Tag Archives: Matte

March 2006

Jacob is a Sexy God – Wednesday, March 1/06
I crashed my first awards party last night!!! Even though the food looked a little sketchy (there were Werther’s candies on top of everything . . .????) I made sure to eat a lot of the free food. And Lloyd bought me a drink, so I was living the cheap life and it was sweet.

Also, Jacob is a sexy god. And I’m pretty sure I saw Britt on her knees in front of Brad. And I gushed over Celine’s excellent performances. And someone gave me a yellow plant from one of the tables, so it’s my new friend.

Theatre people are usually fun, but apparently they are extra so when everyone finally sees how brilliant they are, and then gives them awards for that brilliance, and then they drink.

Update on the Barry Situation
Jacob’s efforts to whore me out to (a) visiting artist(s) have been compromised by the fact that I still quite like Barry, especially after he was a Grown Up and Brave Person and emailed me Monday to ask if we could have a proper conversation about shit. We’re having dinner tonight. It could be magical or really really awkward. Regardless, I’m very pleased that he didn’t just go away. That’s tonnes of points already.

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I Don’t Like Adult Relationships – Thursday, March 2/06
Dinner with Barry was fun. I drank some of his bottle of pinot gris and it was actually yummy (aka I didn’t grimace or anything). We ended up at the MedGrill since My Thai was closed, and I had that yummy Tuscan Steak Salad with prawns; Barry had some chorizo pasta concoction. We talked about all the things I expected to talk about (especially after we’d had some alcohol), and then went to my house and watched Monty Python’s Personal Best (Episodes 3 and 4) on PBS.

So. Here’s the thing. I like Barry — I think he’s a Good Person. And I’m very attracted to the guy. I love smooching him. But we do NOT connect is any sort of sense of humour / philosophical conversation / chemical completeness sort of way. Is it ethical to “see” someone regardless? Does it matter?

I think too much about this sort of thing. I like to know where I stand and how I feel about the people in my life, and so I get a little too wrapped up in the head stuff when I could be having a perfectly good time if I just stopped thinking about everything.

Meanwhile, in New Zealand
I got an email from Matte today!!!! He’s been in New Zealand since January. He sounds very . . . tanned. And calm. I miss our random intersections.

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Best Pie in Town – Thursday, March 2/06 – 11:14 pm
I made pies tonight, in preparation for our girly night tomorrow (and because I love pie). Emergencies included:

  1. for some reason I thought that if I made 1.5-times the pie crust I’d have twice as many pies. So instead of 2 lemon meringues and one apple I only had enough dough for one of each. Bizarre math skills . . .
  2. the apple dripped into the oven and things got pretty smoky, just as I was ready to brown the meringue. So I had to wait until the smoke cleared to clean the oven, and then I could finish the pie.

Whatever – they look great and smell amazing.

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Definley definley – Saturday, March 4/06 – 4:15 pm
My house is a sty. Or it was . . . I’ve been cleaning for the past few hours. I did all the dishes from my pie-making escapade, took out all the recycleables, cleaned the rabbits’ litter boxes, dusted, swept, and even cut all the excess material off my couch (there’s a huge sheet of super nice material draped over to cover up the hideous upholstery) because Peter’s been shredding it from underneath and I’m tired of having gobs of material & thread stuck to everything in my apartment. Needless to say, he’s upset at that renovation.

Now I just have three huge baskets of laundry to get done (somehow) and the bathroom to clean . . . I hate cleaning the bathroom. It’s too cramped to move around in comfortably. And I need to replace my shower curtain . . .

Anyhoo. I’ve been listening to good music while cleaning — that always inspires me and makes the whole process less tedious.

How Was Your Friday, Heather?
It was long. And varied. I worked 7 to 3, then took Liv for food (she’d had to work through lunch and was cranky), then met up with Q, Andrew, Adrian and some other ministry folks for drinks. I left at 6, bought a container to transport my pie, and went home to clean myself up for Michelle’s.

We had a girly night — Jessie, Nadia and Michelle and I ate cheese, drank stuff, and watched sporadic episodes from Michelle’s Sex in the City DVD collection — Jessie had never seen the show before!!! Then we all arranged booty calls, and I went to Darcy’s to meet up with Barry, and eventually we came back to my house. Good times ensued.

Peter woke us up stomping at 7am and HE WOULD NOT STOP, so we fell asleep again until 12. Then went for breakfast at Shine (yummy yummy yummy).

It’s a freaking beautiful day outside . . . really spring-like, sunshine and birds chirping and it’s warm enough for a hoody and nothing else. I HAD to clean my filthy apartment, but now I’m inclined to go for a walk. If only I could somehow combine napping + outside . . . it’s still too cold for that.

I’m going out tonight (most likely) with Liv & Lauren & whomever else.

It’s a good life.

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Watching Craptv in a Clean Apt – Sunday, March 5/06 – 12:12 pm
For the first time ever in my entire life I’ve wanted to wear something that I recently gave away to a thrift shop.

Specifically: my green fleece zippy vest with the hood. It’d be ideal for today’s walk, since it’s windy and gray outside but I hate it when my armpits get too hot.

I don’t exactly regret getting rid of it . . . I haven’t worn it for years . . . but it would have been perfect . . . ah, well.

I was a Lame Gluttonous Duck last night at Evolution with Liv & Lauren. At about midnight I started to CRAVE a philly cheese steak wrap from the Pita Pit. (Actually, a Big Mac, but I managed to stifle that craving due to it being really unhealthy. And that McDonald’s had likely already closed.) So I abandoned Liv to her drunken seductions and got me my wrap, and took a cab home. And slept.

This morning I managed to complete a Sudoku that had been tormenting me (although I think that was because I’d been working on it right before bed, rather than it just being tricky) — #75 in our book, Evy — I’m still stuck on #73. And I drank a pot of tea and watched a terrible movie: Mom and Dad Save the World.

Jessie is the cutest little thing ever — she NEEDS a schedule far in advance of any activity, and yet she managed to wait until 11am to call about my/our planned walk with Nadia. It’s kind of icky-looking outside, but I still feel like going for a walk with my girls and Celeste (Nadia’s dogsitting while Q’s in Vancouver this weekend). Meanwhile, I waited until 12 to call Nadia (to accommodate any late-night Saturday activities), and left a message. I’m supposed to call Jessie with our plans.

Can You Hear Me Now?
I think I’ve diagnosed the shitty sound quality of my cell phone: the protective casing muffles everything. I’ve tried using it without the leather case and it’s infinitely better. But now I risk destroying my phone . . .

And Finally
I did a load of laundry yesterday, so my drawers are full of clean undies & socks, and I cleaned the bathroom — I even scrubbed the shower/tub.

I love waking up in a clean apartment. I should try this again sometime.

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Separation Anxiety – Monday, March 6/06 – after work
I miss my nephew.

And So
I’m going to nap & snuggle with Celeste now. She’s the closest thing (size-wise) I have to Hollis . . .

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Being a Grown Up – Monday, March 6/06 – 8:45 pm
I just filed my tax return!!! Yay!!! According to ufile.ca, I get a refund of over $1,000 (thanks to interest I’ve paid on my student loans + charitable donations).

I took the bus home from Q’s house tonight, and it was crowded with sleepy, studious post-secondary kids . . . highlighting their text books under the dim overhead lights, desperately flirting with some classmate . . . it was adorable. I feel like a spy, what with being All Grown Up now and having a great job that uses my brains & edumacation & pays me what I’m worth.

Ryefield sent out his periodic email update re: his condition post-brain-injury today, and in it he asked us what we think our future selves would tell us if they could. Mine would tell me to Calm Down. I get excited about the future (owning a house, having babies, loving someone worthy, being a hugely successful playwright) and forget to trust in Fate & Destiny & therefore get all panicky about the present. I’ve already learned this lesson: I would LOVE to be able to go back to 1999 and tell myself that the student loans and money-stress are worth it, that it’ll all work out someday, and that I should go ahead and buy that steak dinner. It just isn’t/wasn’t worth the stress! And yet I still get anxious over things that don’t seem quite right yet — love, my writing, my MFA . . .

Snuggles With Celeste
She’s so lovely. And whiney. But lovely. And I got a good two/three hours with Q — he’s been too busy SMOOCHING to bond with me lately, and we missed each other.

Quinn & Heather bonding looks like:

  • both wear Q’s grey boxers, white t-shirts, cushy socks & navy blue sweatpants (my napping outfit; Q just likes to dress like me)
  • Heather in the kitchen making something with lots of butter/margarine (like perogies) and cheese (for Celeste), Q at the counter on MSN or reading Heather’s website (that’d be this one)
  • eventually, Heather & Q & Celeste lying together on the couch. Quinn is the only person I can lie next to and still sleep comfortably. We just know where to fit all the angles.

Oh. I should feed the rabbits . . .

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Flannel vs. Silk PJs – Tuesday, March 7, 2006 – 9:15 pm
I was so tired last night that I gave up watching Medium and taped the last half hour. That’s pretty darn tired.

My goal today was to replace my scuzzy shower curtain. I accomplished that mission. So I feel good about that. And this new shower curtain is lighter (and CLEANER) than the last one, so it seems to take up less room in my tiny washroom.

Oh, and Q called me at 7:46 pm and he’d JUST arrived home from work. Poor Celeste . . .

There was something else I wanted to say . . . I’m completely distracted (guiltily so) by a reunion episode of America’s Next Top Model. Very embarassing. I’ll go now.

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Thoughts Mid-America’s Next Top Model – Wednesday, March 8/06 – 8:40 pm
Ugh.

I’m taping this for Liv too (maybe there is something wrong with us 3rd-Wave Feminists????) and I’m trying to imagine what she’ll think of each sad little bobblehead on this show . . .

We’ve “met” four or five of the contestants so far — in the future, I predict:

  • at least one heartwarming tale of single-motherhood and a minimum-wage job;
  • fireworks (planned, yes) between the Baptist Republican and Tyra (the black woman), Ms. Jay (the black man in drag) and Mr. Jay (the gay man);
  • more tears. Because there are never enough.

Commercial Break #2
I was right about the two last ones — no teenage moms yet.

Commercial Break #3
Johnny Depp has a new movie!!!!!!! Yummy.

As for my itchy skin (remember that issue?) I bought Oil of Olay’s shower lotion (thanks to a commercial) and it’s helped somewhat, along with my usual hourly applications of Body Shop body butter and various other lotions. I keep overhearing other Victorians bitching about their dry skin / chapped lips, so I don’t think I’m the only one . . .

And Another
Ohmigod, there are Pamper’s Easy-Ups diapers with Bob the Builder graphics on them!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom’s been accumulating Bob the Builder merchandise in case it becomes uncool by the time Hollis is old enough to appreciate the irony of Grampa Bob being a carpenter. I hope those Pamper’s stick around for a few more years . . .

Another thing that pisses me off: people who bitch about their lives (work, love, whatever) but don’t bother to change it.

On that note, maybe I’ll do a sit-up now.

Or not.

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Moment of (Grateful) Silence – Friday, March 10, 2006
The Canadian Tire Guy (and Gal) have been terminated. How’s that for happy Friday news?

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Drinking Tea on a Sunny Saturday – March 11/06 – 12:46pm
Last night we ran from Darcy’s to Evolution IN A HAIL STORM. And now it’s all sunshine outside. Jessie describes Victoria weather as “bipolar.”

Right, so, last night Lauren, Liv, Jessie & I went to Darcy’s and ate and drank and gawked at the man buffet that is Darcy’s specialty. At 9:30 or so we braved a sudden rain – then hail – storm and went to Evolution, and danced and drank and avoided various icky men. I had my usual midnight craving for something Bad For Me (this time it was McDonald’s french fries) but I managed to persevere (due, in large part, to Liv having a minor drunken breakdown which required supervision. Thank you, Liv, for protecting me from myself). And then I got a cab for Lauren & Liv (Jessie had already left with her man), and I wandered over to Lucky to meet up with Barry. Pizza, bottled water, and a chance encounter with a very drunk Quinn ensued.

And now I’m drinking a pot of tea and watching Kids in the Hall, and sometime today I will make a fruit crumble for Jessie’s dinner party tonight, and I will call Liv to check up on her and seduce her into going for a sunny Saturday walk with me.

I’ve already eaten eggs for breakfast, so there won’t be any roadstops at a McDonald’s for a Bacon ‘n’ Egg McMuffin.

Also, I tried to make muffins this morning but I think I left my baking powder at Quinn’s. Dammit.

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Bunny Advocates & the Troubles They Cause – Sunday, March 12/06 – 10:41 am
He had nothing better to do yesterday so Quinn decided to guilt me into trimming the lumps of shit off Caramel’s ass.

Now I smell like wet poo.

The Plan of Attack:

  1. clean one of my kitchen sinks, move valuables aside, and fill it with warmish vegan-friendly soapy water.
  2. dress appropriately in clothes that I am prepared to get wet & hairy.
  3. lay out my instruments: nail clippers, a flea-comb, scissors.
  4. Grab Caramel (the trickiest part — she’s a wily one).
  5. Trim Caramel’s ass-fur and as much of the shit-lumps as I could without cutting her very vulnerable skin.
  6. Give Caramel’s ass a bath.

She was surprisingly calm throughout (well, once I caught her). I like to think she knew I was helping her get rid of her “baggage” but it’s just as likely that she was terrified and in shock.

Anyhoo, I tried to dry her as well as I could, and then I returned her to the arms/whatever of Seamus on the Love Porch. My biggest hesitation about giving Caramel a proper washing these past weeks has been the weather. A shitty rabbit is better than a dead rabbit. But today it is BEAUTIFUL and sunshiny and not too windy, and it’s early enough in the day to give her a chance to dry out before night.

I didn’t get all the shit-clumps, but I got quite a lot. And I tried to trim the hair so she’s less likey to develop more lumps.

Also, a first for me: I saw bunny genitals. Male bunnies and female bunnies’ genitals look very similar (they all have “outies”) but I’ve never bothered to hold one of them down and investigate. But while navigating Caramel’s netherregions I did see a pinky tube thing (aka her vagina). So that was interesting.

Peter just gave my slippers a good grooming. I think he’s reassuring me that my molestation of Caramel was necessary and will ultimately be appreciated. (Isn’t anthropromorphising fun??!)

In Other, Domestic News
I successfully made my first-ever crumble last night. I chose strawberry-rhubarb, because even if it was shit, everyone loves strawberry-rhubarb.

Jessie had us over for a dinner party (Lauren, Liv, Q, me, Nadia, and eventually Jon). I love her cooking. She’s so health-conscious that I KNOW anything I’m eating is good for me, and yet it all tastes yummy. After dinner & crumble Q even had a lie-down with Jessie’s cat, Skeeter, which is phenomenal because he’s not only deathly-allergic to cats (yay Claritan!) but also he hates them. He was very tired, though, after a nap-free Saturday.

While my crumble was baking earlier in the day, Q and I rented Walk the Line (Oscars, Johnny Cash, Reese, blah blah blah). Another movie about celebrities abusing drugs and the domestic chaos that causes. Reese/June Carter was pretty.

And Also, I’m Mature Now
When Barry and I went to the MedGrill awhile back he ordered a bottle of Calona Pinot Gris, and I drank it and liked it (I didn’t even make a face ever). So I bought two bottles yesterday, instead of my usual sugary-wino-shit, and drank one at Jessie’s. Yummy!!! Apparently it’s a sweeter wine, which is probably why I like it (according to my wine-conneisseur friends). And it won’t make me fat 🙂

Saturday’s Epiphany
(Aside from crumble and such.)
Nadia commented that I spend a lot of time being social, and she asked me how I can stand it.

So here is why I think I’m okay being around so many people so often:

  1. Prozac! Yay!! (certainly, my social anxiety gets pretty bad without it, so presumably it’s a factor)
  2. I live alone, work alone (at least, it feels like it since my work is independent of others to a large extent, which is a great thing), and make a lot of time for myself, including most mornings on the weekends when I’m awake at 8:30am and everyone else is still asleep.
  3. I only spend time with people I like. It’s tricky to cut unpleasant/unchallenging/exhausting people out of your life, but I’ve managed to do that these past few years and as a result I rarely (if ever) dread spending time with my friends. It’s always pleasant and loving, and supportive, and even if we’re all boring or pissy it doesn’t matter because there’s that foundation of love & support. And we’re comfortable enough with each other to point out pissiness or dullness, or to comment on our own. I think we all accept each other “as is,” or at least “as we think each other is.”
  4. In general, the thing that I HATE MOST about people & therefore can’t tolerate is when someone bitches about something in his/her life but doesn’t make the effort to change it. Since we all know each other so well, we can be proactive about unhappiness. If someone hates his/her job, we know them & their qualifications well enough to help find them a new job. Ditto for love and relationships. And since we’re all different, there’s rarely (if ever!) competition for that job, or love, or whatever. It’s all about supporting the other person in their attempt to get it.

Question
I wonder if I’ve collected enough karma points by washing Caramel’s shitty ass to find Matlock or Murder, She Wrote or Columbo on tv . . . .

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Ode to Tommy Douglas – Monday, March 13/06 – 8:40 pm
He (or, the actor playing him on Prairie Giant, his biography) is currently peeing. And discussing politics with his Minister of Finance. Oh, the Old Boys’ Club must have been so much fun.

Indoor plumbing, paved roads, electricity . . . next thing you know, those Saskatechewaners will be getting high-speed internet! Woowee!

Busy Days
I looked at the clock while drinking tea at work this morning and it was 8:30am. Then I looked at the clock because Jessie was calling, and it was 12. I love days like this.

Boss Barb introduced me to a potential new employee today. (Not at my office, but she still found a good excuse.)

BARB: “Sorry to interrupt, Heather — are you too busy?”

Sexy tall man with nice eyes stands with Barb.

HEATHER: “No, Barb. Not at all.”

I can’t remember his name — Neil, maybe? He wants to work in one of our communications shops so I gave him a flustered introduction to issues management. And my card. I’m very proud of that part.

Yesterday I slept through the time I’d designated for watching The Aristocrats or going for a sunny walk with Joel, so we ended up walking in the dark, drinking Moka House beverages, and making apple crumble for the potluck Joel was going to that night. Yes, I’m a crumble master these days . . .

Then Barry came over at 8 and we watched the first half of Prairie Giant. If Michael Moore was interested in Canadian history . . . On another note: I learned how to properly pronounce “Russkies” today.

Oh, Medium’s starting — goodbye, Tommy Douglas!

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I’m Liv’s Big Brother – Tuesday, March 14/06 – 8:17 pm
I’m taping tv shows for Liv; I get to choose what new, creepy aspects of modern culture she’ll be exposed to. I’ve already vetoed Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit, but I’m quite proud of this episode of The Rick Mercer Report.

AND the only news she gets (aside from the radio in her car — I have to work on that) is via my media packages each day at work, or whatever non-work-related media I choose to tell her over lunch.

Ohmigod: From Justin to Kelly is on channel 51 . . . do I dare??

Work, Work, Everywhere
It seems like every second store downtown has a help wanted sign. Options, options . . . I can only hope that these employers are offering better than minimum wage, or some other competitive perk . . . I tend to assume people have common sense, when so often they just don’t.

Nadia was headhunted by another ministry, so she’ll be leaving our little love den on Broughton street. But her new job is a great step for her, and Liv gets to take over Nadia’s old job, which is a great step for her . . . so now Q just needs a new assistant. Anyone? Anyone?

Oh! And! I bet The Crew (aka Q, Jessie, Liv) that Neil, the work-searching hottie from yesterday, would take three days (MAYBE a week) to email me (via the info on my business card). But he wrote today. Before lunch. I’m trying very hard to read between the “thank you for your time” lines to determine exactly when & where our first date is.

Q made fun of me awhile back (as usual) for my “unnatural” relationship with Barry. I tried to explain the understanding we’d reached re: “exclusivity”:

QUINN: So, you’re in an open relationship??

(For my family and other innocents: an “open relationship” is when you’re “committed” to someone but you’re allowed to have sex with other people. I find this as fucked up as you probably do.)

HEATHER: No. I am in a monogamous sexual relationship, but it’s “open” in that I can flirt with pretty boys and go out with them — we’re not “boyfriend and girlfriend” or anything like that.

QUINN: That’s weird.

HEATHER: No. It’s called “safe sex.”

Adventures in Vegetables
One of my favourite dishes at dim sum is “Chinese broccoli” — it looks like . . . green stalks with spinach-leaf tops . . . and it’s steamed and served with oyster sauce. Everytime I get it, Billy (aka Professor Wu) mocks me:

BILLY: You can make that at home, you know.

So yesterday I found it at the grocery store and made my first ever bowl. (It was labeled “Chinese parsley,” strangely enough. Why would I steam & eat parsley???)

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Adventures With Milk – Thursday, March 16/06 – 7:14 pm
I made scrambled eggs for dinner & was pouring in some milk when I saw that my 2-litre carton expires tomorrow, and it’s still more than half-full. As a result, I may have accidentally poured in a little more milk than I normally do (partly motivated by surprise & distraction, partly by thriftiness). I didn’t really notice it until the eggs were cooking and I smelled boiled milk. Whatever. More calcium, or something.

I don’t really feel like chugging cups & cups of White Russians, so I considered how to preserve the milk for another day . . . technically, if the alcohol in Bailey’s can keep the cream from clotting, then my carton of milk might stay good if I dump in a shot of vodka . . . that’s gross, right? And it’s not like milk’s hard to find . . . I just don’t like the waste. Or, to be honest, I feel guilty for not drinking all the milk I intended to. It’s like letting veggies rot in the fridge.

I Love Celeste
My bunnies have clean litter boxes and full dishes of food & water so I abandoned them this afternoon and had my after-work nap at Quinn’s. I took Celeste for a little walk in the sunshine first, which she loved, and then we snuggled until Q rudely woke us up at 5. She’s such a sweet, soft, loving dog. Q was teasing her with a chewtoy, until he realised that she was just excited about HIM, and not the carrot. She’s a very devoted puppy.

Chinese Parsley, A Few Days Later
I went to steam the last few stalks and there were yellow flowers blossoming. Very pretty, but a little disturbing. Vegetables shouldn’t blossom in my fridge. I cut the flowers off, because I don’t trust them and I’d rather not poison myself.

Bonding With Barry
Barry came over last night and we watched Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride. Then we cuddled. It’s been a very long time since I’ve just laid with someone and cuddled and talked. Soooo lovely.

Periodic (ha!!) Pissiness – Saturday, March 18/06 – 9:56 pm
I realized tonight that Barry’s never invited me to spend time with him & his friends. The only time I’ve met his roommate was when Scott picked Barry up and drove me home; and the only other time I’ve even seen Barry with other people was when I crashed their group night at Darcy’s. This seems weird. I’ve invited Barry to more than one group adventure with me & my girls & co.

I pointed this out to Q and he asked if it really bothered me, and no, it doesn’t, it’s just that it seems weird & lame.

Whatever. After NOT being invited to watch a movie or whatever tonight with Barry I’ve made plans to bond with Spencer & Quinn, and hopefully I’ll get another invitation to the after-party for The Qualities of Zero (Mike called me last night but we’d already planned to go to Evolution). The play is SO FUCKING GOOD that they’re doing an additional 10:30pm show tonight. Thanks to my 3 hour nap earlier today I’m fairly sure I’ll still be awake at midnight.

I went for breakfast at Floyd’s with Liv this morning — that was so much fun. Liv was in one of the best moods ever, and chatty and funny. We chugged Red Rose.

I told Liv about walking home with Darcy and Ian last night, when I had one of those I’m A Prophet moments and blathered my way to an epiphany. She pointed out that it’s primo material for BitterScripts, so now I’m all recharged about this theatre thing. (Also, thanks to Jacob Richmond, SuperStar.)

& What Are You Doing Now, Heather?
Well, MuchMusic is broadcasting Eminem’s Public Enemy tour. I’m in Heaven. Before my three hour nap I did laundry, and there are wet shirts hanging up everywhere. I even washed all my pajama pants (they take up more room than just the dry rack). I’ll be in Clean Clothes Nirvana tomorrow.

My hair is poofy from napping post-shower, so I’ll wash it back to normal, get dressed, and wander over to Q’s to drink wine with the boys asap.

Peter was stomping earlier, so I checked on the baby bunnies and fed them, and now all my resident rodents are relatively content. It’s a good life.

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The Biggest Dick Ever – Sunday, March 19/06 – 5:09 pm
Thanks to a Saranwrapped heart I’m only furious that Barry chose a one-night stand over a half-assed relationship with me — I am NOT sad about this one. That’s a nice change.

To celebrate, I present to you …

The First Ever
Heather’s Really Super
Competition!!

To participate, just call me and tell me how wonderful / amazing / stupendous / superior-to-too-many-men I am.

For today (at least), I don’t want to hear “I Told You He’s A Chump” messages. That can wait until tomorrow, if I still give a shit. Actually, if you think you can find me a better one, I invite you to participate in the Greatest Matchmaking Challenge Ever In the Whole World: find me a reasonable, considerate, tall, sexy, smart & funny man WHO APPRECIATES HOW GREAT I AM and who lives in Victoria (or close enough). Good luck with that Mission Impossible.

And now: to wine.

(What a moron.)

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All Better Now – Sunday, March 19/06 – 7:24 pm
I’m not angry anymore. (Isn’t that a song??) Possible reasons:

  1. two White Russians
  2. a clean house
  3. clean pajamas (my favourite ones!!)
  4. a bowl of chips (Miss Vickies Original)
  5. I’m watching Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen is an absolute prick and yet he wonders why on earth he’s lonely and love-less
  6. Q says I’m a Wonderful Woman and Barry’s an idiot.

Oooo, Christopher Walken is Annie’s brother! Groovy.

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Weekend Update – Monday, March 20/06 – early a.m.
Friday y’all know about: The Qualities of Zero, a crowded night at Evolution with the girls. (Also, Barry getting drunk at Hugo’s and taking some random girl home with him. But whatever.) Saturday I was WIDE AWAKE due to an afternoon “nap” (that’s in quotes because it was three hours of deep sleep), so I went to Q’s at 11 or so and drank wine with Q, Spencer & Luke, and then we all went out to Prism. It was wonderful. I hadn’t seen my boyz in a very long time (that’s why I’m hitting on them in non-Prism bars) so it was like a reunion. I got a lot of snuggles and strokes, and a new friend named Rob undid my bra through my shirt with one hand. Also, I met Greg the Trucker who lives in Calgary but who drives to Victoria & California every two weeks. 6-foot-five and straight, but sexy enough to let his Victoria friends bring him to the local gay bar. I love men who are mo-friendly.

Sunday I bonded with Q: we took Celeste to the dog park and I got a little burned while eating a salmon pannini at the Italian cafe in Oak Bay. We washed Q’s car, and then I made plans to meet Barry and lie in the sunshine for a few hours. That went fine until we were sprawled on the blanket at Beacon Hill and Barry told me about his Hugo’s adventure. Apparently Barry thought that our “arrangement” meant he had to TELL me about sleeping with other people, and not NOT SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. A rather significant miscommunication there. So naturally I was done with our adventure/relationship, and I think this confused Barry, because he asked if I wanted to come upstairs to his apartment when we were walking back and reached his street.

I’m not making this up.

But now, after a mildly-drunken night with supportive phone calls and a few tourette’s-esque rants that only Peter could hear, I’m done calling Barry names (but you still can — I don’t mind at all) and I will write this whole time off as another drama in my ever-strange life.

And to all of you who think I’m just being ridiculously picky re: love, I hope you see this as an (yet another) excellent example of what I’m trying to work with here in Victoria.

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My Dentist Says – Monday, March 20/06 – 2:55 pm
I have an appointment for April 13th to get my FIVE wisdom teeth yanked out. Yes, 5. Apparently I’m extra wise. There’s an extra bone-chip on my top right side; the dentist has offered to give it to me after the operation. It looks like a pearl, he says.

I’m not too worried about my wisdom teeth extraction. Sure, there’s pain and puffiness, the risk of infection & “dry sockets” (which sounds truly disgusting), and I’ll be useless for at least three days, but it’s all good. EXCEPT . . .

I get my anaesthetic intravenously. That’s a freaking needle in my skin for 30 minutes. I might not be aware for most of that time, but I WILL be aware when the goddamn thing gets inserted. Q has already offered to come hold my hand. And THAT’S what good friends do.

Oh and Also
Did you notice that my appointment is for the DAY AFTER MY 26th BIRTHDAY??????? Yes, I’m a masochist. Let’s ring in my 26th year of life with chipmunk cheeks and blood clots. Unfortunately, it’s the only chunk of time (Easter break) when I can be drugged up & potentially sick for work without it being a HUGE inconvenience. So while I might still spend a beautiful day roasting a turkey for the people I love most in Victoria, I probably won’t be able to eat it. I certainly won’t enjoy eating it.

Life is cruel.

And so for the rest of this afternoon I’m drinking wine and eating cheese. It’s the little pleasures, really . . .

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Protecting Prey & Other Pointless Intentions – Tuesday, March 21/06 – 10:29 pm
I just woke up from a 4 hour post-haircut-with-Spencer nap. Thanks to Quinn for reviving me.

I dreamt that Peter had been hopping down Fort Street to meet me after work, and that all of a sudden I realized he’d been doing this, and risking the INCALCULABLE dangers that Fort Street presents: traffic (although in my dream they were all driving South, not North, on the one-way street . . .???), cats & birds & dogs, evil people, shock from close encounters . . . I was appalled. (And very grateful for having such a sweetheart house rabbit.)

I immediately took action: I jumped on a rusty, oversized bike with confusing gears and tried to go rescue him — while heading in the wrong direction. The bike was creaky and I couldn’t get the gears to work, and the whole time I knew I’d never find him outside — he’s too clever/paranoid for that.

So what the fuck does that dream mean?

My Haircut!!!
Spencer knows me so well. I don’t believe in “too blond” so we keep trying new, brighter & lighter shades. He calls it “Birthday Blond” (I don’t know why). My hair was finally the right length to do My Dream Cut, like we did back before we got all experimental, so I’m a proper broom-head again, but an uber-blond version.

However, after a quick shower (no shampoo, Spencer, I promise) anda nap I look like a blond Fonzie — strange sides, a flip or two . . . and my newly-short bangs are sticking straight up. Incredibly sexy.

Also, I’m Rich Today
I got my tax return in the mail — a little over $1,000 will be / has been deposited into my bank account!!!! Yippee!! I will use it to:

  1. pay the stupid, random $200 anaesthetic fee for my wisdom teeth extraction (how ironic, that my dental plan pays for everything except the NEEDLE IN MY FRICKING ARM); and
  2. pay off a huge portion of my debt.

I realize it could/should be going toward more fun projects, like traveling Greece or a spa on Salt Spring or flying home to snuggle with Hollis. However, I am being responsible. Responsibility can be thrilling, when it’s unusual.

Random Rabbit Fact
Bunnies can be understood via their (very expressive) body language. One popular pose: the Roadkill Rabbit, whereby Peter sits very properly with his front half, but splays out his back legs as if he’s been run over. This means he’s relaxed, and therefore happy.

He is, of course, in this pose right now. I live with a very happy rabbit.

Oh, and I remembered to feed the outside bunnies today! Yay!

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The Madness That Comes From a Fridge Full of Groceries – Wednesday, March 22/06 – 8:22 pm
I made myself an AMAZING dinner. Steak + asparagi + red peppers + mushrooms stirfried, with fresh French bread & butter on the side. I also have unlimited sammich ingredients, so I’ll be a Good Girl the rest of the week and bring lunches to work.

Work was so much fun today. It’s not even the fact that my three best friends work in the same building, or that I get paid very well to read newspapers all day . . . it’s the work itself. I love the adrenalin, and that I have a role to play in the system we’ve developed.

Things I’ll Never Do
There’s a commercial on right now for permanent makeup (via laser or tattoo or whatever).

I’m A Social Butterfly
Twice this month I’ve been told I’m a social person — the “most social person” they know, in fact. How come I feel like I spend so much time sleeping & working & having showers & watching craptv/movies? Are the rest of you even more hermit-like than me?

Haircut Aftershocks
Whenever I see myself in a mirror I think “Holy shit, I’m really blond.”

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Short Guys Aren’t That Bad – Thursday, March 23/06 – 9:01 pm
I met a programmer named Scott at Serious Coffee tonight. He’s short (ie under 6-feet tall) but smiley and a smart guy. I am a little delirious from four days of weird sleeping patterns (and it’s storming and cold outside) so I didn’t take him up on his offer of a walk or something — we’ve postponed for a sunny day, maybe this weekend.

New People Happy Hour #2
Yes, we’re planning a sequel to our very successful January singles night! I sent out the First Wave of invitations today . . . we figure two weeks should be a decent amount of time to allow the friends of friends of friends of our friends to receive the invitation, thereby leading to a nice new crop of strangers to meet.

If anyone’s living in Victoria and wants to partake, you’re welcome to come — technically it’s supposed to be via friends of friends, so as to weed out the crazies, but if you’re 20-39 years old and not too weird then feel free to show up. (Technically, we won’t turn you away or anything if you’re over 39, but that is a little old for us. You might feel like a pedophile. We might make you feel like a pedophile. Maybe you are a pedophile.) I haven’t confirmed with Syn that April 7th is okay with them yet, but they sounded pretty enthusiastic about hosting another night so that’s the TBC location. As for time: after work, about 5pm or so. Last time people were showing up as late as 9pm, but since most of us have gone home or onward to other Friday night adventures by then you won’t get as many new people to meet.

Also, if you’re reading this or receive an invitation from someone else and you’re an ex (in any way) of any of my friends or myself, I’d rather you found alternate entertainment that night. It’s hard to be friendly & flirty when you’re trying to avoid eye contact with someone.

And Now: To Bathe
I’d like to have a glass of wine but I finally finished my bottle of Calona pinot gris last night. I went to buy more yesterday but apparently all of Victoria is sold out until later this spring/summer. Goddamn. I finally find a wine I can tolerate and it gets unreasonably popular. The liquor store guy helped me choose two other bottles, from Germany or somewhere else non-B.C. — one’s a pinot gris and one’s a chardonnay. I’ll get back to you on those.

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I Should Write A Book – Friday, March 24/06
Random Things You (Men) Can Do That Will Impress Us (Women):

  • stupid romantic acts. The cheesier the better, because we don’t ever expect you to do them since romance is mockable. Examples: giving her flowers (even picked from someone’s yard on the walk to her house – they don’t have to be $70 tiger lilies from Brown’s — daffodils and crocuses are sweet)
  • be randomly aggressive. The most amazing kiss I’ve ever had was from a really shy boyfriend who, one night, slammed me (not hurtfully!!!) against the closet and smooched me because he was SO VERY TURNED ON. I still haven’t forgotten that kiss, and it was a good 8 years ago.
  • be considerate. Even overly-so. I had a guy apologize once for calling an hour after he said he would. I didn’t even notice, but that random apology made me like him extra. That sort of behaviour shows that you respect that she has a life outside of you, and that you’re accountable to your promises.
  • show that you’re thinking of her, even when you aren’t together. This can be accomplished via a quick email, a text message, or a quick reference when you ARE together: “I’ve been thinking about that thing you said the other day at the restaurant . . .”
  • introduce her to people you run into when together. If you don’t know the person’s name, TELL HER that’s why you didn’t introduce her, immediately after the person leaves.
  • make an effort to demonstrate that you like and want to spend time with her. Darcy stood in a line-up for Evolution for almost an hour, just so he could join Nadia (and us) inside. That’s exactly the sort of thing that proves you’re interested, AND worth our time. If you’re too tired to do something together, tell her that you’d like to see her but you’re too tired to do something together. If you’re busy, tell her that you’d like to see her but you’re too busy with whatever. And never ever ever lie about this — if you aren’t interested, leave her alone.

Another thought, that might just be my own private issue: avoid, at all costs, talking about exes. If you have to mention a previous girl/boyfriend, use his/her name or a term like “roommate,” “girlfriend at the time,” “the girl I was seeing,” or “friend.” Don’t lie, but don’t talk about it if you don’t have to. Even the word “ex” suggests that you haven’t recovered from the relationship. It emphasizes that you have an “ex” relationship instead of a friendship — it suggests you weren’t able to stay friends after the break up, and that you still think of you “ex” as someone you used to love/fuck/live with. Move on.

That was fun 🙂

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Beautiful Sunshiny Day – Saturday, March 25/06 – 10:22 am
It’s so bright outside!! The light woke me up this morning at 8/9ish.

I hope it stays like this now . . . Evy and Hollis are coming to visit me in April, for my 26th birthday and to take care of me while I’m recuperating from having my wisdom teeth removed. I’m imagining hours of frolicking with Hollis on a blanket in the backyard . . . We’re also planning a steak dinner on my birthday, so that all the people I love here in Victoria can finally meet Evy & my baby nephew.

Last Night
Liv, Lauren and I went to Evolution and it was groovy. There’s a regular there who laughs like a machine and tends to bother us (in an overly friendly way, not a jerky way), but aside from him I had a perfectly perfect time. I crashed (sleep-wise and vodka-wise) at about 12:45am and took a cab home, and slept until the sunshine woke me up.

This morning we might go for breakfast, which would be yummy . . . until then, I think I’ll make a pot of tea!

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I Should Be More Responsible – March 25/06 – 9:39 pm
What I SHOULD do is stay home tonight, drink aromatic tea, steam the snot out of my congested sinuses & brain, and go to bed early.

What I PLAN to do is go to Rich’s Birthday & Newly Single Party, once Brian & Quinn finish eating.

Unfortunately I always have a good time at Rich’s parties, so my irresponsible side is winning.

I foolishly agreed to go for a walk with Q, Celeste, Brian, Josh, Lindsay and Sandy (Josh’s dog) today, tempted by the sunshine. It was also a little windy down by the water, though, so I think it made me sicker. Stupid toque-less walk.

Strange Things That Are Happening Today
Maybe it’s the congestion, but all my Eminem songs sound completely different than what I remember. There’s more bass and the rhythm is different.

Peter has been pooping outside of his litterbox. I don’t mind, since I’m just grateful he’s not peeing outside of his litterbox. Maybe it’s a territorial thing, or laziness . . . He might be telling me he wants some fresh hay. I dunno.

New People Happy Hour #2: Random Update
I’m having sexy hand-out cards printed up so we can give them to hot and/or interesting strangers. Nathan designed them — they are beautiful. They should be ready for Wednesday, just in time for our VERY busy weekend of Atomic Vaudeville, Hawksley Workman, and other thrilling adventures.

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Fun Times With Commies – Sunday, March 26/06 – 3:12 am
I went to Rich’s Birthday party and I am very glad I did, even if it sets back my health-recuperation. The apartment was packed with people. Everyone there was drunk & friendly by the time we showed up (10:30ish), and there were straight men, including one tall one named Brock. I was very responsible and drank only water all night, and what with all the dancing once the party moved to Prism I think I might have sweated out this cold. However, it was chilly outside tonight so that was an unpleasant factor.

It was one of the only times in the past few years that I’ve been COMPLETELY SOBER (except for a Dristan tablet . . .) when out. Drunk people are terribly predictable — they don’t remember what they’ve said to you and what you answered back, so I participated in a few repeat conversations throughout the night. Q tends to wander off, but luckily there were lots of friendly people there tonight (including Brian) who amused me whenever I was abandoned on the dance floor.

I’ve found that it’s dangerous to be attracted to drunk men, because the qualities that I find so sexy are often the direct result of being drunk, and don’t exist when the guy is sober. For example: confidence, friendliness, a willingness to be an idiot in public . . . for this reason, I will only say that I danced & talked with Brock a few times tonight, and when I left I suggested he write me an email sometime. We’ll see if he acts on my invitation once he sobers up.

Anyhoo, all in all I had a really great time, especially for being sick. I even stayed until closing, and managed to patiently navigate Q and Brian through Victoria’s busy nght-time streets, until they decided to stop for 99-cent pizza and I lost my patience, and took a cab home. I need a good sleep to destroy the rest of these germs.

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I Want Soup – Sunday, March 26/06 – 3:29 pm
I’ve been sleeping all day. My nose is leaking and my head is full of snot. Adventures I’ve so far missed include brunch, a dog-walk, and a walk ‘n’ talk with Scott.

Haha. Snot rhymes with Scott. Ha.

It’s bright outside but more of a radioactive cloud cover kind of bright than a sunshine bright, so I don’t feel terrible for sleeping through my Sunday. Also, I managed to clean up the bunnies’ porch this morning — they seem to have decided that newspaper isn’t for litterboxes, it’s for shredding, so it’s been progressively messier out there all week. I’d like to get my dishes washed, but I’m wary of doing dishes when I’m so snotty . . . it’s too hard to believe they’re clean afterwards, with my nose running like a faucet. So I’ll save those for tomorrow or whenever.

Two Friday Night Epiphanies
Liv had Hawksley Workman on tv when I went over Friday night, and there’s a bit I extra-love, and I commented that it sounds like a Tim Burton song. Apparently there’s a genre that both Hawksley and Burton belong to (and Marilyn Manson and a bunch of other artists): “dark cabaret.”

I’ve found my genre.

Dark cabaret is perky, dark, theatrical . . . it’s my writing.

I love having a literary term for it.

My second epiphany was how I can contribute to Atomic Vaudeville, show-wise. Jacob and Britt have frequently invited me to write something. I’ve been ruminating re: what I can offer that isn’t already there, and would add to the show, and I’ve concluded that musical numbers are it. Not the music, necessarily, but the words and the story behind the songs. Currently they have Slut Revolver, and Forbidden Ukes, and their famous choreographed dance numbers, but a “dark cabaret”-esque musical bit could add a new and bizarre twist, especially if placed in the middle of what’s become an AV standard (Samuel the Christian Ninja, or Mike’sRod, or CompletelyComfortableWithHisOwnSexuality Man, or Andrew’s Jesus . . .). I’ll continue to think over what I could create for them. It feels very good, though, to know there’s something I can contribute.

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Plan of Attack – March 26/06 – 8:46 pm
I know that Quinn loves me because he woke me up from my comatose bedrest to bring me 2 litres of pulp-free (because I prefer that) Calcium-enriched (because he’s nuerotic about my calcium-intake) Minute Maid orange juice. And a huge box of ready-to-make Lipton chicken noodle soup, my ideal comfort food.

Then he hugged me and went away.

I intend to blast the remnants of this illness out of my sweaty little body by ODing on OJ and inhaling chicken noodle soup until I can’t smell/taste anything else.

Wish me luck. Because otherwise I’ll still be sick tomorrow, and you won’t like that at all, since I’ll be whiney and contagious 🙂

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Fun With Drugs – Monday, March 27/06 – 8:05 pm
I survived work today with the kind assistance of DayQuil.

COWORKER: “Heather, could you proofread this?”

HEATHER: “Sure, but I’m high.”

COWORKER: “Oh. Never mind.”

By 3pm I was having a hard time staying awake, but I managed a quick stop at London Drugs to grab some more “Cold Bath” stuff — it’s like bubblebath, but scented with menthol, camphor and eucalyptus so it clears out my sinuses. Amazing shit. Also, I bought some Buckley’s pills — daytime & nighttime cold, cough & achey fever stuff. I look forward to experimenting with those over the next 24 hours. My final purchase: Vicks VapoRub. Ohmijesuslordy. I’ve always been relunctant to use this stuff: it’s messy. I don’t want my sheets to stink like menthol. But I was desperate for a clear breath so I went with the Vicks, and I had an AMAZING sleep as a result. I’m actually looking forward to bedtime so I can smear that stuff all over again and revel in menthol bliss.

Also, I did dishes! That’s a sign of impending health.

Rehab on a Tuesday – March 28/06 – 2:13 pm
I went to work this morning but my boss encouraged me to go home:

MATT: “You look . . . beat up.”

So I braved the bus full of UVic commuters and I’ve slept until now, when I was woken up with a phone call from the mayor of my hometown, Mark Shmigelsky, who was in Victoria these past two days. I was hoping I’d get a chance to buy him a drink and gossip about Invermere but he was too busy, so I’ll have to wait until he’s back in September. Mark is also my neighbour, and I’ve known him since I was 16 (small town, remember?) but I like describing him as the mayor because it sounds weird.

Also, I gave Peter the cardboard box from my Vicks VapoRub and he was the happiest rabbit in the universe for a few hours this morning. Good for his teeth and mental health . . .

I resisted applying another coat of VapoRub before my a.m. bedtime because it’s leaving an icky, sticky, water-resistant film on my skin. I used soap and hot water and even a loofah, and it’s still there . . . ew. Regardless, it was SO worth it last night . . . I was strategic in my menthol placement and it felt like someone was rubbing my lower back until I fell asleep.

And now: I will eat something . . .

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How Does One Love a Communist? – Wednesday, March 29/06
I got an email today fron Brock (from Rich’s Birthday Bash Saturday night). He thinks I’m “super cute.” I like him anyways.

Hee hee. I’ve been giggly all day . . .

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Baileys & Hot Chocolate – Thursday, March 30/06 – 8:30 pm
Jessie & Liv have each expressed difficulty with drinking in moderation. Ironically, I don’t usually have a problem with this, even though I didn’t drink alcohol until I was 21 and have had to learn pacing, etc. in the company of a bunch of liquor pigs.

I don’t know if this is related, but Jessie also doesn’t drink alone. I drink alone all the time. It’s my favourite way to drink: it’s safer than wandering dark streets at 3am, or mingling with horny Victoria boys full of liquid courage. I can go to sleep or have a shower or eat grease when I want to, without having to consider what everyone else wants to do. Oh, and it’s cheaper 🙂

The few times I want to get sloshed, I can get it out of my system either alone with a bottle of wine or at Q’s. Which means that when I go out to a play, or club, or whatever with my friends I’m there for the play, or club, or friends.

So how come there’s this alcoholic stigma re: drinking booze alone?

Peter is the Cutest Little Bunny Ever
When I climbed down from my afternoon nap/sleep, he was completely relaxed in his litterbox. Like a little rabbit skin, with his chin on the edge of the box. What a cutie patootie.

We’ve been battling for a week or so now re: appropriate places for Peter to leave his poops. He seems to think the entire area by the porch door is his Lair of Bunny Machismo, and therefore he’s allowed to mark its boundaries with poops. I disagree.

All the Men I’m Currently Flirting With
It’s exhausting. I have no time for this madness. Especially now that I have a steamy, mutual email relationship with Brock. We’re actually going to spend time together Sunday. I am very excited about that. (He’s so literate! And tall. I’m totally in like.)

The Idiot’s Guide to Loving Heather
I’ve had an epiphany. Yes, another one. This one’s about love.

What I Want Is Someone (i.e. a tall, sexy, smart, funny, kind man) Who:

  1. thinks I’m amazing (while recognizing my faults);
  2. demonstrates this in little ways regularly (i.e. sends me friendly, flirty emails once a day, or leaves a phone message or something) so that I KNOW it;
  3. therefore doesn’t sleep with other random people (because I’m amazing and satisfy all those love/lust needs/wants); and
  4. is just as busy, independent, ambitious, social, hermit-like and predictably-moody (that makes sense, if you think about it) as I am.

It’s such a relief to be able to define what I want.

November 2005

Living in a Warzone – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – early a.m.
I tried to have a nap last night but then the neighbours decided that 6pm was a groovy time to light fireworks. Explosions make me jumpy. I was especially worried, though, about Seamus and Caramel. They were stomping, and the fireworks’ launching area was only about 20 feet away from their porch, and I was worried not only about them getting scared but also about shrapnal, etc., so I brought them into the kitchen for the night. I don’t know if it calmed them down at all, but I sure felt better.

Also, today is the Official First Day of National Novel Writing Month! I need to be inspired asap.

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Heather the Delivery Gal – Tuesday, Nov.1/05 – 8:02 pm
Q’s been slaving away for months getting the paperwork ready for a process called “Estimates,” which is when the Legislature gets to sit around ALL DAY and debate the budget for each ministry. ALL OF A SUDDEN it was our turn today, so Q not only ran out of Ebizo after ordering his sushi, he’s also still at work.

At dinner we were a Q&H SuperTeam of Ministry Helper Elves: Q took 16 orders for Baan Thai and I picked up drinks, cutlery and the hot food, and delivered it to Q at the Legislature.

Now I’m hanging around with Celeste, trying to distract her from her beloved man’s absence. We’re watching Law & Order with the fireplace on.

Law & Order: SVU
They gently mocked Canadian bureaucracy on tonight’s episode. I love it when American shows do that (e.g. West Wing . . .).

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I’m a Dork – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05
I was in the elevator with a ministry worker today and I wanted to chit chat . . .

HEATHER: “So, did you watch estimates last night?”

I’ve reached a new low.

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Pugnacious – Wednesday, Nov. 2/05 – 7:38 pm
All the media these days is about the Gomery report and Chretien’s reaction to being labeled as an evil wanker. One radio story described Chretien as “pugnacious” and all I can think about is Evy & Jared’s dog, Maddy . . .

Speaking of Doggies
Apparently Celeste likes the smell of rabbit food. After work today I picked up some veggies for the bunnies, and then got off the bus at my Holistic Pet Store for pellets. Celeste has never shown this much interest in anything I’ve carried into her house — and the bags are vacuum-sealed. She must have super powers.

I’m Boring
I worked from 6am until 4pm today with only a 30-minute lunch (and I didn’t even leave the building). It’s been crazy busy at work, which I love, but as a result I’ve had no mind-blowing adventures to amuse you with, and I’m sleepy. I had a nap on Q’s couch with Celeste . . . that was pretty fun.

Um.

I found a food that goes well with Mike’s Light Lemonade (it has low calories/carbs/whatever and tastes very very sour): Thai food. It’s the lemon, I think. The four-pack I bought months ago has lasted so long because it tastes icky, but something in paad thai makes the drink ideal.

Erm.

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Multitasking – Thursday, Nov.3/05
I’m a monotasker but my job makes me LOOK like a multitasker. There are 1,000 things to do at any given time, and I keep being distracted by one or the other, so I end up working on all of them in a day and therefore get them done in time. It might LOOK hectic and random . . . and it is. There is often a stack of open newspapers on my desk, a cup of tea that I’ve forgotten to drink, emails & documents & spreadsheets open on my computer monitor . . . one of the exciting parts of my job is trying to remember all the things I’m working on. Sometimes I make a list, just for fun.

SLEEP
I haven’t had enough this week.

And the Weather
It’s SO WINDY outside!!!! I hope the bunnies stay off the balcony walls today — they might blow away.

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Going to Vernon – Thursday, Nov.3/05 – 6:20 pm
Q’s Gramma, “Bucky,” is really sick. We’re driving to Vernon tonight. I will update from there . . .

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Pausing in Coquitlam – Nov.3/05 – 10:46 pm
The ferries were running late due to the wind and it’s snowing on the Coquihalla so we’re camped out here at Q’s friend Calla’s house. Such a nice bed. Will continue trek tomorrow.

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Vernon – Friday, Nov.4/05 – 9:25 pm
We made it here this afternoon, then went straight to the hospital to check in with Bucky & Suzanne. Q’s sister & nephew, Chrysta and John, were there visiting too. Then we came to Q’s house for a nap, and Zac called me (YAY!) and then we had Chinese delivery and went back to the hospital. They gave Bucky morphine and we sang lullabyes with her until she fell asleep.

I know all the family lullabyes because Q sometimes sings them to me.

Zac Called!
I was being dignified and not calling Zac because I wanted to give him the choice to continue spending time with me — I was the “picker-upper,” after all. He pointed out that this strategy could have led to disaster, if he’d chosen to do the same thing. Anyhoo, we had a good talk despite me being a terrible communicator via telephone. (I can never hear what anyone’s saying and I interrupt so much that it gets confusing.) I’m going to call him when I’m back in town Sunday or so — Zac said he might possibly be willing to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with me, even though he’s a diehard fan of the original. I think he likes me.

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Finding Tea in the Boonies – Saturday, Nov.5/05 – 2:30 pm
The best tea I’ve located so far was in Abbotsford at a cafe called “City Blend Coffee” or “City’s Best Coffee” or something like that. (It emphasised coffee, and I wasn’t hopeful re: tea quality.) Not only did that have a wide selection of teas, including Numi, Tazo, and a house brand of large-leaf teas, but they also had a fireplace and comfy couches. I could live in Abbotsford, if I had that cafe in my neighbourhood.

This morning I settled for too-hot Starbucks Tazo.

There was something else I wanted to write but I can’t remember it — I should have written it down. Anyhoo, still in Vernon. I’ll be home tomorrow.

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Back to the Island – Sunday, Nov.6/05 – 9:35 am
We’re stopping in to see Bucky, have breakfast, and then we’re off. I expect we’ll be home around 7 or 8 . . . I have my phone, if anyone DESPERATELY misses me 🙂

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I Love My Home – Sunday, Nov. 6/05 – 8:55 pm
After spending 72 hours together, much of that time in a car, Q and I got a little hysterical on the ferry home. Still, I’m really glad I went with him. I would have worried if I hadn’t.

Bucky was surprisingly lucid this morning. There’s always the possibility that she might come out of this and go home and live for another decade. She even recognised me this morning, which is impressive since yesterday she thought Quinn was her brother.

Once home, I checked that the bunnies are all still alive, filled up their food dishes, and had a hot shower. I love my shower. And then I unpacked and made tea and called Mom to tell her I was alive, and then Zac to make plans for tomorrow.

Another Thing About Zac
I REALLY like his voice. It’s deep and kinda husky in a man way. (Evy says that’s the smoking.)

Another Thing About Not Dying on the Way Home
It was snowing on the Coquihalla. The roads up to and down from the summit were bare, albeit wet from melting snow. There were three cars in the ditch on the way up. The only scary part was the summit, because of the snow and slush. But Q is a great driver who likes to survive highway driving, even when trapped in a car with me for days on end. So we’re fine.

Work Tomorrow
I’m excited. Some guy on the ferry was reading today’s Times Colonist and there’s a story on the VERY FRONT PAGE about our ministry. The House isn’t sitting this week, so technically I have later-than-godawful-early hours, but I still set my alarm clock(s) for 6am. It’s going to be busy.

My Alarm Clock(s)
I have two: my cell phone, with three different alarm times, and a regular cordless clock. I think that I left this alarm clock set for 5:25 am when I left in a rush on Thursday. I half-expected it to be blaring when I got home tonight. But not only is it silent, it’s also missing. I’m hoping that Jessie hid it somewhere to muffle it. Otherwise, maybe I’m getting evicted tomorrow . . .?

NaDruWriNi (National Drunken Writing Night)
I really wanted to do this but I forgot. Oh well. Another time.

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Belated Update – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – early a.m.
I wanted to write last night after Zac left but I was sleepy and chose a hot shower instead. Anyhoo.

I worked like a crazy fiend Monday, catching up on all the weekend news and dealing with Monday’s. At 3 I met Zac at Cafe Theatro and we drank Numi tea, then wandered over to Hollywood Tonight (with a stopover at the Liquor Express to grab some Fireball — more on that later). Charlie and the Chocolate Factory didn’t come out until Tuesday (today!) so we rented Ring II instead because I was in a tolerant mood and scary movies enable cuddling. At my house we made — I don’t remember what it’s called . . . it’s black tea with sugar and Fireball (aka cinnamon whisky) and it’s pretty damn good, once I got the ratio of tea:whisky right.

Things That Zac & I Talk About
– what is a preposition? What does it mean to end a sentence with one?
– is “contentedness” a word?
– political correctness (cool or not? relevant or passe?)
– whether we attended high school dances or not
– education: world-experience or academe?

Also, Zac has one of those woolie toques with the ear flaps and string ties . . . I’ve always loved those toques. I think this toque might be my Achilles’s heel. Even more potent than Buddy Holly glasses.

One of my weaknesses (i.e. it makes me squishy inside) is awkward, getting-to-know-each-other, sexual-tension-filled encounters. Sitting on a couch and watching movies is an excellent scenario for this sort of mood. It’s almost a shame once you get brave/comfortable enough to smooch, because then it’s a gradual slide into familiarity and (often) boredom. So I’m revelling in this whole experience.

Also, I got a quick smooch just before Zac’s bus came. Excellent.

Heather Gets Objective for a Moment
No, I’m not in love (yet) and this is definitely a physical & intellectual attraction. Zac is, I confess, 20. That’s younger than my brother, and pretty freaking young. Even though he often seems older. But he’s smart & shaggy (i.e. sexy) & a good person, and I REALLY like being around him, so he’s the perfect guy for me to know at this time.

In Other News
Mom & Dad gave me a mattress for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited. It’s going to be delivered sometime this week. I can’t wait.

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Noon Nap = Longer Day – Tuesday, Nov.8/05 – 8:23 pm
I slept from 3:30 until 5:30, when Matte woke me up via cell phone. We’re going to reconnect tomorrow.

And now, The Rick Mercer Report is on CBC, so I have to go watch that. Canadian duty.

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Unexpected SnuggleFest – Wednesday, Nov. 9/05 – midnight
Too tired to write a lot — will update properly tomorrow. But Zac smooched me and it was great.

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To Recap – Thursday, Nov.10/05 – early a.m.
After work yesterday I wandered around downtown doing errands and waiting for Matte to remember to call me so we could meet up and drink together. Errands included: mailing Q’s passport application, buying gum, browsing books & new Sudoku collections at Chapters, chatting up Liv while a line of customers waited, choosing a Real Red Wine (“Four Emus” from Western Austalia) and some faux vino for me. Matte didn’t call, but Zac did, so I invited him to have dinner with Q, Brian & me at Q’s house. We met up downtown and went to Q’s, had dinner, snuggled Celeste, etc. After dinner we walked to my house and drank the rest of the faux vino and Zac FINALLY (at 10 or 11 p.m.) was brave enough to smooch me. So that was fun.

New Things I Like About Zac
– he’s a perfect kisser;
– he’s not scrawny-skinny, or pudgy — he’s just right;
– he has amazing huge eyes, which I only noticed when he took his glasses off for a quick minute;
– his sexy deep voice and woolie toque with earflaps (these aren’t new things, but they’re certainly worth repeating).

Plans For the Weekend
Tonight Zac is meandering over to my place and we’re going to FINALLY watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Also, I hope my new mattress comes today!!! I’ve been leaving notes for the Purolater delivery person since Tuesday, just in case. I want to sleep without hurting my spine.

Friday I will be preparing The Great Greek Feast of 2005 at Q’s place. We’ve invited all sorts of people whom we haven’t seen in awhile. I’m going to make spanakopitas, salad, rice, pita bread & hummus, and Q will fire up his amazing BBQ and make chicken souvlakis. Also, I want to make pie if I have the time/inclination. Lemon meringue. Yummy.

And the rest of the weekend, the actual weekend, is surprisingly open. I’d like to go on a long walk with Celeste & Q, and I need to clean up the bunnies’ litter boxes. And do my dishes. Wow, this might actually be restful!!!

As For Matte
He called (and left a message) at 5:30pm. I think there was some vast miscommunication when we planned our encounter — I was asleep, after all — because he thought he was waiting for me to have a nap before we met up. Makes sense — I was probably muttering “sleep sleep sleep” on the phone.

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Preparing To Prepare a Feast – Friday, Nov. 11/05 – 10:08 am
I even remembered to bring the hand mixer to Q’s! And last night I went to Safeway and bought all the groceries, so I feel rather prepared to cook this Amazing Greek Dinner for our guests.

Deja Vu?
Just to prove that my life is ALWAYS TOO COMPLICATED, Zac will not be at dinner tonight, and will be AWOL for almost two weeks because . . .

. . . wait for it . . .

. . . his ex-girlfriend from Germany is visiting. To credit the man, he told me about this awhile ago and emphasised that it was a “friendly” visit, and that they’d broken up after she had the ticket so it’d be awkward no matter what. Regardless, I can’t help hearing bizarre echos of Shawn . . . except that Shawn was just my Man Friend & not a Snuggle Partner, and he was still dating his long-distance girlfriend, and that she ended up staying in Victoria after her “visit,” and that Shawn is incapable of having female friends AND a girlfriend. (Zac might have the same fault, but that’s a long way ahead.)

Whatever. I had a great night last night.

Other Updates
My new mattress: still not here — I can’t wait!!!

Bucky (Q’s gramma who was sick last weekend): they think she had a stroke. Q hasn’t given me many other updates, but I think she’s doing better.

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory: I think Zac liked it, except for a few elitist groans of disapproval. I urged him to consider the film as an aesthetic celebration of the original classic, with Tim Burton & Johnny Depp using all our crazy new technology to pay homage to Roald Dahl.

The bunnies: Peter’s perfectly fine, but I’m worried that the bunnies might not like the increasingly chilly weather (depite bunnies being PERFECTLY FINE IN COLD WEATHER), so I’m going to grab some straw and pack the lower level of their cage with it so they can have a burrow for the colder season.

The Menu For Tonight
– spanokopitas
– pita & red-pepper hummous
– special rice
– Greek salad
– Kalamata olives for those who like olives (ew)
– chicken souvlakis
– 2 lemon meringue pies

I’m wearing my “ACME Pie Factory” shirt: I’m ready to go.

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Some Saturday Thoughts – Nov. 12/05 – 12:57 pm
Our dinner was freaking phenomenal. I’m amazing.

Some new twists to my staple dinner recipes included:
– Quinn doesn’t have white sugar, only Splenda, so I had to use that in the lemon filling & the meringue for my pies. The filling tastes fine, but the meringue is strangely frothy (rather than sleek) and once cooked it looks like baked cereal. Tastes fine, although it’s a little crispy and overly sweet.
– I put only egg yolks into the spanokopita filling, rather than yolks + whites. This way there wasn’t weird green goop oozing out from the final products — and there was more of the proper spinach taste. Also, I used extra onions and that made it a little sweeter. Very nice.

Anyhoo, yum. And now I’m having Greek food for breakfast 🙂

I stayed over at Q’s last night, and Celeste snuggled with me ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke up in the middle of the night with her licking my ear. A lot.

And this morning I thought about two things, so here they are:

Rememberance Day
I didn’t go to the ceremony yesterday, what with preparing the huge feast, but I watched Vancouver’s ceremony on TV and did my two minutes of silence.

I tried to find the channel with Victoria’s ceremony, but couldn’t. Vancouver’s had two commentators and it was rather surreal, in a creepy disrespectful way.

COMMENTATOR 1: So, what’s happening right now?

COMMENTATOR 2: Well, here we have Jim Bob singing the national anthem. Jim Bob is a Big Name Singer with the Vancouver opera or something.

COMMENTATOR 1: Here we can see the veterans and the crowd standing for Oh Canada, and Jim Bob singing. What a sight, these people who came all this way despite the terrible weather to honour our veterans.

COMMENTATOR 2: Jim Bob’s done singing now. What’s happening next?

et cetera.

I don’t know anyone from any war . . . my Grampa Walker was in the Royal Canadian Air Force, but he died even before my dad met my mom. So every time they do the 2 minutes of silence I’ve tried to find something to think about that is respectful and means something. This year I’ve been surveying some of the 20-something men in my life and asking if they’d fight in a war. The majority have said they would, depending on the cause, and so I suppose this might have some meaning for me: the idea of Q and Matte and Zac and everyone killing people or dying. Especially since they are all so sensitive and non-aggressive (in a physical way). Not to mention that me & my women-friends would face the same decision and the same danger if we chose to go, since we live in such a liberated society 🙂

2nd Rumination : Marijuana
I hate it. I might be the only person of my generation in B.C. who’s never tried it. I always worried that:

  1. it’d make me stupid, and my brain’s my SuperPower so then I’d be fucked; and
  2. it’d do something funky to my ovaries so my babies would be fucked up. Bad Momma.

And NOW I’m starting to think that maybe this “drinking alcohol” thing wasn’t such a great idea, because my short-term memory is getting worse. I’d assumed that I’d inherited my terrible memory from Mom, but maybe I inherited an “alcohol = terrible memory” gene instead.

So
That’s what I’ve been thinking about. And now, having eaten Greek leftovers and some pie with crispy meringue, I think the Q and I will take Celeste for a good long walk.

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Awake Too Early On Sunday – Nov.13/05 – 8:32 am
Peter is stepping on my toes. He loves my slippers, and wants to suck on the ribbon ties . . .

Liv and I went out to Evolution last night. It was fun fun fun!!!!

Stange people I observed include:
– a 20-something guy who claimed a table by the dance floor, smooched with his girlfriend, then wandered onto the floor and did stretches for 15 minutes. The he started dancing, and didn’t stop until we left at 2:30am. His roommate came over to drunkenly chat with me at one point, because she said I was staring at him (oops) and I said “I know ‘mos, I’ve dated gay men, and that boy is gay.” And she said, “No, he’s engaged.” And I said, “Honey, that matters not.” She was nice.

Eventually Roger (the guy) took his outer-shirt off, to reveal the best T-shirt I’ve ever seen. It said: “Broke, and shitty in bed.”

– a skinny girl with a Mohawk who wore leather pants and looked like N-something on last season’s America’s Next Top Model.

– a gal with horns and cool clunky black boots laced with red ribbons.

Liv was looking hot, as usual. And I felt healthy, since I was dancing, which is technically exercise, even though I was also chugging vodka.

Being A Good Bunny Momma
Q drove me to Borden’s Mercantile yesterday and I bought a feedbag of straw. I crammed it into the lower level of Seamus & Caramel’s cage last night, and so now they have a burrow to cuddle in if/when they get cold.

Now all I need is to clean their fetid litterbox, and then I’ll be a Bunny Momma SuperStar.

Q’s Complete Misconception of Me
Conversation, post-strata council get-together at Q’s new house:

Q: You should date that Jim guy. He’s what I picture for you.

HEATHER: He’s pretty, but what else do you like about him?

Q: He’s athletic, and into that New Agey stuff.

HEATHER: I’m not athletic.

Q: I know. He might get you to exercise more.

HEATHER: I don’t like dating athletic men. Then I feel guilty about wanting to sit on the couch and watch movies and drink tea. They always want to go out and DO stuff.

Q: Exactly.

HEATHER: And what are you talking about, New Agey stuff? I’m not into that whole hippy-dippy shit.

Q: Have I influenced you too much?

HEATHER: I was never into that stuff.

Q: When I met you, you were dancing barefoot in the grass in long skirts.

HEATHER: I would never have done that. There’s too much rabbit shit at UVic.

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Productive Day – Sunday, Nov. 13/05 – 7:13 pm
Not only did I do all my dishes, dust, and take out the garbage, I also went on a 10 km walk around Elk Lake with Q and Celeste. It was muddy, and I think I have blisters. I hope we do it again soon.

Also, someone found my site today via an excite.com search for “Dwight Yokum’s penis.” No, I do not mention Dwight Yokum’s penis on this site. However, I DO compliment his sexy spider legs in On the Rag.

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More Drama, Because Apparently I Don’t Have Enough – Monday, Nov.14/05
I received an icky email from Zac’s email account: capital letters, lots of exclamation marks, and some random name-calling. I think it’s from his visiting (ex?) girlfriend. Ew. Completely unnecessary. I have no choice but to avoid contacting the guy, at least until she leaves for Germany.

I’m too old for this!!!!!

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I’m Loved & Appreciated! – Tuesday, Nov.15/05
Boss-Barb said a nice thing about me today. She said that underneath my “cute” exterior I’m very very smart and ridiculously competent.

A nice thing for a boss to say . . . it made me feel squishy inside.

Sleeping In
My alarm clocks haven’t been working this week. I keep sleeping in. 5 am is ungodly early, but since I go to bed at a proper time (8:30pm or 9) I don’t understand the problem. Every morning I’m amazed that I managed to get to work on time!

Atomic Vaudeville: The Secret is Out!
Britt Small has released the confidential details of AV’s next episode . . .

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Trying to Think of Something Other Than . . . – Wednesday, Nov.16/05 – 3:47 pm
. . . Zac’s psycho German girlfriend, and her surprising Email o’ Hatred earlier this week.

For the record, here’s what it said (sent from Zac’s email account, in response to a VERY INNOCUOUS email I’d sent. No “xxxooo”s or anything):

PSYCHO GERMAN GIRLFRIEND’S EMAIL:
“LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE YOU UGLY SLUT!!!!!!”

Q’s response: that’s what I get for “dating” a young’un.

My response: Q’s right. Also, here are the thoughts that keep bothering me, thereby making this icky experience resonate for longer than it deserves:

1. Ew, ew, I don’t like people being mean to me. Except that it’s better that she she doesn’t even know me, since therefore there’s no authority behind her name-calling.

2. Clearly there’s some miscommunication here, since Zac told me they’d broken up and it was a “friendly” visit. One of them is not being honest.

3. Despite what their relationship was like before the visit, the Psycho German Girlfriend (PGG) clearly believes that Zac is her boyfriend, and therefore he must have done something to encourage this idea (i.e. have sex with her). While this in itself doesn’t bother me, since we are only “dating,” it does imply that:
a.) he misled me with the whole “friendly visit” thing; and that
b.) if he still expects to have me around when the visit is over, then he’s being ridiculously selfish by leading his PGG to believe they are “together.”

So . . . correct me if I’m wrong, but this means that there is a 98% chance that Zac is a dink. (The 2% is because I always give someone the chance to tell their side of the story, and she might be truly Psycho and it might all be a big fucking mess.)

Which means that I’m back to a pre-bus situation, and we all need to find me someone new to go out with.

Ugh.

In Other, More Grown Up News
My mattress still isn’t here! Damn that Purolator.

And I am very excited about Atomic Vaudeville next week . . .

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Another Perspective – Thursday, Nov. 17/05 – early a.m.
Q suggested an alternate understanding of the PGG/Zac situation last night. The PGG must have had some source for her knowledge of me and my relationship with Zac, other than the email I sent — the email could easily have been from a friend or whatever. So maybe she knows about me because Zac told her about me. And maybe their visit is a “friendly” one, but she’s truly psycho and therefore wants me to go away because she’s jealous or possessive.

I like this perspective, because I like Zac and I want to keep him around. I suppose it’s better than writing him off — at least until he gets a chance to explain what the hell happened.

And hey, I liked his first “excessively formal email” that he sent me after our bus encounter! It’s far better than:

Hey
Got you’re note
Send a pic
– bus guy

ew.

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Some Stuff – Friday, November 18, 2005 – early a.m.
Q came over to visit and watch The Daily Show after his gym time last night. I bought parsley yesterday after work, and Q even managed to get Peter to eat some from his hand, which is truly remarkable since Peter is so tramautised by Q’s aggressively snuggling back in his bunnyhood. Also, Peter cooperated and played Monster a little bit: he growls and makes bizarre, un-bunnylike sounds in response to me waving a piece of toilet paper at his front paws. Sometimes he lunges too, and that’s crazy, but he didn’t do that for Q. Oh well, at least he’s stopped hiding under the couch.

Heather the Chunky Monkey
I’ve gained a lot of weight this year. I think it’s due to my always-sitting government job & my bread fetish. So instead of the 109/115 I weighed until last year, I’m now a pleasantly plump 132 lbs. It’s been a thrilling experience adjusting to my new size: new bras, new pants, almost-new dresses that I have to give away, coming to terms with backfat and love-handles . . . anyhoo, I realised yesterday that in my head I’ve started to picture myself with a stocky, chubby body shape. And then I looked down, and I’m not stocky or chubby. I’m a healthy weight for my height and age, and I have new boobs and curvy bits. It’s very confusing. Especially since whenever someone sees me after a long time they tend to comment on my new “chubbiness.”

Q’s DAD: Wow, you’ve really chunked-up!

I think this will all be for the best, once my mental self-image catches up with the reality. Until then, I’ll keep wearing inappropriate clothing.

Nightmare
Last night I dreamt I went to a concert or a play or something and I’d bought tickets ($31 each – very specific) for me and a friend. But then when we sat down I couldn’t see the stage AT ALL, and for some reason I didn’t properly notice or think it was worth mentioning/fixing until after the show.

What the hell does that mean, if anything???? I would never “suffer in silence.” And for some reason, in the dream I blamed it all on the friend, who never asked if I could see. Again, not like me: I would have caused a scene, regardless.

Um
And that’s about it, I think. No further drama to report re: love affairs. Work has been insanely busy — I was at the office from 6am until 3:45pm yesterday, with a quick sushi lunch around noon. And Mom says my new mattress (!!!!!) is backordered or something.

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Rotarian Arm Candy – Friday, Nov. 18/05 – 11:16 pm
Q took me to a Rotary thingy tonight. We had dinner and heard Stephen Lewis speak. Interesting information (although disgusting) re: AIDS in Africa, orphans, Western World apathy, et cetera.

Now, to bed.

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Sleepy at 10:33 a.m. – Saturday, Nov. 19/05
I only got out of bed because I had to pee. And because I could hear Seamus & Caramel chewing on something wooden, and it didn’t sound familiar, so I wanted to see what they were snacking on (it was a detachable, homemade window screen that they’ve dug out from behind their cage).

The saddest thing on Saturday mornings is that I so often don’t have any milk in the house. Therefore, I can’t drink tea. So I have to decide if I want tea enough to get sort of presentable and wander down to the gas station to buy a litre of milk.

Also, I have these ankle socks that are really soft inside and I wear them when I sleep if my feet are cold. They are wonderful.

Something With Substance Gets Written Here
um.

Oh!! I saw Stephen Lewis speak last night. It was a lot like reading Barbara Kingsolver’s book, that one about a missionary family living in Africa: after reading it I felt nauseaus in Safeway because of Western excess and consumerism and waste.

Stephen Lewis has done everything that I one day think Quinn will: politics, diplomacy, and now he’s the United Nations’ envoy on HIV and AIDS, which means that he travels around and meets with dignitaries and HIV/AIDS-affected people and speaks at fundraisers, et cetera. He is a very good speaker — primarily because of his exceptional vocabulary. Q learned the word “irreverent” and I finally heard the correct pronunciation of “succor.” He is funny and charismatic — even I, who know all about the speechwriting machinations that go on, thought he was improvising at times.

And I’m impressed that after LIVING DAILY with the same rage and frustration that Barbara Kingsolver’s book inspired in me — he’s been dealing with the Western world’s apathy for more than four years now — Stephen Lewis still manages to attend a Rotarian dinner with all those accountants & business people, the catered meal, and those other Western excesses, and he doesn’t open fire on all of us. He just tells us how shitty things are, and then we donate money to help out.

Last night they raised more than $27,000 — we never heard the final count after the silent auction was tallied.

Oh, and I was also impressed that he didn’t censor his message for the Rotarian (often elderly male) audience: he spoke about sexually empowering African women to stop the gender-disproportionate spread of HIV, and he told a story about a “child-headed household” where the 14 year old “mother” (their parents had died from AIDS) had no idea why she was menstruating, because there was no one alive to tell her.

Every year the government in BC campaigns to get its employees to donate, and twice now I’ve searched through all the human-focused causes to select the Victoria SPCA and other wildlife organizations. And even now, the primary focus of my “non-profit” donations is local theatre. Every time, I feel somewhat guilty that I’m not supporting a homeless shelter, and last night I wondered about giving that money to African organisations. (“Holocaust,” “annihilation” and “extermination” are powerful words.)

But I’m not going to change the focus of my sponsorships. I wonder why not?

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Unhappy Internet Gods – Sunday, Nov.20/05 – 9:39 am
It’s as if my modem and/or cable connection are tired. My internet access depends on their mood. But a Shaw service guy is coming to fix everything later today, so hopefully that will be resolved.

I hadn’t realised how internet-dependent I’ve become until last night, when I couldn’t check my email. Who knows what drama has occurred! Has the PGG written me a death threat? Has Zac begged for a secret booty-call? Has Hollis said his first word yet??????!! Very upsetting.

In Other Upsetting News
Jessie & I saw a poster at A&B Sound yesterday: in medias res is coming to play in Victoria this Thursday. Questions:

1. why weren’t Q and I told, since we are in medias res’s Victoria connections???
2. will Ryan inform us at all? (Even to ask if they can use Q’s place to camp out, or the shower or something?)

Also, how fucked up is this, that just as the PGG is about to go away and I’m expecting after-shock drama with Zac (will we still be “dating”??) Ryan my Rockstar decides to come to Victoria. Nothing is ever static or simple in my world. How is it in yours???

Oh, and Jimmy
Last night Jessie & Karen & I went to drink martinis at Syn, and we were looking very hot. A table of guys in suits kept staring at us, and we were loving the attention, and then I got a note from the waitress with my name on it. It was from Jimmy, and he asked if he could buy me a drink.

Very bizarre.

And then I realised that one of the guys in suits (he had his back to me, so I’m forgiven here) was Jimmy. So he came over and I had to explain/dodge why I haven’t called/emailed him back:

HEATHER: Why are you all wearing suits?

And then Jimmy’s food arrived so he returned to his table, and one of his friends (the birthday boy, and the reason they were wearing suits) sent us a round of drinks, so we sent him a muff diver (which is a shot surrounded by whipped cream and lots of chocolate foam — very messy — and you’re supposed to “dive” into the cream to get the shot glass with your mouth). That was amusing.

And then we left.

Eventually, after experiencing the BIGGEST CROWD OF 40-SOMETHINGS at Swans EVER and leaving, we ended up at The Temple. The Temple is a pseudo-Vancouver martini bar. Also, by then we’d picked up Jessie’s friend Channelle and her boyfriend Dave, and their friend Ben. And Karen’s friend Greg came over for a bit, and Ben invited his guy friend over, so at any given point we were SURROUNDED by beautiful, single 25-35 year old men.

Yummy.

It was a very odd experience. Conversation was superficial and centred mostly around careers, except for when I brought up Fraggle Rock, but that’s just because I was drunk.

In retrospect, I’m not entirely sure why Jessie & I left when we did, because by then the couple had left and seating arrangements had shifted and I think Ben & friend were moving closer to us. Hmm.

Well, whatever, we were sleepy and we wandered off, and now I’m going to drink a pot of tea before the cable guy comes and then I’m going to help Liv move.

Oh, Updates re: Liv
Not only is Liv moving, due to a sudden break up with her boyfriend and roommate, but ALSO she’s coming to work at our ministry!!!!!!!!! Her first day is November 28th. I can’t wait.

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And Suddenly, It’s Practically Monday – Nov. 20/05 – 9:03 pm
I’m doggy-sitting Celeste until Q gets back from Vernon sometime Tuesday night. We played catch in the hallway, and I brushed her twice, and we wrestled in front of the fireplace for a bit. Also, I ate some REALLY REALLY BAD gyoza from the freezer. They tasted SO BAD that I had to drink fifty glasses of water and brush my teeth just to get the taste out of my mouth. Ick.

I somehow managed to be productive today while feeling like I was doing everything half-assed. My dishes are clean, the bunnies are all fed and watered (Peter even has a new, clean litterbox), I helped Liv & her brother Bjorn move a load into her new apartment, I had dim sum with Billy and Q, I got a new modem, I talked to my parents, I ate two or three meals, . . .

Lately I’ve been extra stupid at my Sudoku puzzles. It’s taking me longer to figure them out, and I’ve been stuck on one in particular all day long. Mom suggests the following reasons:

1. I drink alcohol and alcohol kills brain cells;
2. I’m very very very busy and don’t have the brain energy to remember things (or think logically) anymore.

So, somehow it’s already the end of the weekend. I’m going to have a shower and snuggle with Celeste in Q’s excellent bed. I wonder if Celeste will be awake enough at 5am to go outside for a pee?

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New Years – Monday, November 20, 2005 – 7:43 pm
We’re having a party at Q’s — last year’s was SO MUCH FUN and this year we have even more people we like. I want to put up Christmas decorations at Q’s again — he hates Christmas so every year I’m determined to overdo it. I tried to get the tree out of storage before he left for Vernon but he saw through my sneakiness. I’ll have to wait for December 1st to do the tree.

Anyhoo, I’ve been thinking of resolutions this year. I used to try all those crappy ones, like eating properly and exercising, etc., but they never last — only the writing ones stick around. In 2004 I wanted to get published, so that was the mission. And this year I wanted to write everyday, and not in a vacuum, and HERE WE ARE, and it’s November, and I have pages and pages on this stalker-friendly site. So 2006??? I dunno — I’ve applied for my MFA in Creative Writing at UBC, I have plays ready to be workshopped and produced . . . and I have this site, which I want to keep around for awhile longer.

The best thing about making a resolution each year is that it assuages guilt. If I’m focussed on keeping up this site, I don’t feel guilty for not submitting my stuff to publications; if my goal is to get published, I don’t have to write everyday. My energy can go to one thing, and then I actually get it done.

Anyhoo. Celeste and I went for a walk tonight after dinner — around the block or three — and now she’s passed out by the patio door. She’s either exhausted or it’s too hot in here with the fireplace on . . . I made myself steak for dinner on Q’s BBQ, and I confess I gave the little tubby bitch a piece or two. The walk was for both our bellies . . .

Writing Every Day
One might expect that “writing every day” should mean poetry or part of a story or something. HOWEVER. Writing is like any skill — like being a marathon runner. I would never wake up and decide to run 10 km without stretches and a gradual build-up of endurance & fitness. (Well, that’s not a good example — I rarely wake up and want to do anything other than drink tea and/or eat eggs.) It takes practice to be able to write, because a sort of non-self-monitoring mentally is necessary. It has to be effortless, like speaking, and that’s why I disapprove of the “I’ll be a writer when I retire” mentality. Imagine spending all that time working, having a family, and/or watching TV, only to sit down one day when you’re 60-something and expect to create a masterpiece. It’s a set-up for disappointment. And shitty writing.

So this is me stretching.

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Ugh – Tuesday, November 22/05 – lunchtime
Poor Jessie just endured an entire lunch break with me in a pissy mood. I feel icky, bored, stagnant, unloved, dull, flacid . . . oh, hold on!!! This is PMS!!!

YAY!! It’s not my fault!!!!! My life doesn’t suck!!!!

Also, Liv is having Jessie & me over to unpack and drink & bitch about shit tonight. I need this.

To-Do List
7th Annual Lighted Truck Parade & Food Drive: December 3, 2005

Help find a cure for AIDS.

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Home Sweet Home – Tuesday, November 22/05 – 8:50 pm
I love my apartment. It’s crowded and cluttered and tiny and there’s hay everywhere, but I love it. I’ve unpacked all my house/doggy-sitting stuff, and had a shower, and now I get to sleepy in my own bed (a nice change, regardless of the crappy mattress) and struggle with progressively trickier Sudoku puzzles while listening to Peter eat his dinner. Heaven.

Q’s flight was endangered due to the fog, but he landed fine, and we went to pick up a parcel that’s been waiting for him, and there was a present FOR ME TOO!!!!!!! It was a really really beautiful pink pashmina scarf and pink blouse/shirt from Dean in Pakistan. I’m not usually one to appreciate fabric, but wowee, this scarf is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned. It’s long and wide and silky, and it’s the pink that makes me prettiest. The shirt might be too big, but I’ll try it tomorrow for work — it’s just so beautiful. I feel like a sophisticated grown up. I needed something to replace my ratty pink wool scarf (it’s probably filthy with plague/avian flu germs by now) and Dean’s scarf is perfect.

Anyhoo, that surprise gift o’ love and the return of my best friend & Non-Romantic Life Partner was exactly what I needed to perk me up. Oh, and that 1/2 bottle of Wild Vines Blackberry 🙂

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Pretty in Pink Pashmina – Wednesday, Nov.23/05
My new shirt/blouse is beautiful. It’s long, especially in the sleeves, but my boobs and belly fill it out fine. I feel like a princess.

Liv called and asked me to do a final Throw Shit Into the Dumpster Clean Up with her after she’s done work — if anyone feels inspired to come and help us for half an hour, we’d both appreciate it. I want to put a mattress under her 2nd story living room window and drop the garbage. From there it’d only be 20 steps to the dumpster . . .

And As For Zac
His PGG left and now I’m just wondering if he’ll call me. I expect the whole visit was dramatic & emotionally-draining and confusing, and I want to wait for him to call before I/we figure out what’s next. Meanwhile, I’m in love with the cover guy on this week’s Monday Magazine . . .

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So Tired – Wednesday, Nov.23/05 – 8:25 pm
Liv & I carried loads of garbage & bottles & old clothes & furniture from apartment to dumpster for almost two hours, then carried stuff up to her storage locker in the new place, and then she bought me Wendy’s and we ate and fantasized about her working at the ministry next Monday. And now I’m going to have a shower and go to bed.

Also:
HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY, JOEY!!!

I thought about you being older ALL DAY LONG 🙂 I love you.

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EEK!!!! So Excited!!! – Thursday, Nov.24/05 – 2:54 pm
I can’t wait for Atomic Vaudeville tonight.

Meanwhile, I Take Control of the Shit
I sent this email to Zac this morning:

Hello?
I assume your visit is over, and that either:
1. you have reunited with your German love and intend to do the long-distance thing, or
2. not.
Just in case, I thought I’d say hi, and that if your world &/or availability have changed then that’s fine. Otherwise, give me a call, dammit, because there are daily adventures that you are missing out on.
Also, if you could please confirm that you get this email, I’d appreciate it, since I suspect your German love has your password and I will otherwise think she’s deleted it.
Happy Thursday 🙂
– Heather

No response as yet . . .

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Setting Goals is Crucial to Success – Friday, Nov.25/05
I’m so tired. Usually I get at least one day per week to sleep all afternoon, but I was too busy and now I’m a zombie. Immediate goal: a nap, with Celeste, in front of the fireplace at Q’s house.

I realised the other day, while riding escalators with Jessie in The Bay, that I’m such a good little work-finder that all I have to do is apply those same strategies to men, and I will no doubt find true love. Or at least a decent snuggle partner to spend the winter with. Key strategies include: networking; aggressive self-promotion; being open to new opportunities; and dressing appropriately at opportune times. So this means that I should put forth a call via my friends and colleagues, approach sexy men I discover on the bus/street, go out to different bars/clubs/social gatherings, and dress like a sexy 25 year old.

I’m too tired to be overly enthused about this new project.

Meanwhile
Still no word from Zac. Last night Britt & the other Atomic Vaudeville monkeys revealed that they’d composed and even developed a “Canadian Heritage” moment taken directly from my site, about the 98% chance of Zac being a dink. They ultimately cut the skit, since only six of us in the audience would have found it hilarious, but Britt has promised to burn the audio component for me so I can hear it.

Jacob asked me if I would have minded — it’s a personal drama, after all — but I assured him that I would not. If Zac had called/emailed and subsequently attended the performance with me, he could have had a say in it, but since he didn’t/hasn’t then he’ll just have to deal. Ha! So there! See what happens why you piss me off? People get on stage and mock you. HA!

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Weekends Are the Grooviest – Saturday, Nov.26/05 – 9:28 am
I slept at Q’s from 3:30pm almost straight through to 10pm. And then I came home and went to bed. So now I feel RECHARGED and READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. Also, I took an extra 20mg of Happy Pills this morning. I’m a positive-thinking SuperStar.

I had the depressing experience of being rejected by American Express because of my crappy credit. (Seriously — who gets rejected by a credit card company????) But I can’t help it, I swear — it’s those goddamn student loans, and my occassional tendency to forget to make the payments. And student loan collectors are ruthless: one hour late, and your personal info is on its way to Texas so that some drawling minimum wage redneck can call you on your cellphone and threaten the lives of your house rabbits.

Money is my unhappiness-button. It was rather tramautic trying to survive as a student for five years with no secure income. (Hello Happy Pills!!!) And even now, with my government-whore salary and relative security, I panic when it comes to money.

Whatever. Thank you Stephen Lewis for some perspective: I’m not HIV-positive, living in poverty with an apathetic global community watching.

Another Realm of Self-Pity
I’m not comfortable with being not-in-control of certain situations, so I called Zac yesterday after work.

HEATHER: Is this Zac?

ZAC: Is this Heather?

HEATHER: What the fuck?

Essentially Zac is exactly what we all are at 20: obliviously in love with our first love. His PGG came to visit, and they bonded, and they want to try the long-distance thing. This DESPITE THE FACT that she told him about the psycho email she sent me the VERY DAY that she sent it. Not only did this not make him turn her over to immigration — he also didn’t feel the need to call/write and apologise to me asap. So all in all, not the biggest loss in the world that I won’t be seeing him again. As for being a dink, I think he’s just young. Aren’t we all dinks when we’re young?

Now, while this does not make me sad in the sense that Zac is gone from my snuggle-couch, it DOES make me sad because this is YET ANOTHER rejection. I keep “offering” my affection to unworthy men (and I even know they’re unworthy! I just want the momentary thrill!) and they play along for a few days, and then they say, “No thanks, Heather.”

If I had worse self-esteem, it’d be a lot easier to tolerate. But as it is, I know that these boys aren’t “good enough” for me — they’re young and/or weak and/or unambitious. So it’s a lot harder to accept that they don’t want my affection.

Q (currently a Love-Guru because he’s found a Great Catch) says that I’m too focussed on FINDING a snuggle partner/True Love. He says I have to be okay with not having one, and that’s when I’ll find it.

This is crap. Especially if you consider my clever work-strategy analogy detailed above.

I’m a very independent woman — I don’t want a housemate or even daily boyfriend. But just as we all need money to pay our rent and buy groceries/martinis, we also need someone to snuggle with occassionally and feel appreciated by. I get some snuggles and love from Q, Jessie, Liv, etc., but we all know that’s not the same thing.

Whatever.
I’m going to try and realign my energies toward writing. Specifically:
1. getting another play on stage; and
2. creating a new portfolio of current writing.

After my AmEx rejection, I started thinking about how I’d feel if my MFA application was rejected. And that would cause serious trauma. Aiming for my MFA counters my daily government-whoring: I haven’t sold out, because I still plan to Be A Writer. If UBC thinks I suck, I don’t know what’s next. Therefore, a new portfolio and a new MFA application would revive my Writerly Goals.

Also
Spencer’s cutting my hair today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A New Do = A New You – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 12:04 pm
Spencer’s said that getting a haircut is a traumatic experience, since it involves a great deal of change in a short amount of time. I get haircuts whenever I need this trauma (or when I remember to make an appt, because my hair is becoming mullet-like). Yesterday Spencer dyed my hair a very blonde-blonde (we tried out a new dye they’d ordered, called “ash”) and chopped it. I love it. It’s different from the cut I’ve been getting for most of this past year, but it’s short and frazzled and soft.

Last night, Spencer & Q and I watched Cold Case Files and gradually desensitized ourselves to murder, torture, and unwarranted conviction. And we drank a lot of wine. And then we went to Brian’s house, which by the way is BEAUTIFUL and exactly what I’ve always wanted to own: three or more stories, bright colours, very open, with fireplaces and an AMAZING veranda with a cherry (?) tree growing up through the floor. We met Jesse, Brian’s Vancouver friend, and went to see Rent at SilverCity.

Rent
is the worst movie ever produced in the history of the universe. I thought I’d like it, since I write musicals, but even I was laughing at the TERRIBLE ABSURDITY within five minutes. Maybe it got better after the first scene — I don’t know, because we left, giggling, and watched Pride & Prejudice, with Kira Knightly, instead.

(If a handful of ‘mos and a musical playwright walk out on something like Rent, it has to be terrible . . . Q doesn’t count, because he hates musicals anyways and I had to trick him to get him into the theatre.)

So bed at 2am, and now I’m supposed to Hurry Up And Shower because we have a group brunch date.

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Wisdom Teeth Update – Sunday, Nov.27/05 – 7:55 pm
Right bottom is half in and I don’t even notice it; left bottom is achey and half in. Nothing to report re: the top.

Exciting Plans This Week
1. Liv starts work tomorrow!!!!!!
2. Q is having a party on Friday night.
3. Jessie & I are going on a pub crawl Saturday (hopefully Liv will come too).
4. I’m supposed to meet up with Britt and the new producer of Atomic Vaudeville — we’re going to scheme as to how to takeover the world. Also, I’ll get my cd of Zac’s “Heritage Moment” — I wonder if I can put audio on this site . . .

Why I Didn’t Call My Family Tonight
I’m supposed to call every Sunday, but today I was so grumpy & in such a foul funk when I got home that I didn’t want to subject them to my mood. I feel a lot better now, though — I did my dishes, tidied up a bit, watered the bunnies, and watched Levi MacDougall on Popcultured (which otherwise is a terrible waste of airtime).

I’m going home for Christmas on December 14th, and I’ll be home for almost three weeks . . . I find that some withdrawal beforehand helps make the visit more enjoyable. Otherwise I become a parentable daughter, rather than a Christmas guest. I told Dad once that I’m too old to be parented, meaning that if it hasn’t sunk in by now then there’s no use trying . . . does that sound awful? It makes me angstful when other people try to “fix” my life. I’ve done a fine job so far — it’s a little late to advise.

Or maybe not? Am I a 25-year-old know-it-all?

What I Know For Sure
I’m going to have a bath and go to bed now.

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Craft Time – Monday, Nov.28/05 – 10:38 pm
I made paper mache Christmas balls today. I haven’t played with paper mache for awhile — it’s icky gooey but so pleasurable, especially because I tried a recipe I found online that involves boiling the water. It was like smooshing my fingers in warm custard . . .

Anyhoo. I’m Celeste-sitting tonight because Q’s in Parksville for work. The forecast calls for snow tonight, so we’re just hoping he’ll be able to make it back . . . my bunnies get pissy when I abandon them mid-week.

Ew, pissy — what a terrible adjective for rabbits . . .

Also Liv started her new job today!!!!! I’m surrounded by people I love at work. It’s groovy.

And I had an appointment with Raffaele, my banker, to figure out how to improve my credit, but he says I just have to keep paying off my debt. Go figure. Raffaele used to be one of the only people around my age that I knew who was married — now he’s the only one I know who’s divorced. Poor guy. I hope he’s happier now — I’m not friendly enough with him to ask. Hopefully he’ll come to a party with us sometime and he’ll feel like bonding.

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Owwie Owwie – Tuesday, Nov.29/05 – 8:55 pm
My head hurts.

Back in the day when I was experimenting with my Happy Pills dosage it was VERY VERY easy to cry. For no reason. At any time, any place. It was difficult to NOT cry in public. And now my head hurts, and I feel like I just need a good solid cry to make it better. I’m not sad about anything . . . even my terrible credit doesn’t make me too upset. It’s just been a really long time since I cried, and I need the purge. I’ve been brainstorming cry-motivators all evening: watching a sad movie (but I don’t cry at movies — except for that part in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks is talking to Jenny’s grave and he says:

TOM: He’s so smart, Jenny.

That always gets me chokey), or thinking about stressful things like money, or trying really hard to feel unloved. Nothing’s working, though. I’m going to try to make myself sad in the shower — that always did it back in the Crazy Days.

I’m not weird in this, I’m pretty sure. You all know what I mean about needing a good cry, right?

Peter’s Nesting
He’s been sitting in his litterbox since I got home. It’s not Easter, so I don’t know what’s up. Haha, I’m so funny.

Erm.

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Next Federal Election
Paul Martin’s speechwriter is keeping a blog. It’s kinda funny.