Mom let him watch football on her computer. My family is not a sports-watching family . . . Dad watches NASCAR, and he used to watch golf, but that’s it. Once, after I’d moved away, my family hosted a hockey player who’d grown up (obviously) in a hockey family, and he was AMAZED that my family didn’t watch the games all the time, breathe hockey stats, etc. Either he left damaged or evolved . . . I’m not sure. Anyhoo.

This morning I taught Hollis to turn the purple dial on his new toy to make the lights & sounds come on. We’re all very impressed with how “advanced” he is. Also, he looks BEAUTIFUL in the bear hat I gave him. Jared described it as Ewok-like.

Every Christmas I give Jared a book that tells him how to do something (he’s interested in random knowledge, and now that he’s a Dad he’s expected to know even more). Jared gives me slippers. (Which is super, since I have stinky disgusting feet and need to change my slippers annually.) This year I got huge bunny slippers. I can’t wait to see Peter’s reaction. When I had my moose slippers (with massive antlers) he:
1. groomed them;
2. sat around with them all day;
3. tore them apart.

These ones look a lot more like rabbits . . .

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Q, Man of the People – Tuesday, Dec.27/05 – 11:15 am Mtn time
My day feels a little more normal with Q here. After we eat, Mom & Q & I will drive to Canal Flats (35 minutes) to see Hollis. And Evy and Jared. I don’t know what happens when Godfather meets Godson . . . should we expect an angel to descend, or birds in spontaneous flight, or some sort of music? Speaking of birds . . . Mom and Dad gave Hollis a mobile for Christmas. It has three blue birdies that flap their wings, and two butterflies, and a big yellow smiling sun. Evy called us last night so we could hear Hollis LOVING it. He sounded like a velociraptor . . . “RRREEEEKKKK!!!!!” And that was all the way down the hall from Evy on the phone.

Is Quinn the only person in the world who got two keychain breathalizers for Christmas?

Also, it seems that lots of unexpected friends will be around Victoria & therefore coming to our New Year’s party! Reagan’s back from wherever the hell she was, and Leland has moved to Victoria for good, and . . . I think there are others. I’ll make a listy list with Q in the car today. I’m looking forward to the party . . . last year was a complete Love-In of good people who were just very happy to have met each other, and who were really looking forward to spending 2005 having adventures together. This year we still have lots of those same people, and a whole bunch more to add to the mix.

Maybe we could make Sangria . . . or is that just for our infamous moving parties?

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So Tired – Wednesday, Dec.28/05 – 9:58 pm Mtn time
Awoke at 12 noon, finished puzzle, went to Evy & Jared’s for really great dinner, Fairmont Hot Pools for Hollis’s first public swim ever (it was snowing!), and now I’m freaking exhausted.

New Year’s Resolutions, Thus Far
1. buy a hula hoop and use it for fun exercise;
2. get another play produced.

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E.R., Guest Starring Miranda from Sex in the City – Thursday, Dec.29/05 – 10:04 pm Mtn time
Q and I slept in until 10 and 11 (respectively) today, and that’s probably why we’re still awake, despite being so quick to tire every other day this holiday. Also, I’m excited about our New Year’s party.

Atomic Vaudeville is currently mid-performance in Victoria . . . this is the first episode I’ve missed in months. Very very sad. Britt said they’d put a sock monkey in the audience for me.

Oh, and I’ve thought of a third resolution: master the rubix cube. It’s just something I’ve always wanted to be able to do.

Re: travel plans . . . tomorrow afternoon we will drive 1.5 hours to Cranbrook, fly to Vancouver, eat a quick dinner in the airport (if anything is open at 12am, that is), then catch our connecting flight to Victoria. I should be in my own bed, with three living house rabbits (I hope!!!) by 1 am on December 31, 2005.

Coming Soon to a Website Near You, in 2006
I want to try and keep this site up, despite it being a 2005 resolution. But since it’s an expired (and accomplished!!!!!) resolution, there’s the possibility that I might not be as diligent about updating. On the other hand, I really like having a daily record of my weird and wonderful world.

HEATHER: Is this chilli okay to eat?

QUINN: I don’t know. How old is it?

HEATHER: I don’t remember . . . oh, here it is. “Monday: I made chilli today.” It’s a week old, let’s toss it and you can buy us pizza.

I expect some adventures in love . . . this year’s been unsually dull love-wise. At least, in real-life . . . my imagination and subsequent love fantasies have caused a few exciting moments. I have three potential hook-ups in the works . . . It sure would be nice to have one on hand for New Year’s, but I will always have Q. We’ve been together for the past 6 New Year’s . . . or seven?? Since 1999. It comforts me to know that I can reasonably expect to have him around for the next 365 days.

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Alive & Home with 3 Bunnies – Saturday, Dec.31/05 – 1:49 am
Yep. Survived driving from Invermere to Cranbrook in a blizzard, two flights (one from ice to monsoon), and a midnight car ride home (thanks to Liv!!!). All 3 bunnies are alive and seem sprightly . . . although I did find a whole bunch of rat shit on their porch. Goddamn vermin. (Meaning the rat/s, of course.)

Now: bedtime.

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I’m Loved – Saturday, Dec.31/05 – 10:06 am
I’ve waited all year for a declaration of love, and now I have it. It’s not from someone with a penis, which is unexpected. I’m loved by a creative force that’s been with me all year long. The Creative Force next door . . . the friend who, it turns out, is something more. I feel super special today. Thank you, Britt Small.