Tag Archives: wisdom teeth

June 2005

Sexy Surrey – Thursday, June 2, 2005 – 8:36 pm
Well that was fun.

LESSONS LEARNED:

  • I don’t like sitting around listening to people talk about geological phenomena, disasters, and emergency protocol.
  • I like daiquiris. Especially strawberry daiquiris.
  • Don’t Eat Tuna Sandwiches When You Didn’t Make Them Yourself.
  • it’s possible to get a decently large tattoo for less than $500.
  • postcards are usually not available at gas stations.
  • PT Cruisers have generous head room.
  • some men still open doors, pull out chairs, and are otherwise chivalrous to women (in addition to Q, whose momma taught him VERY well).
  • skirts are pretty, practical, and travel well, but they are cold in air-conditioned places (including on airplanes). Bring sweaters & knee socks.

Upon Arriving Home
My apt did NOT smell like hay. I’m surprised. But Peter is being weird. He’s sitting by the door to the balcony, with his nose practically in the crack ‘tween door and frame. Either he’s guarding me against The Outside World, or the baby bunnies are starving to death and he doesn’t want me to go feed them. (“That will only encourage them.”)

Then I called Q, to assure him that I was alive. He was napping, as usual.

Then I checked my email, but NO there was NOTHING from ANYONE EXCITING*, including TMWWIAIL, from whom I have also not yet received a single postcard. I, meanwhile, bought three postcards in Surrey. And I’ve already mailed one of them. And that was after an absence of less than two days.

*I just remembered — there was one exciting email from Evy, with new ultrasound photos of Baby Jared. Apparently her belly has started to move around independently of her, and her nipples are doing something gross that I don’t want to talk about. This whole pregnancy thing is so cool. And creepy.

Now
I am going to have a bath and put on my nammies. And then I might watch crapTV or go to bed or eat something or drink a cider or do a crossword. Who knows? It’s a magical, uncertain time of life . . .

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Other Travel Adventures – June 3, 2005
I almost forgot — the Blue Bird taxi man who drove me to the airport Wednesday morning was fascinating. He’s 62, and he’s been to 52 countries. He said that he only had a grade six education and could barely read or write, and then in subsequent conversation he used the word “anomaly” in a sentence.

I told my new PAB friend Jeremy about this, and he pointed out that literacy and vocabulary don’t necessarily require one another. Someone can speak a language without being able to write it. And that’s a very good point.

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How To Clean A Teapot – June 4, 2005 – 8:15 am
1. rinse the inside so it’s wet
2. dump some baking soda inside & around the top, then put the lid on and shake it all around
3. let it sit for a few minutes / days
4. rinse with hot water and a cloth
5. use your fingers to swish around inside the spout
6. rinse well with hot water

A clean teapot is a satisfying thing.

“Groupie” Redefined
I’m intrigued as to what Liv will write about last night.

Sooooo, we went to see some bands at Lucky and it was fucking bizarre. The first group came out with some woman in underwear & garters, and I thought she was the drummer because drumming is hot work, but NO she sat on the speaker, smoked, flipped through a porn mag, and progressively undid her top. Full on fake titties. I swear to god. Of course, I’m not very good at keeping my mouth shut. And I’d had some doubles. (Alcohol unfortunately counteracts the effects of prozac, which allows me to stifle my impulse control disorder.) However, the music was fairly loud, so even when I was screaming at the band I doubt anyone heard me beyond the first few rows.

There was more, but I think I’ll write about tea instead.

Or Not
Earlier, we went to a play at the Belfrey and it was equally fucked. A guy from New Zealand presented his creation myth involving a manicurist named Alice/Emily and a talking hand.

Also, we saw Keith (the Brooding Playwrite from our UVic days) and he is going to Europe very soon. He looks rather gaunt, which I suppose is required for a Brooding Playwrite. He’s going to send me a postcard. He promised. (Ahem.)

And Today
I just made a pot of Lipton yellow bag orange pekoe and I am going to eat Tylenol and drink water and watch the rest of Groundhog Day, on tape from earlier this week. At 9:45am I am supposed to be at the gorge for our rowing regatta, which is very exciting. I am hoping that: a.) it doesn’t rain; and b.) I feel less shaky by then.

Fuck McDonald’s
I cannot believe that McDonald’s isn’t open at 2 am. I wanted NOTHING ELSE but a BigMac & fries last night, and they were closed. I didn’t think McD’s ever closed. And also there was some guy inside doing work things, just to taunt me.

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Rowing Results & Then Bedtime – Saturday, June 4, 2005 – 7 pm
We did so well today. Most importantly, it didn’t rain. The wind & water were moving in a favourable direction, and I got to use a megaphone, and we didn’t hit ANYTHING, and my rowers all loved me because I screamed until my voice quit.

For those of you who care, we rowed 500 metres in about 1 minute, 30 seconds — twice. That’s pretty darn fast. Also, I not only have my first ever team shirt, but ALSO my first ever team medal — a silver medal in the middle level, which means that we’re fast but not too fast.

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Another Day, Another Pot of Tea – Sunday, June 5, 2005 – 7 am
I slept for 12 hours.

In other news, I caught my reflection this a.m. and I suspect I slept so well partly due to sunstroke, because my face is RED RED RED with sunshine. Who knew that clouds don’t offer 100% UV protection?? Oh, I did. Well whatever. I like sunshine. A good rosy burn is a sunshine souvenir. It’ll keep me glowy through this rainy Sunday.

Messages on My Phone
Thank you for all the invitations to Late Night Saturday Bonding Events. I was sleeping, and that’s why I didn’t answer or return your calls. But you probably knew that, if you know me well at all.

Also, Flashback to Liv
First off, “Liv” is pronounced “leave,” contrary to the propaganda spewed out by that Evil Liv Taylor.

SCENE 1
Liv & Heather are waiting for a cab outside the Belfry Theatre Friday night.

HEATHER: There’s a leaf stuck under my shoe.

Liv steps on Heather’s foot.

LIV: There’s a Liv on top of your shoe too.

(hahahahahaha.)

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In other news – June 7, 2005
I am grumpy/cranky/pissy/bitchy today. I dunno why. Stupid unsummery weather, stupid routine, stupid lack of sleep . . . If anyone has tips or wisdom for how to sparkle up these dull days, send me a love letter.

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I Managed To Get Out Of Bed – Wednesday, June 8, 2005
It was difficult.

Another Classic Ferry Moment
The closest Walk-On scenario EVER: Regan, Q and I finished Baan Thai dinner at 8:20pm, did a GrabTheDog&Regan’sSuitcase at 8:23pm, and busted it out to the ferry at TopSpeeds. Despite Q’s impeccable driving, it was looking sketchy, and this was the LAST FERRY OF THE DAY, so I changed into my SuperHero suit and ran like a crazy person to the departures area, ONLY TO FIND all the cashier lanes with bright red “CLOSED” signs.

HEATHER (Darth Vader, Sith-style): Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I saw a ferry woman in one of the lanes, and I pleaded, and she called Those In Power and gave me the ticket and Regan and I carried her ginormous suitcase down a really steep flight of stairs (I almost died) and RAN to the dock and Regan leapt over the chasm of water and landed, catlike, on the ferry.

The Classicest (?) Ferry Moment Ever with a car was when Q and I were in line behind this truck, and the ferry was basically full, and so the ferry guy stopped the truck and let us onto the ferry because Tammy the Toyota Tercel was just small enough to fit.

And About Writing and Such
I will start my Great Canadian Novel today. I’m just moody enough for the writing to be good.

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Heather’s New Health Regime – June 8, 2005 – 3:30 pm
PHYSICAL: Upon arriving home from work, check my mailbox for a letter/postcard from TMWWIAIL. If there is nothing there, channel the resulting rage/fury/moodiness into a 10 minute run around the block.

Also, do situps and pushups when bored at Q’s and when watching crapTV.

Walk whenever possible (vs. taking the bus, driving).

Also, figure out some way to do pull ups, so as to develop wicked biceps like the blonde on Blue Crush.

SPIRITUAL: Pay attention to the cheesy mantras posted on the church’s signboard. Ruminate for a few minutes.

CREATIVE: Start writing Great Canadian Novel.

And look into funding options, requirements, etc. for MFA.

SOCIAL: Keep on doing as is.

Except maybe don’t drink so much, since this concerns Mom. And cider = belly.

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BRING BACK SUMMER – June 9, 2005
Jessie & and I attended the Premier Night of Bachelors & Brides, featuring some of our favourite performers from Atomic Vaudeville’s monthly cabarets. It was very funny.

If you or anyone you know has an interest in any of the following, I recommend that you go to one of their performances:
– if you are married, about to be married, or have ever known someone who is;
– if you saw the Vagina Monologues and liked it;
– if you like funny theatre;
– if you happen to be downtown anytime on June 9th (today), 11th, 12th, 15th, 16th, 18th, or 19th (that’s Wednesday to Sunday for the next two weeks).

Doors open @ 7:30 pm, show starts @ 8 pm. Venue is the Victoria Event Centre at 1415 Broad Street, across from the New VI. AND, although it isn’t licensed, Q lives nearby so you can smuggle in some cold vodka to mix with the available beverages.

Oh And Also
I redeemed my auction-purchased gift certificate for Syn dinners, and I now have 10-minus-one $30 gift certificates. (Jessie and I used one last night.) So if anyone chooses to attend Atomic Vaudeville’s Best in Show episode with us regulars on June 29th, you might get a sweet pre-show dinner deal. They have steak + $5 lobster tails, and the best martinis in the world . . .

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Scary Man From Yesterday – June 10, 2005
I forgot to mention — when I was walking to work yesterday there was this guy with long blond hair and a brown hooded cloak at Fort & Quadra, and he actually made me nervous. This is unusual, despite the number of questionable Victoria residents, because I am extremely willing to kick the shite out of anyone I can (aka “defend myself”) due to inappropriate anger management issues. I imagine myself like the princess on Shrek doing that crazy Matrix fighting stuff despite my petite size.

Anyhoo, anger management issues aside, this guy was creepy. He was mumbling really loudly, and I couldn’t tell if he was talking at me, or just aloud, or what, and then he followed about twenty feet behind me for a block.

It was full daylight, and I had my cellphone and emergency whistles (because they are so darn useful . . . ?!) and there were pedestrians and drivers and cyclists all around, so it wasn’t exactly a dangerous situation. But still, it was interesting to me that there was someone who could make me nervous like that. People aren’t scary, it’s the unmedicated craziness and drugs that I’m no match for.

Listening to TMWWIAIL
Regan brought Q & me the latest cd from in medias res, and so I took it home last night and listened while walking to work today. It’s not the first time I’ve heard them — I’ve heard another cd, and went to see them play, and have listened to stuff on their site. Every time, though, I get frustrated because I can’t hear what Andrew’s singing. I pointed this out when they played that night, and Ryan said that’s intentional (or at least not important enough to change). And even though they are brilliant and their music is pretty and smart, I’m just not a fan because I can’t hear what they’re saying.

I feel guilty about this, but it’s their own goddamn fault. I wonder how I’d feel if a boyfriend/friend/whatever didn’t like my writing, and I think I’d be okay with that except that I’d feel s/he didn’t really understand me, because the way I write is ME. And I can still be happy & supportive of them, just like those who love me can come to my plays and readings and just be there for me, and proud of me for doing what I love.

Of course, I’m a fan of Eminem and Ani DiFranco, so maybe in medias res is grateful that I’m not a true groupie.

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YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! – June 10, 2005 – 3:29 pm
I got a postcard from TMWWIAIL today! There’s a raccoon on the front.

Sad News: according to my new health regime*, I won’t be running around the block today.

Happy News: TMWWIAIL hasn’t forgotten about me!!! Yay!!

* I think I might be confusing this word with “regimen” but I don’t care. “Regime” sounds regal.

New Website Page
I’m making a page for those of you who are interested in writing (e.g. Jessie, Liv, Regan, Ryan . . .) with contest listings, publication contact info, etc. Jessie suggested that people send me their writing (anonymously?) so I can post it, and then the rest of you can post (anonymous?) comments/edits/critiques. I think this is genius, assuming any of you are BRAVE enough . . .

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Theatre With A Football Player – June 11, 2005 – 8 am
Despite some last minute panic at finding someone to accompany me to the two plays I had tickets to last night, I had a REALLY GOOD NIGHT.

I’d assumed that Liv would get off work at her usual time and then I could whisk her away to a night of theatre. But she had a late shift (even assuming she would have been that open to such last-minute plans — I really need to stop assuming things), and since Jessie has a standing Friday night date with Channell and Q was going to see John Raulston Saul (ew) with Rowan, I needed to branch out and invite someone New.

So I saw two plays last night with Shawn, my new friend from London, Ontario, and he is so smart and smiley that I had a great time. The first play was a stand-up performance about celebrity by a woman around our age, and then we went to the George & Dragon and drank cider/beer and Britt Small (the director and Momma of Atomic Vaudeville) and an actor I knew only as “Jesus” came in and they joined us. Jesus’s real name is Andrew. He let it slip that he’s merging his Jesus @ Christmas and Jesus @ Easter stand-up bits together for the Best in Showepisode later this month . . . YAY!

During this break, Andrew and Shawn tried to convince me that Adaptation had thematic unity & purpose (I watched Adaptation with Liv last year — remember Livy??? That was so fucked). What’s the word? Victor Shklovsky’s thingy about form=content? I can’t remember anything from school. Anyhoo. – Russian Formalism?????

And then we saw the second show, an “R”-rated version of Genesis, and that was pretty funny since Shawn studied themes of masculinity via his degree, and I’m an uber-feminist, and it felt like the play was neatly split into Man / Womancomponents.

And then we returned to the George & Dragon, and I LOVE talking to Shawn because he’s this bizarre combo of Sports-Lovin’/Playin’ Straight Man + English Grad Student, anti-“lol”/”lite”/”4lease” Smarty Pants. Unfortunately, my body betrayed me and I had to go home around 12am because I am so used to my early bedtimes.

IN SUMMATION: fun fun fun, brain-stimulating, being-around-a-straight-man-stimulating, interesting & thought-provoking night.

Plans For Today
It’s “Garagellenium” today, or something that means there are a lot of garage sales, so the Q and I are going GSing as soon as he’s awake and ready to barter.

And TONIGHT is Charlie Ross’s One Man Star Wars and Kent is going to be my date, along with Jessie & Justin. I am very very excited. I am also trying to track down last minute tickets to a sold-out performance so that Liv & Mike can come with us. I’m astonished at how many men I know who are Star Wars’ fans.

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Star Wars With 2 Couples & a 6’7″ Date – June 12, 2005 – 11 am
We went to Charlie Ross’s One Man Star Wars last night, and it was exactly as great as I’d expected. My guests for the evening included: Liv & Mike, Jessie & Justin, and Kent. The boyz are all Star Wars fiends, and I think Liv knew what was going on because she laughed so much, and Jessie had been treated to a rundown of the trilogy by Justin over dinner. It was groovy.

And then my lovely couple friends ran home, which was okay because they’re couples and lame that way sometimes, and Kent and I went to the Med Grill and drank sangria and ate good food. It’s so funny talking to him because he’s going through a lot of the “changes” that I’ve heard about from my other ‘mos, and so I get to hear about where he sees himself in the Larger Gay Picture. Kent’s a sweetie so he’s not into (yet?) the whole promiscuity thing, or “hook-ups,” and he still gets emotionally attached to the people he’s with. We talked about hetero vs. homo relationship rules, which are vastly different as far as I can tell. And he helped me feel not-too-shitty about the whole “I dated girls, then Heather, then men” phenomenon.

Also, Kent “came out” to his parents awhile back, and they were good parents about it. He also told his friends, and they were good friends. So I’m happy that his experience so far seems to have been positive.

& A Retraction From Yesterday
Q came over but he collapsed into my bed (hard to do with a loft bed) and slept all day from a sudden flu he’s caught.

And then Matte called with an invite for tea, so I kidnapped him and we walked Celeste on Dallas road and drank tea/coffee from this neat “drive thru ethnic food court” which is AMAZING and I must go back someday for lunch or dinner.

Matte’s dating a body-piercer these days, and she convinced him to pierce his eyebrow. I’ve seen lots of eyebrow piercings that are stupid, but Matte’s just looks sexy.

In Summation
A strange weekend of ex-boyfriends and friendly conversations about love & trying to figure everything out. I am infinitely pleased that I get to be friends with these beautiful (tall) men who know me so well – or at least did at one point. I like it that I can tell them about TMWWIAIL and they are happy for me, and we can discuss the importance of Not Settling and sometimes one of us will say something that we first heard from the other. Kent advised me over dinner that “the most important person in your life to love & take care of is you, because that’s the only person you’re sure to still have in your life at the end.” Ah, typical Selfish-Heather aphorisms. I’ve made a difference in the world.

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Drive-By Pickup – June 12, 2005 – 9:06 pm
A man named Chris parked on Fort Street to hit on me today.

Best line ever: “Aren’t you a playwrite?”

Speaking of Rabbits
Peter has managed to tunnel into a big plastic bag with hay. I usually just open the bag and give him some fresh stuff, but it’s more interesting this way. He feels more . . . predatory? Can bunnies be predatory?

Has anyone other than Divyesh ever witnessed Peter’s Attack Rabbit persona?

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Everything is Changing – June 13, 2005 – 7:26 pm
Spencer cut my hair today, and it is short & summery & I love it, but no picture yet.

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On Running – June 14, 2005
From gym teachers to psychiatrists, I’ve been told 1,000,000 times that I should run/jog because:
– it is healthy
– it will distract my body from my overactive, seratoninly-challenged brain
– everyone else is doing it.

But no one ever said: “Heather, you should take up running because you have anger management issues and running will channel your blind rage into something physically painful and ultimately cathartic.”

And, ironically, this is why I now like to run.

Also, I like to wear sweatpants.

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CSI Phrases o’ the Day – Tuesday, June 14, 2005 – 5:30 pm
“Suspicious circs”
“Stutter cuts”

My Tattoo

It’s Greek. Yep. Before I get it all permanent and such I have to get it spell-checked. I vote for no punctuation / capital “gamma” — it’s a never-ending concept of self-knowledge. Reflects Heather = self-involved, et cetera. AND it’s pretty and pretentious! IDEAL.

Potential locations = lower back or left forearm. Bottom of neck in back? I dunno.

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Sometimes Patience is a Good Thing – Thursday, June 16, 2005 – 4:14 pm
Despite feeling all brave yesterday, I decided to wait to spellcheck my tattoo before getting it scratched into my skin. And whaddyaknow, I conjugated incorrectly. Damn Greek.

So I’ve emailed an old prof of mine and hopefully she will give me a certifiably correct spellchecked version.

Also, Liv advised me on the Care & Maintenance of Tattoos over martinis & steaks yesterday evening, so I feel fairly prepared for the event.

But Why?
I overheard two of my coworkers discussing the reasons behind the chronic tattoing / body-piercing of my generation. I wanted to leap up and say something that would explain everything, but I couldn’t think of any good reason. Tattoos, for me, are like a very permanent charm bracelet. Souvenirs, self-expression, et cetera. But that’s not why I got my nose and belly pierced. My motivation at those times was to attempt to reclaim some of my control over myself (body & life) since I’d just ended relationships. Plus a little bit of masochism.

Spencer says that hair cuts/perms/colours are traumatic, and that’s why some people inexplicably cry when they get their hair cut. That’s why they always want the same style. But I LIKE the trauma of change – it’s an adrenalin rush. So I get my hair drastically cut/coloured whenever I’m bored or feel restless. And ditto for the piercings.

So maybe my generation is just:
– bored
– masochistic
– looking for adventure in a well-padded, regulated urban environment.

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Busy Days: A ReCap – Sunday, June 19, 2005 – 11 am
Assuming I can remember what I did, here’s a summary of the past days’ adventures:

FRIDAY: Busy busy busy day at work. Cabinet was appointed Thursday afternoon, which meant that we might get an entirely new “boss” (aka Minister), and ALSO since I work for PAB there is all kind of potential change with gov’t communications. So a lot of uncertainty and excitement. But all is well.

Also, my uber-pregnant sister and her man were in town, staying at French Beach, and so they visited with me & the Q. We went to the Keg and ate lobster & steak, and those of us who weren’t carrying a foetus in our uterus drank good drinks.

I’m still surprised at the inconsistent messages around Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Evy said her prenatal nurse person said it’s okay to drink sometimes; meanwhile, I perpetuate via work the message that no one knows when or how much alcohol is safe, so DON’T DRINK WHILE PREGNANT. Jared has put his daddy-foot down on this, though, so Evy will be liquor-free for another four months.

SATURDAY: In theory, Shawn & I went garage “sailing” / GSing for four or five hours, but we were afoot and had no target GSes in mind, so we just had a really great walk ‘n’ talk and stumbled onto three or four yard sales. It’s very surreal to spend time with a straight man. I had all these preconceptions: sports, beer, sex. And while Shawn does talk about these things, he puts this bizarre intellectual touch to it. And also, he uses really big words. Which makes me remember all the big words I once knew, and then I can try to use them in sentences, and that’s fun. He says we’re arch-nemises (in a nice way) because he’s a deconstructionist and I’m a . . . well, I’m not. I like to put things together, like jigsaw puzzles. And I love feminist theory and Canlit and he’s a masculinist and not a patriotic reader.

Anyhoo, that was a great morning/early afternoon, and Shawn got a lamp out of the deal and I bought Beautiful Losers by Leonard Cohen on Shawn’s recommendation. And it’s a book that I will actually read, not just smirk at and shelve.

(intermission: nap.)

And THEN Evy & Jared returned to town, so we grabbed Q and went downtown to see all the stores they wanted to see, and they found yellow gumboots for their son-in-utero. Then they left.

(intermission: nap.)

Q’s barbeque was A1. I lolled about on the hammock and drank faux vino, and Celeste even had a guest doggy to battle with. Our ‘mo friends are starting to develop friendships among themselves, so everyone was comfortable with each other, and they ate a SuperSpecialMarinatedPorkProduct that Michael brought. And then it was midnight and Celeste and I fell asleep, and the boyz went out.

(finale: sleep, and another day dawns.)

SUNDAY: So now I’m drinking tea and updating this. We have our regular brunch date at 1pm, and Spencer the Gay Mormon Hair Stylist is joining our party for the first time. I love Spencer. And that’s not just because I love my haircut.

Current Self-Induced Drama
The frustration with TMWWIAIL (aka my RockStar) is that he left at The Beginning, which is not a good time to leave. The stomach butterflies are just started to de-cocoon. And so I’ve spent not even a month with these goddamn half-formed butterflies squirming around in my gut, and they’re making me crazy.

And what if, true to established form, TMWWIAIL has some further long-distance commitment post-tour of which I am unaware, and so he’ll return to B.C. only to sleep for three days and then leaving for ANOTHER sans-Heather adventure???? This is very very unsatisfying.

The problem, of course, is that I am in love with TMWWIAIL, and therefore it’s not that easy to say Fuck It and kill the bastard butterflies and find another rockstar to stalk. It’s rare for me to find someone who causes butterflies, and I’m not inclined to squash the ones I have.

And, of course, this is all a self-induced drama. Maybe TMWWIAIL will return from his tour, sleep for three days, and then (true to ManForm) want to seek out a snuggle. Maybe he has his own taunting stomache insects. Maybe he’ll visit me for just long enough for us to move beyond The Beginning, and then I can return to a sane, liveable state. Maybe, true to stereotypical rock star lifestyle, he’ll have fucked a groupie in every province, and then I can direct that fury and cut the heartstrings and reclaim my self-sufficient, independent sans-man status.

Meanwhile, I will squirm.

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Desperate For An Adventure – Sunday, June 19, 2005 – 9:51 pm
Is it bad to eat pickles before bed? We’re about to find out!

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Sunny Monday – June 20, 2005 – 9:34 pm
Can’t write too much — watching Medium and it’s a goodie — but wanted to mention that I saw Rob (February – August? 2003) at Serious Coffee yesterday. I love seeing pretty men and thinking: “Done that.” We didn’t converse, but I hope he’s happy and loving the summer.

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My Perfect Man – June 21, 2005
Jessie & Q have figured out my Ideal Mate, based on history & et cetera:
– gay;
– emotionally unavailable;
– mentally ill;
– lives somewhere really far away — ideally the US or another continent;
– never ever answers my letters, emails, phone calls, or acknowledges my existence.

Couple of smart asses.

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WE ARE GROWING UP!!!! – June 22, 2005
EEK! Q made an offer on a townhouse/condo yesterday, and it was accepted last night. There are still iffy-things, like the inspection and whatnot, but Q actually sorta owns a home!!!!! Craziness.

Write-up:
This property is located at Fort & Richmond, in the neighbourhood of Fernwood in the district of Victoria. This Townhouse home offers 1 bedrooms and 1 baths and has a finished living area of approximately 674 sq. ft. It was built in 1999 and is situated on a lot of about 6148 sq. ft.

THERE HAS BEEN MUCH ATTENTION GIVEN TO THE DETAILS OF THIS 1 BDRM CHARACTER CONVERSION INCLUDING SOARING 9 FT CEILINGS, OPEN LIVING ROOM/ KITCHEN FLOOR PLAN, STAINED GLASS, GAS FIREPLACE, PATIO AND ALSO YOUR OWN SEPARATE ENTRY WAY. THIS WAS BUILT IN 1999 AND IS SITUATED IN A COMPLEX OF ONLY 4 OTHER UNITS. PARKING AND EXTRA STORAGE AS WELL. SUPERIOR LOCATION, CLOSE TO ALL AMENITIES AND BUS ROUTES.

When Harry Met Sally
I watched my new DVD yesterday, and it is a great movie. I remember seeing WHMS on a little tv in my pink bedroom at home in the white house in Invermere, back at age 13-17. And while the ’80’s-style clothes & hair are a cultural roadblock to character empathy, it’s still fun to partake.

There was a lovely, funny, “heartwarming” line about choosing a mate = choosing a melon (you just KNOW), and so I called Shawn to tell him how funny it was, but he was sleeping and I think I just confused the poor guy with my Drive-By-Phone-Call.

Drive-By Phone Calls
I learned these from Q. None of this “small-talk” nonsense allowed.

Sample conversation:
PHONE: ring ring ring
HEATHER: Hi.
QUINN: Ohmigod.
HEATHER: Whassup?
QUINN: CSI. Channel 30. Ants.
HEATHER: Ohmigod.
QUINN: Commercial’s over!
HEATHER: Bye!
PHONE: click

Surprisingly satisfying. Straightforward, to the point, sansbullshit niceties. Try it. Refreshing.

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Tattoo Options – June 22, 2005 – 4:33 pm
Option #1, with CAPITAL LETTERS (aka proper Greek):

Option #2, with small letters (I like the curviness):

In Other News
I am the saddest person in the world.

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All’s Well – June 23, 2005
Sorry about the mood swing. Goddamn fucking anti-summer is the problem. I get all excited about the sunshine and then BOOM it’s raining and the sky is cloudy and it’s the middle of December all over again. It’s making me nutso.

Also I am sad in love. But that’s too stupid to write about.

Tattoo Conclusions
I think a little bit of socially-acceptable self mutilation is the answer to all of this. Thank you for your votes — I concur, the small letters are far superior aesthetically. So it will be done. I’ll post pictures of my scarred skin when available.

Applications are currently being accepted for the Lucky Bastard who gets to smear polysporin on my shoulder daily.

And Also, Jessie Is A Superstar
Thank you for making me feel better, and not letting me feel stupid about:
1. being sad; and
2. drinking to cure it.

Thank you to my personal cheering section (Liv & the Q) too — I luvs ya. You’re good people.

The Family
My Momma & Dadders are coming to Victoria!!!!! YAYAY!! I have a sweet surprise adventure for them — Mom knows but Dad will (in Jared’s words) “pee his pants” with excitement. Also, Evy & Jared & their foetus are somewhere on the Island, and they might magically appear for a good meal sometime soon. All I need is Joey, and I’ll have my whole family crammed into my wee apartment! (Including you, Q.)

“Wee”
This is Shawn’s word. (Along with “dealy” which I strongly disapprove of.) It’s kinda pretty, don’t you think?

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Letters Shouldn’t Be Sad Things – June 23, 2005 – 5:26 pm
My RockStar doesn’t love me anymore.

This is a very terrible development.

However, I’m mid-rage-stage so I can still clean my home like I planned this afternoon.

Also, I feel strangely innoculated because my heart broke yesterday so it’s just another poke at a cut. It’s anti-climactic.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to kill someone. Anger is what fuels survival.

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Family Is Coming!!!! – June 24, 2005
Mom & Dad arrive today!!!! I’m going to pick them up at the airport. Very exciting. I’m wearing my “I *heart* Mom” shirt.

One of my tattoo ideas was to get a heart on my shoulder with “Dad” in script. I’ve never seen that before. But then I thought that might get a little awkward when I have someone to cuddle with . . . so it was a brief idea.

And About This Whole Love Thing
I am so tired of falling in love. Not that it happens very often, but I keep choosing the wrong ones to fall in love with, and then I get shat on. (ew.) Jessie suggested that it’s my Aries nature to love the hunt and get bored once I catch him, and while I DO love thinking of neato ways to be nice to a man I REALLY REALLY hate being the hunter. The wooer. The aggressive one. I’m just tired of it all. Especially since it’s the passive, self-involved, hesitant ones that actually need to be pursued, and therefore I end up with passive, self-involved, hesitant men. Again, ew.

Anyhoo, I have a ridiculously busy week or two ahead of me, with lots of parties and dancing and beautiful men (some of whom are even straight) and adventures to foreign lands (aka Seattle) and my family and my bunnies. Q’s 26th birthday is on Saturday, and that’s always fun to make him feel extra special.

Another Painful Thing
My teeth hurt like a crazy bitch. They got super-sensitive awhile ago, and so I bought Sensodine toothpaste and a soft-bristle toothbrush, and then yesterday it felt like my teeth were all pushing together and IT HURT A LOT. So I was motivated to make an appointment with my wisdom teeth specialist and I’m not even sad about getting the fuckers yanked out, because my teeth really hurt. The lady on the phone also said to gargle/swish with hot, salty water, and this works for a day or so.

Um
I think that’s everything.

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I’m Still Alive – June 26, 2005 – 11:05 am
And I had fun. I will be more specific at another time.

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Oh Gees, So Much Happens in 4 Days – Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I don’t even know where to start.

Family Highlights
– Visiting with my momma & dadders;
– Daddy’s breakdown, motivated by Sadie the Tarot Card Reader and assuaged by Q’s Tuesday crisis;
– smoked salmon, bought today in Sidney and recently eaten by me & the Q with crackers and cheddar;
– food food food;
– driving with dad in the passenger seat, so I could see his foot slam down everytime he wanted me to brake.

All in all, a lot of fun and bonding and belly-growing meals.

Peter & the Bunnies
Peter’s nails are too long but he’s happy, and even let me & the folks stay at his home last night.

The bunnies are shedding but otherwise chipper.

My Wisdom Teeth
No pain at this time, despite recent sensitivities. I missed my x-ray and consultation appointment because we drove up island on Monday, but my teeth don’t hurt at this time so I’m okay with that.

Politics & My Boyz
The gay marriage bill has almost entirely passed!!!!!!!!!! The House voted in favour (despite some bigoted fuckers) and now the Senate & Queen Adrienne have to nod, but my ‘mo’s are practically wedding-bound. This is a Huge Deal.

Future Adventures
Tomorrow is Atomic Vaudeville’s Best in Show and dinner & drinks with my favourite people & ALSO (although this is a secret) I have an appointment to get my tattoo. YAY!!!

Also, I won two tickets to a preview screening of some new movie — the director did Fubar, I believe — so I get to choose some special person to accompany me to Thursday’s show. I’m thinking Shawn, if he’s available, because I also want to show him the groovy “4/6-pack” beer tester special at Swans: you get to choose 4-6 different house brews and drink a wee bit o’ each to try them out. Very cool, especially for those odd people who like beer.

Currently
I’m watching CPAC’s coverage of the gay marriage vote and loving my ‘mo’s and trying to remember all the stuff I did this weekend. There was a ship, and cannons, and . . . I’ll mention anything that floats up in my memory as it emerges. For now, I’m happy that we don’t live in a (minority-driven) bigoted society, and that (wow, whodathunkit) Canadians are equal. Despite their bed partner. So there.

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Awake @ 2:07 am – Wednesday, June 29, 2005 – 2:08 am
Why am I awake???!

Things I Am Excited About Today
Atomic Vaudeville with some of my most favourite people sitting with me; my tattoo; the neato fact that Friday is Canada Day and therefore a holiday and so I only work 2 days this week; hopefully getting Shawn & Liv to meet, because they are both Englishy and would get along well and it’s good for Liv to know that not all men (except, of course, Boyfriend-Mike and her family members) suck; and probably more things too.

Peter
Not a sound; I can’t even see him. Usually he watches over me via the back of the couch, but I think he’s hibernating under it tonight.

Ways In Which I Channeled My Fury Re: TMWWIWIL Yesterday
Stuck gum and a big pointy rock over his initial in the heart on my sidewalk; sprinted around the block until I thought I was going to die; listened to Alicia Key’s “A Woman’s Worth,” which always makes me feel better when my heart is broken; drank some faux vino (until I realized that running was a healthier way to channel rage); thought “Fuck You, Fucker” a few times.

And yes, I’m a big believer in graciousness and going cold turkey, but also the “grieving process” (aka being pissing mad) is healthy to a point, especially if it motivates running & less alcohol consumption. And writing. Although I do think those two bits o’ writing will have to be replaced sometime this week. It’s an undeserved compliment to a Fucker to write about him.

(Related disclaimer: TMWWIWIL is not really a Fucker, he’s just young and a bit messed up and made the massive mistake of letting me think I should love him. This “Fucker” thing is only a phase. A HEALTHY, natural phase.)

(Warning to Others: it’s hard for Jaded Me to open up to love. Don’t mess with me, or I will write crappy prose poems about killing you when you inevitably break my heart.)

Oh, And Also
I really love my short hair. Thank you, Spencer. I haven’t brushed it in weeks, and it’s the best thing ever.

AND I completely forgot to mention Seattle. Jessie & I went over Saturday for the night, and it’s an alright city, for an American city. Sort of Vancouver-like. I appreciate how they name their yellow taxis “Yellow Cabs” and their orange taxis “Orange Cabs.” Wandering around the downtown shopping thing was okay and Vancouverish, but I felt oddly at home in the gay district. I think it’d be a cool place to raise kids. (I’m such a fag hag.) Maybe I just like the primary colours???

Anyhoo, we were the Token Straight Women Guests at a ‘mo pool party and there we were, surrounded by topless sexy men, being plied with cheap booze from the local grocery store, legs in the hot tub and shortshort skirts with no straight boys in sight. I loved it. My new ‘mos are: Alberto, Travis, Dave?, Dave?, John (the host), and another guy who made out with an inflatable seal for our amusement. This weekend (Canada Day weekend) is Victoria Pride; Vancouver Pride is the last weekend in July. Fun fun fun!

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Tattoo + Alcohol = Death – Thursday, June 30, 2005
I swear that I drank no more than I usually do last night. Sure, Atomic Vaudeville nights are nights of drunken revellry and late hours, but I’ve done it for months and I’m fine.

UNTIL today! And so I think it’s the tattoo, and the trauma & adrenalin of being tattooed. Because I feel like death. Queasy, vomiting, exhausted death. I puked TWICE this morning — once at home and once at work. It’s so awful that I was tempted to go home sick, but that would mean (due to alcohol being involved) that I’m an alcoholic so I held on.

Meanwhile
I have learned from this experience.

I have learned to never ever eat beef jerky (even a small piece) on an empty, hungover stomache. It’s just not a good idea.

Also, I love my tattoo. It doesn’t hurt, and it looks so pretty.

Atomic Vaudeville Recap 
Well, it was great, of course. Except that Shawn went AWOL and since he’s not the AWOL sort (I don’t think) I suspect he’s in the hospital or lying in a ditch somewhere. Hopefully not. I haven’t seen him for more than a week, and I’m worried about his disappearance.

Also, Mike & Rod Peter Jr. resurrected their The One Man The Matrix, and then for an encore they did The One Man Spiderman, and I got to be a Guest Star as Spidey’s girlfriend, which was really just a way for Rod to smooch me upside down. First time I’ve ever kissed someone I wasn’t in love/lust with, and on a stage in front of people & a camera, no less.

May 2005

Fake Boobs – May 1, 2005 – 12:31am
Q and I ended up going to Moxie’s with a bunch of people I hadn’t met before. There were some VERY young girls there — 18 year olds — and at least two of them had breast implants. I AM SHOCKED.

I mean, they were certainly something to stare at — along with fake ‘n’ bake tans & faux french manicured nails these girls were the closest thing to real-life Barbies I’ve ever seen. But 18????? I didn’t even think that was legal.

Regardless, it was fun and weird and new. One girl with spectacular (and rumoured to be natural) breasts had phenomenal cleavage, and she was also (drunk but) friendly.

I was also going to comment on how the moxitini and double-bellini & a Crispy Crunch shot I drank had little to no alcohol content, but considering how weird the company was I might actually have been drunk.

Strawfree & Loving It
I cleared the rest of the straw today from Seamus & Caramel’s porch haven. YAY! It’s been haunting me, but now I can sleep again. Caramel, of course, supervised the entire process, and once I had swept and washed the porch she pissed right in the middle of it.

And Peter
I cut his nails today but he does this weird hyperventilating thing and it triggers unpleasant flashbacks to Molly dying of shock after her operation (moment of grief . . . )

so I only did his front paws. I’ll have to corner him again to get the back ones clipped, but first I’ll have to regain his trust.

One Last Thing Before Bedtiime
I miss my RockStar & I want him back in Canada. Preferably here, in my apartment.

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Bunnies on TV! – May 1, 2005 – 8:57am
I’ve been avoiding the Comedy Network so as not to have awkward run-ins with my ex-stalkee Levi MacDougall. However, I think I’ve satisfied the mandatory Avoid Common Spaces rule for breakups, so I’m watching channel 41 again and loving it.

Wisdom Teeth Update
My top teeth have withdrawn back into the gums so there’s no sign of them at this time. My bottom teeth, on the other hand, have undergone great change. On the left, I keep feeling a kind of pressure under the gum and I’m concerned that there might be an impending Situation. The top of the tooth is lovely and sharp — I feel like a shark. On the right, things are going fine, with a similarly pointy tip. I have a referral for a dental x-ray, but my innate Let Nature Be tendencies don’t like the idea of an x-ray. So I’ll just wait until it hurts. Yes, that’s definitely more civilised.

Sticks & Avoiding Them
Normal homes don’t have chewed up, pointy sticks protruding from under couches, chairs, and beds. I’m fairly sure of this.

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My Future – May 2, 2005
Sadie the Tarot Card Reader told me some neato stuff yesterday. The weird part was that she uses the same deck that I do, so I had my own interpretation of the cards. Whenever I try to read my own cards (which you aren’t supposed to do) I get the same ones, and they’re always the crappy “Hard Work” cards. I’ve always thought that the deck was telling me to fuck off. BUT I got the same cards with Sadie, and she interpreted them as “Creative Potential” and “Trying to find an outlet for your message” which I like infinitely better.

Also, I pulled The Tower which means Sudden Lightning-Bolt Traumatic Incident and I was VERY interested to see how she’d spin it. Apparently the foundations that I’ve laid thus far will come apart and my life will be entirely different from what I’ve already established. That’s not so scary.

I Am Not Obsessing
Exactly how long does it take to go to California, see a concert, arrive back home, and take a ferry to Victoria?

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Writing to Ryan – May 2, 2005
Come home!!!!!

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Tent Caterpillars! EW! – May 3, 2005
I’ve never considered tent caterpillars significant, but while walking this morning I noticed clumpy shit-like gobs in the tree branches and finally I realised that these gobs were not in fact shit, but rather cobwebby nests covered in furry caterpillars. EW.

So I tried to avoid walking under the branches, since caterpillars might fall on me, but that’s very difficult to do in Uber-Green Victoria. I battled a panic-attack, and survived. Again, ew.

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Coxswain AND Rowing SuperStar – May 4, 2005
One of our rowers didn’t show up yesterday so I was Bow Seat #3 and I got to row for the first time ever. Aside from being certain that the oar would knock me into the disgusting sewage waters of the Gorge Waterway, I had a great time. (And I was never knocked into the disgusting Gorge sewage water.) I’m getting all sunshiny from our practices, and I feel pseudo athletic, plus I’ve been jogging a fair bit — I’m strangely healthy these days.

As for the Running
I always thought it was a consipiracy among masochists, the whole “Running Feels Good” thing, but I’m starting to like it. Maybe this is because I get a chance to listen to my Eminem CDs without any distractions, which then lets me notice more smart subtleties in the songs . . .

Being a Writer & Zen
You can be a writer/artist without ever writing/creating anything. My (expensive) years in UVic’s writing program were about BEING a writer as much as WRITING. I mean, listening & watching & being still & ruminating & asking & taking notes & trying to explain what you see to other people. It’s about being present, and noticing how amazing it is that EVERY SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS LOOKS A LOT LIKE EVERY OTHER BLADE OF GRASS — CRAZY COINCIDENCE????? “Wonder” kinda describes it.

And then, during and after five years of being taught to be A Writer (aka Live in the Present), my counselors & doctors kept suggesting that I learn meditation, yoga, study Buddhism, read up on the power of Breathing . . . which is the same thing. Sort of. Except that my Writer Version Of Being doesn’t involve religion or spirituality, except in the whole Wonder At the World sense.

This is just another example of me inventing something that’s already been patented. Like iPods. Like bars. Like themed Monopoly. Goddamn.

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I’m Mentioning My Sister – May 4, 2005 – 5:54pm
AND SHE’S HAVING A BABY!!! And it’s a boy. They’re going to name him Jared Robert Babich.

I was just the usual proud, stunned, et cetera until I saw the ultrasound picture today, and The Thing inside my sister’s gut actually looks like a human being. It was the creepiest thing ever. Like a Real Life Sci-Fi Alien Beast. Also, he’s beautiful. Evy & Jared will be amazing parents, partly because they have a really healthy sense of humour, but also because there’s so much freaking love in our family.

Bureaucracy
Usually I’m immune to its effects, since we work independently of the ministry, but today we had training that was Uber-Governmental and I’ve had to accept that I hate bureaucracy. I hate the stupidy, the “I’m following the ass in front of my face” mentality . . . and I’m REALLY grateful that my normal work environment manages to avoid that . . . aroma . . . and also that I am NOT a government-lifer. One day, free from the bonds of student debt, I will fly free and be a starving writer, like I’m meant to be.

And the Need For Escape
Aries nature, perhaps. Or it’s spring and I have no one to cuddle with in bed. Whatever, I’m restless and need to have an adventure ASAP. Jessie and I are planning a spontaneous runaway up island. (This epitomizes the terrible beauty of being a young adult, sans responsibilities, but with responsibilities: planned spontaneity. How sad.) The running thing has been a pleasant escape from the static boredom of rainy winter, but now I need a REAL escape. Something involving mad driving on an empty highway, loud girly music, no showers except for frigid water skinny-dips, and meals of smoked salmon in newspaper. No crackers. You know, back to nature. Bestial and such.

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Oops – May 5 2005 – 8:37pm
I laid down for a little nappy nap after work today, and my alarm didn’t work (aka didn’t wake me up), and I ALMOST missed my rowing practice. I ended up Victoria Taxi-ing it down to the gorge, and luckily our team captain Rueben was looking out for me on the dock because our whole team was practically in the boat and ready to go. I felt like a total gomer. And then, everything was going well — I was yelling the right things — but then we smashed oars with another boat. Personally, I accept only 50 per cent of the blame for this, due to our coach who was directing us at the time.

Regardless of all incidences, it was SO MUCH FUN and everyone did well. I’m still learning how to properly project my voice in the boat, and I had a lot of trouble relearning port/starboard after having the terms reversed when I was rowing last Tuesday. It was blue sky and sunshine, and dinner tasted extra great, and now I’m watching New Waterford Girl on CBC. I love this movie.

Future Plans
Liv called and asked me on a girly date, so I’m meeting her at 4 tomorrow and we will eat sushi and/or drink martinis and/or browse for books, et cetera. Also, Q is having a party Saturday, which is really just an excuse for us all to forget about work because I’ve started dreaming about newspapers, and it’s been a tough week for Jessie’s clients, and we ALL need a vacation ASAP. Sunday is Momma’s day, so I will send my momma love all day, on the hour.

And About This Whole Love Thing
It’s summertime now, and I don’t know if my Sexy Crazy RockStar ArtistMan will even let me know when he’s back in Canada, so I’m just going to run around the block a lot, and drink cider, and row row row my boat, and work, and bond with Q & Jessie & Liv, and compile a package o’ love for Momma Evy, and love my rabbits, and write my next Brilliant Play/novel/story/what-have-you.

And if a Smart & Sexy Richmond RockStar happens to appear on my porch one day, that’d be really nice.

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Writing to Ryan – May 5, 2005
I want to go on a picnic.

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RESTLESSNESS – Friday, May 6, 2005 – 8:41pm
AAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Liv is Super Dooper
I was exhausted after work. Early hours all week + two rowing practices + later nights + sunshine warm weather = me practically asleep at 2:35pm. Liv was sympathetic and let me cancel our girly date plans. Instead of sushi and books, I bought some pjs and slept for 3 hours on Q’s couch. Then Q came home and we took Celeste for a walk on Dallas Road, where she flirted relentlessly with a number of small doggies. Then we bought old pepperoni pizza from Village’s and ate it and now Q is napping and I AM RESTLESS, waiting to go see some dick-flick at 10pm.

I NEED AN ADVENTURE
My dreams are getting weirder and more work-focussed and more difficult to distinguish from real life. This is sketchy. I need a break.

Possible adventures include:

  • running away up island with whomever has a car and/or the will to travel with me;
  • falling madly in love with some random (but worthy) man who lives in Victoria and therefore is around to entertain me;
  • writing the Great Canadian Novel;
  • adopting a new neurosis or psychological disorder, which has always provided amusement in the past;
  • moving;
  • having a baby (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha);
  • learning something new, like Greek or performance poetry. I’d like to know how to make my own T-shirts — not the shirts themselves, just the designs. Silk-screening, whatever.

Ugh.

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Hungover on Mother’s Day – Sunday, May 8, 2005
I had fun last night. Q made Newcomb Caesar Salad and I made spaghetti, roasted garlic bulbs, cut up french bread . . . Lance & Spencer came over for dinner, and they each brought a bottle of wine. Being petite, I didn’t last as long as the boys. Q tried to wake me up on the couch and apparently I said something about how the teachers were trying to kill us.

Anyhoo, it’s a rainy morning now and I’m well-rested (if fragile).

Best Purchase EVER
Yesterday I found these crazy Christmas lights with each bulb surrounded by a fake flower. I bought three strands: 2 maroon rose strands and one sunflower strand. One of the rose sets is now above my kitchen sink, and it looks so pretty. I’m contemplating where to put the others. Rabbit-accessibility is a concern, due to Peter’s affection for electrical cords. If there had been more than three I would have covered my whole house. Also, you can use them outside too. PRETTY.

And Now, Politely Waiting For Q to Wake Up
I want to go home and make a pot of tea. I’ve inadvertantly spent both weekend nights here at Q’s, and that always leaves me feeling displaced. I need Heather-scale surroundings! I need my tea cosy and favourite nammies! I need Peter to be under my bed! It’s raining and I don’t have proper rain clothes . . . I might have to risk it.

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Mallrats on VHS – Sunday, May 8, 2005 – 5pm
Sometimes I’m in the mood to watch Kevin Smith, and sometimes I’m not. The acting, dialogue, and premise are alternately painful and brilliant.

I briefly considered falling love with Jason Lee, a Kevin Smith constant and (ex?) pro-skateboarder. (I already have his autograph, thanks to Q & Rachel who caught him on the ferry one day.) But I’m tired of the whole love/stalking thing . . . I’d really like an actual, living man to adore me. That’d be a pleasant change.

Side Effects May Include
I still feel icky from last night. Once home, I slept and half-watched my movie, ate some pesto fettuccini, swiss cheese & pickles, showered, changed into clean pjs . . . I drank a pot of tea, well aware of the risk: either the caffeine would decimate my headache or make it worse. My hands are shaky and sweaty, and I feel extremely unsexy as a result. Goddamn drinking.

Bunny Loving
And Peter’s ignoring me. Here it is, Mother’s Day, and I’m getting nothing from the three living creatures that I feed, water, and love. Ungrateful rodents. I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been very friendly since his pedicure, and I’m a little worried that he’s hiding some sort of wound or trauma. Bunnies do that — they feign health so they don’t get picked off by the wolves. It makes it very difficult to be a Bunny Mom.

Not My Wittiest Day
Blah. How come I’ve finally got this whole work-money-writing-independence-friends thing together, and now I just feel gross & want to run away? I remember being so excited, back in the age-thirteen-highschool years, about being a grown up and writing, and having my own income, and surrounding myself with things that I think are AMAZING & BEAUTIFUL and now I’m here. It’s the strangest thing. Time just keeps on trucking. But I don’t know what I want now, since I have most of the things I’m SUPPOSED to want, and most of the things that I can control. Sadie the Psychic pulled The Tower during my tarot reading (actually, I pulled it) and I’m starting to crave the lightning, foundation-shaking trauma that it portends. GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW.

(Knock on wood, as I really don’t want to be unemployed and struggling with student loan debt again . . .)

GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW BUT NOT FINANCIALLY TROUBLING.

Maybe I need to take a class or something.

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Motherly Wisdom on Mother’s Day – May 8, 2005 – 8:36pm
Mom solved my headache with some EXCELLENT motherly advice: drink another cider.

All better! Yay!!!!!

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Writing to Ryan – May 8, 2005
I’m making this more complicated than it has to be — silly Twit that I am — so just get on that fucking ferry and come visit. I will not seduce you. I want to know why I am in love with you when we’ve never had a proper conversation. I want to know if I can keep loving you, or if I should move on to Ben the Neighbour or whomever happens to fall in love with me next. I HATE feeling un-special, and I won’t be able to tolerate this much longer! Gees.

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Bunny Loving: Caught in the Act – May 9, 2005
I checked on Seamus & Caramel this morning, and they were on the outside couch, with Seamus straddling Caramel in his “C’mon, let’s have sex, honey bunny” style. He was licking the top of her head (aka grooming) and her eyes were closed. I knew that eventually Seamus would try to take things “to the next level” so I stopped watching (out of respect for their privacy). Bunny foreplay. It’s a beautiful thing.

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Meanwhile, Peter Just Keeps on Eating – May 9, 2005
And yet, he doesn’t get any fatter. I think he’s losing weight. Or it’s just his winter coat coming off.

Running Without Eminem
I went for a run today but all my Eminem CDs are at Q’s so I had to find an alternate fast-paced soundtrack. I chose The Offspring’s Conspiracy of One and the pace was so goofy that I got a vicious running cramp halfway through my route. Stupid punk. I miss my Eminem. Kinda funny moment of irony, though: The Offspring shout out “you can do it!” while Eminem talks about “bitches.”

And a Bitch About Doctors
I’m almost out of my prescription Happy Pills so I called the drug store today to see if they could refill it without me having to go in & see my doctor. They said no. So I called the doctor’s office, to see if they could renew the prescription without me being there. No. SO I waited for an hour to talk to my doc for a few seconds, tell him about the new running-around-the-block exercise phenomenon, confirm that I’m still not crazy (when medicated), and get a refill on my prescription.

AND THEN there was a line-up at London Drugs so I had to wait to drop off my prescription. Despite the new aisles of summer accessories, I refused to wait for it to be filled. I’ll stop in some day this week. Anyhoo, the point is: WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME. My doctor’s intentions are good: he wants to keep me on a tight leash with my prescription so he can check up on me and remember who the hell I am. But it’s a good hour-point-five of my day that I wasted inside, NOT napping or eating or snuggling with bunnies. Once every three months I endure this test of my (im)patience.

Other News, re: Babies + Prozac
I asked about taking meds when pregnant (because EVENTUALLY I plan to get knocked up — just not in the next few years). And my doc said it’s perfectly doable, with proper dosages et cetera. This is a HUGE relief, because even though I’d rather not risk my babies’ health with drugs, I doubt that I’ll ever be able to not be crazy without meds. Regardless of what happens re: my future mental health, at least I don’t have to worry about a med-free pregnancy, if it’s an issue.

And Speaking of Babies
Today I bought:
– maternity clothes*
– condoms**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

*for Evy, NOT me. Let’s be clear.
**and Q, no snide comments re: my sad lack of sexual prospects. I can already hear you giggling . . . dink.

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Inevitable Adventure – May 10, 2005
May 20: SWING DANCING!!!! It’s only a matter of time before I get all famous as a swinger. Or something.

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That ’70’s Show – Tuesday, May 10, 2005 – 9pm
When did Donna become blond? When did laugh tracks get so obnoxious?

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Unwelcome Mantras – May 11, 2005
These are the things that I say without thinking:
“I am the saddest person is the world.” (This one is easy to argue, since obviously I’m not. There are hungry, unsatisfied, terminal orphans out there with unsanitary drinking water and violence all around.)

“I’m a bad person.” (This one is also not true, since I’m actually a good person. I even give to charities, for chrissake.)

I’ve tried a lot of different ways to make these stupid thoughts go away. Prozac works very very well, generally. Lately, the running keeps my brain empty because I’m so focused on how much my legs hurt, and/or the metaphysical riddles posed by Eminem’s newest rhymes. Short term, I’ve tried sleeping, drinking, having a bath (the worst — just makes the mantras echo), dancing, snuggling with Peter, hiding in my apt, not opening mail, . . . Lately I’ve tried arguing with the thoughts. “I’m not really a sad or bad person, it’s this goddamn seratonin and my brain is making me think things that aren’t true. So there.”

I don’t know if this is a related symptom, but I keep noticing that I’m talking to myself. At first, I just addressed the bunnies, because then it wasn’t TOO weird, but when the bunnies are tunnelling at home and I’m on Yates Street it’s not really an acceptable excuse. Whatever. Sometimes you have to be loud to shout down the static.

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An Alternate Passion – May 11, 2005
The UNO Theatre Fest! I’m getting tickets . . . book your Time With Heather NOW to get a free theatre show!

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Waiting for Q to Drink a Beer so We Can Go Walk Celeste On Dallas Road in the Sunshine – Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Today has been a good Mail Day. I sent off a parcel for Evy, and I received two thingies in the mail: a cd with pictures of my future nephew, and a horoscope book for those born in the Year of the Monkey (aka me). (I also got something from the states that I ordered, but I want to mess with Q before I reveal what it is. Hee hee. I bought two, but I’m only giving Ryan the RockStar his if he shows up in Victoria to visit me. I’m tricky that way.)

Knocking on Wood
I’ve noticed that when I say I’m going to do something in the future, I inevitably end up not doing it. For example: sushi with Liv last week, but I was too tired so I had a nap instead. Or drinking faux vino in the sunshine because I was done work early — actually, I slept from noon to now.

You know, it seems that SLEEPING is messing with my plans. Hmm. But it feels SO GOOD!!!!!! At least I’m not a crack whore.

There’s Lettuce on my Porch
Kim the Bunnies’ Fairy God Mother planted it and is making it grow. I feel pseudo-enviro, with healthy plants outside my windows.

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Once Again, Jinxed By Stated Intention – Thursday, May 12, 2005
I knew it would happen. Q fell asleep and we never went on our doggy walk. Again, sleep as the destructive force. THIS time, though, I managed to stay awake and contemplate the direction of my Next Masterpiece Play.

My Next Masterpiece Play
In third year UVic I had to meet a deadline and write a short story but I’d been reading a LOT of Kerouac and feminist theory and that was all I could think about. Oh, and running away from all the stressful factors in my life and living by a lake.

So I sat down to write this goddamn story that was due the next day and suddenly there was this this diarhea of words — I ended up writing “(Title Goes Here)” which is now my most favourite bit o’ self-writing ever. I want to make this story into a play, because I love it and it deserves to be seen. But it’s a single-person narrative which doesn’t necessarily translate too well onto stage. Monologues get dull, you see. So I’m trying to figure out how to mix it up, with more characters/dialogue, more movement. More special effects. It’s all about the special effects.

Currently my working title is “On the Rag” which I think is fucking hilarious, but sometimes it sounds cheesey and I think I might have to change it. (“On the Rag.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!)

In Other News
I DO NOT want to jinx a certain visit from a certain MWWIAIL this weekend. So I will not mention it.

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Generation X – Thursday, May 12, 2005 – 8:15pm
I bought two copies of Douglas Coupland’s defining piece o’ writing. I’ve been buying everything in twos, it seems, lately, because I keep finding things that I want my muse/mentor/protege/MWWIAIL to experience alongside me. Also, I bought two copies of How to Heal the Hurt by Hating because I leant my only copy to Liv’s roomie Jen (or Jean?) four years ago and never got it back. Best break-up book ever. So I bought one for me, to keep, and one to lend. The only part of it I don’t like is that The Other Girl in the book is named Heather and that is very confusing.

Row Row Row Your Boat
Practice was really fun today. Coach Fraser kept saying that he would leave the commands to me, and then he’d say them. Silly Fraser. Also, I got all giggly when I had to yell “hard!” for ten strokes. (Hee hee. Try it.)

ALSO, someone (I think it was Andrew) yelled “Heather!” from the bank today — he was wearing a bike helmet so I’m pretty sure it was Andrew. He’s a biker guy. Everyone thought I was pretty cool for having someone recognise me while on the water.

Schmew Shmew
Okay, hoping not to jinx things: I have a date with Liv tomorrow. YAY! Hopefully sushi. The best part of having a whole bunch of different groups of friends is that everyone loves sushi, and if I stagger our dates I can eat sushi multiple times each week.

Also, I am very pleased (although scared shitless) that TMWWIAIL is coming to visit me this weekend. How exactly do I make someone bond with me and love me and like me???? Is there an established strategy for this kind of situation? I was so focused on getting TMWWIAIL to visit me that I never actually considered what the hell I’m supposed to do to entertain him.

Strategy thus far: I’m going to make pie. (This might be unfair, considering the quality of pie that I make, but I’m going with my strengths here. Alternate/additional suggestions are always welcome.)

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Writing to Ryan – May 12, 2005
happy happy happy happy happy!

I am so very glad that you are coming to visit me. I should be too grown up and mature to be so affected by the attention of a man, but pshaw I’m excited and smily nonetheless. YAY!

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Consuming Via VISA – Friday, May 13, 2005 – 9:13pm
Liv and I successfully managed to have our date!!! YAY!! We went shopping and had steak dinners and drank martinis — Liv LOVES her S&Ms. Then SuperQ drove us to a family home in Saanichton and I bought a new bedframe. It’s a “loft bed” which means that it’s a bunkbed with only a top part. And it’s made of metal, so Peter won’t eat it, and it’s a double, with is the ideal size for my home. Coworker Duncan pointed out the difficulty that the ladder might pose, when drunk or lusty, but I have an extremely comfy couch so that’s not an issue. Also, I get room for a FORT, so that makes up for any potential inconvenience. What other 25 year old do you know who has a fort????

Anyhoo, it’s a big IKEA frame so we left the family alone to bond and disassemble. Hopefully I can draft a large-car owner to help me pick it up sometime this week. YAY! No more milk crates! I’m a grown up!!!!! With a fort!!!

Also
I’m so sleepy. And it’s not just the cosmos. Peter woke me up at 5am with bunny Ninja kicks and loving, et cetera. I can’t resist a friendly bunny. Also, he’s been growling sometimes, which is his way of wanting to play Monster (our game where I flick his tail and he attacks me). So I feel very attended-to lately. My plan for the next hour = shower + nammies + BED.

Tomorrow
I am making pie. For TMWWIAIL. And for me. And if we can’t eat it all, then I might maybe share with Jessie & Justin & Q & Liv & co. But TMWWIAIL is a young’un, and I won’t be surprised if we manage to eat two whole pies between us this weekend. Also, I make great pie. I could probably eat both pies myself. But then my belly would grow, and I’d have to wear maternity clothes. Which wouldn’t be too bad — like bonding long distance with Evy — but really, that’s foolish. Homer Simpson in a mumu, et cetera.

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Heather In Love – May 16, 2005
I was very busy this weekend so no present-tense updates. Here’s a rundown:

Friday: bonded with Liv.

Saturday: Cleaned my dump of a Bunny House. I learned that if I scrub with a scrubby rather than a sponge, my bath tub changes colour!!! Also, Peter’s been living the good life under my bed, what with all his dust bunny friends, but I massacred the mofos and he spent the rest of the day mourning. THEN I got all pissy because my RockStar was late (he missed his ferry – goddamn ferries) so I went for a doggy walk with Q, Celeste, and Lelande and drank Growers to Go. THEN we had dinner @ Ming’s, and my RockStar showed up, and all was good thereafter.

Saturday Night & Sunday until 2: None of your goddamn business. I mean, gees, Love is a personal thing and certainly not appropriate for this kind of public forum. But I had fun and I am very much most certainly in love.

Sunday after 2: went for brunch at Pag’s and crossed paths with Matte so I grabbed him and made him come eat with Q & Lance & Chris & me.

Moment of Surreal Coincidence That Seemed Kinda Normal Since I’d Already Had Such a Surreal Weekend
So there I am at Pag’s, with Q and Matte on either side, and there’s Kent paying his bill at a table!! So weird. He was all sunny and I am once again proud of my transformative powers. We intend to have tea this week. I love my boys. They should start a union.

Back to Sunday After 2
And THEN Q and I picked up my new bed from a lovely family in Saanichton and eventually I started assembling it, and I am a fricking SuperHero because I was lifting/holding/assembling these huge & heavy pieces of steel all by myself. Then Q came over and helped me do the tall bits, and we ate leftover Ming’s, and then he left and I spent my first night in my AWESOME FORTRESS-LIKE SECRET HIDEAWAY loft bed.

Peter’s Feelings About the Situation
Peter is very confused. He keeps skittering around, trying to find his old burrow (aka under my bed).

Oh and Also
I am in love.

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Living With a Puzzled House Rabbit – May 16, 2005 – 8:09pm
I feel guilty. Poor Alpha Bun. He’s completely lost in the apt — as if his burrow just went away for awhile and will eventually reappear if he tunnels enough. Open spaces aren’t his favourite, and his usual route from porch to kitchen is without cover and he doesn’t know what to do other than sit in the middle of my floor (where the burrow used to be) and wiggle his nose at me.

New Bastion of Creativity
My fort-area under my new bed is high enough for me to stand without ducking. My desk (w/computer) and other shite fit into this space nicely, and with the neon green curtain I bought today I feel all secluded and intense. A great space for writing and et cetera. All I need are some more of those flower lights.

& a Thank You to My Tolerant Friends & Family
They’ve endured my bitching and occassional bitterness and fury and frustration and grief @ there being no men/man for me on this goddamn island. And now they’re ridiculously patient with my Squishy In Love Giddiness and Coy Hickiness and they haven’t yet told me to shut the fuck up about how great TMWWIAIL is and how he’s exactly right for me and how sexy he is and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . .

So thank you to Liv and Q and Jessie and my family. You’re all so patient, and I appreciate it.

Evy “Momma” Walker
Evy just called — she got her parcel o’ maternity clothes today and she likes them! I’m so glad. I was tricky and sent her a yellow shirt so I’d be there in spirit. Also, she looks great in yellow.

Speaking of Family
Q is ever supportive of me but he’s also family so he mocks me and he sent me this link to a video that celebrates gay boyfriends. It’s fricking hilarious.

Also, let me say that I’m pretty sure TMWWIAIL isn’t gay: he cuts his own hair and his boot has a hole in the toe. Hopefully my gaydar has improved to the point where I will avoid any future . . . incidents . . . although I do love my (small) collection of gay ex-boyfriends, and I support any more of them coming out. (Anyone? Anyone?)

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Writing to Ryan – May 16, 2005

List Of Crazy Coincidental Similarities:
Kevin Smith, Jason Lee, Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker’s Guide, Kerouac & co., eyebrows, bleached hair, April birthdays, Grower’s raspberry, anti-cynicism / naive openheartedness, Johnny Depp, cold sweaty feet, issues re: craziness, hot water, Snugglies for babies, love for beautiful people, and undoubtedly more as yet undiscovered.

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And Whatever You Do Today – May 17, 2005
Don’t forget to VOTE!

Even if you don’t have a fucking clue, just show up @ where you’re supposed to go and make a pretty drawing on your ballot. At LEAST you’ve shown that you MIGHT vote if you had a fucking clue. That counts for something.

This includes voting for your MLA, AND voting yes or no in the referendum on electoral reform.

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This Website is Non-Partisan, But SERIOUSLY – May 17, 2005 – 9pm

“We ran a non-partisan campaign.”
– Jenny Sims, BC Teachers’ Federation

Adventures on the Gorge Waterway
It was raining for a bit during rowing practice and my rain hat blew off into the sewage waters of the Gorge. EW.

Also, Coach Fraser gave me a megaphone today (’50’s cheerleader style) and I COMPLETELY ABUSED my power as coxswain.

And Now
Back to watching the election results . . .

 

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In Other News – May 18, 2005
I am looking forward to: winning the lottery on Friday (my office bought tickets); having a nap; tonight’s final episode of America’s Next Top Model (I have no idea why I watch this — it’s the only reality show I still watch after my UVic-era Survivor/Big Brother/Amazing Race/The Mole binge); a possible quality visit with TMWWIAIL this weekend (which I will not talk about too much, because I don’t want to get all excited and then not have it work out and then have 2/3 months of long-distance separation in which to agonize); and working in gov’t post-election.

Just when my workday becomes a routine, everything changes. While my plan is still to stop this gov’t madness once the student loan has been slayed, I’m nonetheless excited about the next four years, if it takes that long for me to move on. Oh, the drama of an Official Opposition . . .

Speaking of Priorities
I celebrated the election (I LOVE DEMOCRACY) with a crappy-for-me A&W mozza burger combo for lunch today. I briefly considered buying a healthy deli sandwich instead, but what the hell, curves are sexy and I really really like mozza burgers.

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Weird Moment of Happiness – May 18, 2005 – 8:35pm
My two favourite girlies are the finalists on America’s Next Top Model. I know, there are other things to be happy about (more ethical, world-peace-type things) but I’m still pleased.

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Sleepy sleepy – May 19, 2005
I’ve been staying up too late these days, and now it’s Thursday and I’m so tired. I hope I get to have a nap before rowing — AND tonight is the 2-hour season finale of CSI so I MUST stay awake to watch that.

tv — ew
I really don’t watch a lot of tv. I hate tv — it’s the devil. And now, with America’s Next Top Model over, and the CSI season finale, I will no longer be tempted to waste my time. Until September.

May Long Weekend!!!!!!!
YAYAYAYY! Not only do I get a three day holiday, I also am very excited about all the parties we have planned. Ben’s moving bash is on the 21st, and Spencer’s birthday is the 22nd, and in medias res plays the night of the 22nd, and TMWWIAIL will (hopefully) stay with me that night too.

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Drinking the Gorge – May 20, 2005
Most disgusting experience EVER EVER. We were trying a new rowing thingy, and I got splashed with so much water that I was SOAKED and also some of it got into my mouth. I’ve tasted Gorge water. ICKY GROSS EW.

New thing learned: Gorge water = sewage, gasoline, seagull piss, garbage, Georgia Strait ocean water = tastes really really salty.

Also, Coach Fraser laughed at me and said I looked “cute.” I think he’s in love with me. Oh, the drama.

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Calla Comes to Town – May 20, 2005 – 10:45pm
I have back-up this weekend! Calla is here to visit with and entertain the Q while I recuperate from a draining week and look forward to seeing TMWWIAIL. Calla has known Q since preschool, and she knows how to manage his . . . needs . . . and I feel like I found a really good babysitter. YAY! A real weekend of rest!!! Knock on wood.

Also, Napping
Kate let me run home early today. This might be because I was sleeping at my desk. Anyhoo, I got home and was in bed by 2:30pm, and then I slept straight through to 6 when Q & Calla picked me up for dinner. Now I’m going to bed again. I love my bed. I love sleeping. I love it even more when TMWWIAIL is sleeping beside me, but I’ll make do with what I have tonight.

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Party @ Ben’s House – May 21, 2005 – 9:09 pm 
Ben is moving to James Bay so we’re drinking. I’ll take any excuse, to be honest.

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Sunday Shmunday – May 22, 2005 – 11:33 am
My momma’s in Ireland digging out our family roots, and Jessie’s in Tuscany with a whole bunch of couples doing the wedding thang. I better get some quality postcards.

And Shmand
So apparently Q’s ex-neighbour Ben won a Beaver-Making Lego competition when he was twelve. That’s a pretty great claim to fame. Also, he’s sorta friends with Sketchy James, the guy that Jen left us for (or we left Jen for), and so both James & Jen were at Ben’s last night. Q had some deep conversation with Jennifer but I didn’t. Instead, I managed to make friends with the only gay boy at the party that we hadn’t brought. I’m a fricking magnet, I tell you.

AND SHMAND
I’m hungry. I can’t decide whether I should eat something or wait until our planned breakfast. That means another hour or three of no food . . . so I’ll eat something now. Yep.

On That Note
Sadie the Tarot Card Reader said that I sometimes don’t know something is true or that I’m thinking it until I say it aloud. Isn’t that perceptive?!

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IMR Aftershocks – May 23, 2005 – 10:13 am
I saw Ryan’s band play for the first time last night and I felt like the Best Groupie Ever. CoWorker Duncan told me to look nonchalant and aloof from the audience, so I stood in the back (motivated mainly, I confess, from a fear of crowds) and tried to look apathetic but they were Very Good and also the audience people were amazing to watch, and there was this guy who was taping the show and taking pictures and I was trying to suss out* his intentions — pirate their tv footage, whatever — but in actual fact he’s the daddy of some guy named Adrian and he’ll send the pictures over to the band asap because I cornered him and made friends and asked him to. So I wasn’t as nonchalant as I feel I could have been. AND Ryan gave me a t-shirt.

*haven’t seen or used this phrase in a decade or two. Just for kicks . . .

More Band Stuff
And the audience people were saying things like “unbelievable,” and one guy came in during Hooner’s drum bit at the beginning of a song and he just zoned out and stared right at the stage and handed his Starbucks to his girl. Mesmerized. That’s the word.

Nathan advised me to position my Groupie-Self behind a speaker or something to avoid unsightly hard nipples and other signs of arousal, and on an interesting note I was leaning against a pillar in the back and I could feel the bass everytime there was a deep note. Vibrations are so much fun.

As For the Q
Quinn drove Calla to the ferry at 4pmish, so she wasn’t there to watch the show, but Quinn came by to pay his respects.

QUINN: “These children need a haircut.”

And then he left. But with love in his heart.

Moment of Horror
I thought for a second just now that I was growing Black Ape Hair on my knuckles, but it’s just the marker from admission last night. Ew.

And Now It’s Monday
So I’m going to make a pot of Red Rose and watch Kids in the Hall on DVD (Season one, Episode 19, then start in on Season 2). Also, I started reading the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime by Mark Haddon the other day, while waiting for my ride in the band’s Chevy, and it is FUCKING AMAZING. So I’ll probably read some more of that too. And maybe the Q and I will take Celeste for a walk, since it got sunny today.

Contemplating a Countdown
I might be risking my mental health, but I’m considering a countdown to when Ryan’s band (aka TMWWIAIL) is back in town. They are supposed to be in Vancouver again on July 17th, and might play Victoria the weekend thereafter. Ick, July 17th is really far away. I hate the idea of looking forward to the almost-end of summer. So NO COUNTDOWN. I need a hobby. Maybe I’ll run some more. Or make a quilt. Or write something brilliant.

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Getting Picked-Up By the Bus Driver – May 24, 2005
BUS DRIVER: You look very nice today. Very nice indeed.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Certainly disoriented — I’m not used to being:
1. complimented by my bus driver;
2. complimented at 6:45 am when I’m still half-asleep.

I think it might be the dress. Not only am I dressed like a 25 year old today; my dress has progressively ripped from the bottom up in the past few months, so the slit in the middle now reveals a fair bit of thigh. Inappropriately sexy for work? Maybe. To compensate, I brushed my hair today.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
I dreamt that I missed today’s rowing practice. However, I also dreamt that it was storming outside, so I didn’t feel TOO badly.

Also
I am currently awaiting postcards from:
– Jessie (Tuscany or someplace)
– Momma (Ireland)
– TMWWIAIL (B.C. ferry and/or Vancouver).

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And In Other News – May 24, 2005 – 3:39 pm
Q and I had lunch with my new friend Shawn today. I’ve only ever communicated with Shawn via email — he just moved from London, Ontario, and I’ve been trying to help him get a job here, as a friend of a friend. He’s very smart, I suspect. He wrote his Master’s thesis on themes of masculinity in Fight Club. That is fricking brilliant. Also, he’s tall and pretty. And potentially straight (I no longer assume these things). A great asset to our company, all around.

The BoxSpring of Dooooooom
Ever since I obtained my new loft bed my ratty ’70’s boxspring has been sitting in the entranceway of the house, hoping for some poor student to adopt it. Today I have given up, and some guy named Pete is going to take it away for me.

Which is quite ironic, considering that it was Peter the Alpha Bun’s industrious chewing that disqualified the boxspring as a charitable donation.

“Peter”
I’m glad I’m not named Peter. It’s a fine enough name, and certainly the best name possible for an Alpha House Rabbit, but it’s not a very good human name. Too many Cottontail associations.

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Oh, Did I Mention That I’m A Genie? – May 25, 2005
I am a Walking Breathing Drinking Good Luck Charm. Hold me tight and rub my belly — I will turn the stoplights green for you and make that wart disappear.

In Other News
I was scanning the news stories from last night and there was one on the Burn Victims’ fundraiser at the Pacific Coliseum, which is where TMWWIAIL & his boyz played last night. And whatdyaknow, I watched it and there’s a quick shot of them doing sound check stuff on the stage. Full on CLOSE UP ROCKSTAR SHOT of TMWWIAIL.

The Connection Here Being
TMWWIAIL rubbed my belly and twelve hours later he’s on BCTV evening news as a PNE RockStar. Just imagine what would happen if he gave me a massage.

Also
I’d really like a massage.

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Atomic Vaudeville, Episode #12 – May 25, 2005 – 6:48 pm
This is the strangest feeling. I am PERFECTLY HAPPY. I keep thinking of my group date tonight, with Liv & Spencer & his sister Jill, and of how, in an hour or so, we’ll all be sitting together waiting for the show to start at Atomic Vaudeville’s monthly cabaret. NORMALLY I dread commitments. NORMALLY I get all anxious about the zero-hour approaching, even when it’s for an event that I CHOSE and really want to happen, and I get restless and wish I could just go to bed. But tonight I’m really truly actually looking forward to my planned event. Stressfree. Worry free. Nothing but warm rushes and comedy to look forward to.

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Ugh – May 26, 2005
I felt like death this morning. I didn’t bother eating before the show and Liv and I lived up the drunken quota Jessie & I have set. I remember:
– laughing a lot
– the barguy offering to hold the last bottles of Grower’s Pear in reserve for us
– walking CAREFULLY onstage to mix Easy Bake chocolate cake mix in a martini glass
– Spencer getting a special public birthday invitation to have a 3some with the Bush Twins (he loves them)
– eating a BigMac and the Best French Fries I Have Ever Eaten In My Entire 25 Years Of Existing
– trying to write TMWWIAIL an email without being able to see, because I forgot my glasses at Q’s house.

Fun fun fun . . . I can’t wait until next month. It’s their Best In Show episode and they’ll be resurrecting all the best skits from the year. I voted for:
– One Man The Matrix
– Coyote Ugly bar dance
– The Bush Twins’ lesbiams & fembianism skit
– Star Trek, starring Mike Delamont as Captain Kirk.
If anyone would like to join our Primo Front Row Table, please let me know. Jessie will be back from Italy by then, and I’m SURE Liv will come if she can. The dates are June 29& 30 (Wednesday & Thursday).

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SUMMERTIME!!!! – May 26, 2005
It is summer outside. Blue sky, HOT HOT HOT, sunshine and everything is neon. In a good way.

When I say that I hate Victoria, I really just mean that I’m restless and bored and want something new. Victoria itself, despite being a little biosphere of non-weather and old white couples, is fine. My discontent is only a reflection of my impatient nature.

Maybe I just need a really good, long vacation.

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Deja Vu Conversations – May 26, 2005 – 8:10 pm
RANDOM GUY: Hey, Heather.
HEATHER: Hiya. What’re you up to?
RANDOM GUY: Going to work / home / et cetera.
HEATHER: I’m on a quest to find confetti / french fries / et cetera.
RANDOM GUY: Oh yah. So what’s new with you? Are you seeing anyone?
HEATHER: I’m in love.
RANDOM GUY: With that comedian guy? Levi whatever?
HEATHER: No, no. That’s over. I’m in love with a real person.
RANDOM GUY: Does he know you’re in love with him?
HEATHER: Yep.
RANDOM GUY: That’s good. Does he live here?
HEATHER: No. He’s a RockStar and he’s on tour.
RANDOM GUY: Ah.
HEATHER: It’s a little band, from Richmond. They’re good people. I think they’re in Edmonton / Saskatoon / wherever today.
RANDOM GUY: How does he feel about you?
HEATHER: I think he’s in love with me too.
RANDOM GUY: Oh. Well, good luck with that.
HEATHER: Thanks.
RANDOM GUY: We should have coffee sometime.
HEATHER: Tea.
RANDOM GUY: Right.
HEATHER: Okay, bye.

In Other News
My rowers did really well tonight! We weren’t as fast as we could have been for the time trials, but the strokes were clean and no one “caught a crab” (i.e. got their blade — that means oar — caught in the water). I was appropriately bossy and my rowers said I did a great job. We didn’t hit anything, and I managed to yell the whole time without giggling. I’ll let you know how we did when the results are posted tomorrow. The average time, apparently, is between 130 and 150 seconds to row 500 metres. And Coach Fraser said we looked great, so I expect us to be somewhere on the fast end.

Then we ate pizza and drank coke and I walked home with a belly that stuck out over my pants. Honestly, it’s as if my Government weight migrates around my body. Sometimes I have a second chin, sometimes I look pregnant, blah blah blah. Regardless, I have excellent self-esteem and my chameleon body only adds to the fact that I find the world HILARIOUS.

Still, I’m considering lifting weights or SOMETHING to get my arm-girth under control . . . but maybe that was just the BigMac I had last night . . .

Yucky Moment
I just rubbed my cheek and there’s a salty patch where Gorge Water splashed me, then dried. I HAVE GORGE ON MY FACE. I need a shower. EW.

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Jean-Vive the Princess’s Laureat – May 27, 2005
I was walking down Fort and this guy kept diagonalling across the road. Then at a stop light he commented on the sunshine and I concurred that it would be hot today – 29-degrees, I’ve heard – and we walked to Starbucks together. Jean-Vive (is that a name??) said that springtime birds & flowers give his heart butterflies, and he described silky leaves as “tasty,” and then he showed me his sketchbook. It has black pages and he draws in pen & pencil crayon.

There were:

  • two drawings of cars (one sporty thing, one minivan);
  • five houses with Escher-like perspective, which apparently all belong to “The Princess”;
  • flowers (including one drawing of “Magical Flowers”);
  • one airplane;
  • one space gun;
  • one space motorbike;
  • the console of the airplane: one version included a co-pilot seat;
  • the living room, bedroom, and observatory of The Princess’s House;
  • a portrait of his sister, when happy.

In Other News
I forgot until today, but Q and I are going to a schmancy dress-up event this weekend. I get to wear Grown-Up Clothes and be aloof.

Also, I am babysitting Celeste tonight. I think I might be bonding with Liv at some point as well, but we planned whatever it was while drinking at Atomic Vaudeville so I can’t remember what the hell we said.

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Movie 1 of 3: Closer – Friday, May 27, 2005 – 11:49 pm
Q said I’d hate it because of the infidelity. I am a passionate monogamist, thanks to my parents (and my inability to multitask), and yes I did SCREAM at the tv when Julia Roberts & co. kissed those other than their designated partners in love.

HEATHER: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t Do It!!!!!!

BUT saving grace was Jane Jones / Alice Ayers, the young one. The stripper. She had the best sort of attitude re: love. And she never cheated. At first I thought she was a weenie for being so dependent on the writer-guy, but then she got strong and it is HER version of love that I like. NOT cynical. Open and Honest and Sexy.

And I love it that at the end she’s walking and all the guys on the sidewalk turn to stare at her. Because while it might be because she’s beautiful, it’s ALSO because she’s the best at love and that makes her all shiny & pretty.

Next Up: Sideways 
And yet another load of laundry. I have too many clothes.

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Heaven = Q’s Rooftop Patio – Sunday, May 29, 2005 – 12:54 am
In addition to my new hammock, we also have a rug and camping chairs and a wading pool (which took 50,000 buckets of water to fill, fireline-style) + Neighbour Ben’s hibachi grill, Christmas lights, another rug, and a BEER FRIDGE.

Needless to say, I had a great Saturday. We grew from me and Celeste, to four of us, to eight, then Q & I left for his Grown Up Rotary Fundraiser Dinner, then we came back to a dozen or so rooftop boozers. Ben and I are contemplating setting up our Christmas trees. Tiki torches. Volleyball court.

Watching Team America 
So good. I really love the “panthers.”

And Then, After the Rooftop Patio
Leland wanted to go to Keroake, so we went to Soprano’s which Q & I have never been to. Leland sang “Take Me Out” and it was groovy. Two girls danced, and I cheered like a wild thing.

Songs That I Might One Day Sing @ Keroake:

  • “Dream” by Fleetwood Man (Q & I do a sweet duet)
  • “Did I Shave My Legs For This” (hopefully with my boyz as backup)
  • “Deeper Than the Holler(?)” by Randy Travis (childhood memories)

I love singing. I would have gone onstage but it was busy and the boyz wanted to leave because it would have taken too long to get our turn(s). Also, I have had about 6 ciders today and been awake for 17 hours and I find those factors make me braver.

Life As a Groupie . . .
is pretty fucking dull when the RockStar’s out of the province. I’ve temporarily retired my Groupie persona in favour of that steadfast favourite: Fruit Fly. It’s so much easier. And since I’m getting more physical affection from Leland & Lance these days than TMWWIAIL, it’s also a more practical lifestyle.

Speaking of Lance
One of my most recently-met ‘mos & a favourite . . . he was sunning himself on the rooftop and he took his shirt off. Now, I’m not a muscle girl, but he has biceps that look like baseballs and man-boobs (in a good way). Yiminy. I noticed a lot of the other boyz were having trouble completing their sentences.

Tomorrow
Is brunchy brunch. We go and eat bagels and jam and drink OJ & champagne and devour eggs benny, etc. We wait for one of my various ex-boyfriends (gay and/or straight) to show up. We get our Tarot Cards read, and the boyz compare skin care products, and we gossip about who is where and what’s going on in June. Quinn eats the fruit garnishes on my plate. And THEN . . .

Back To The Rooftop Patio 🙂

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Sith Happens – Sunday, May 29, 2005 – 10:36 pm
An excellent weekend altogether. I am sunny and calm and I spent all day with beautiful beautiful men.

After a day of brunch and drinking / pooling / napping on the roof, we went to see Star Wars III – The somethingsomething Sith and it was groovy. I’m in love with Natalie Portman. NOT because of Star Wars, but because of Closer. It was a pleasant surprise to run into her again at Silver City. Also, I liked it when Anikan/Darth Vader got his legs burned off. Haha.

Uber-Cynic
I’ve found my Arch Nemesis. Adam is a young’un — 21 or something, I think — but he’s the most cynical person I’ve ever met. We grate on each other. Also, he smokes.

Smoking & Why I Hate It
I respect free choice, but when one person’s choice interferes with another person’s choice it is NOT OKAY. I choose to drink, but I wouldn’t spike a non-drinker’s beverage. Other examples of inconsiderate choices: rape, murder, theft, and most other CRIMINAL activities. They are criminal because they demonstrate a lack of respect for another person’s choice to not partake in the activity.

Also, to be fair, I don’t mind when people smoke around me. Usually. Most smokers I know are considerate and they will position themselves downwind, and not smoke in closed spaces, and will not ash all over your pizza. Or whatever.

BUT when this consideration is not shown I get pissy. Why the fuck is your decision to harm yourself more important than my decision NOT to? If I was pregnant, I can only hope Inconsiderate Smokers would be a little more aware of the repurcussions of their actions. But why would that make a difference? They don’t want to hurt my baby– Why is it okay to hurt me?

Fuckers.

Anyhoo, that’s my rant. Good night.

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Jessie’s Back From Italy!!!!!!! – Monday, May 30, 2005
YAY!!!!!!!!!

AND Justin got a super sweet amazing dream job with Microsoft down in Seattle, which is the best thing ever (for him). We are all very very proud. (I want a Mini Cooper for Christmas, please, Super J.)

Too Many Words
When I’m not writing something big and focused I get verbal diareah (how do I spell that? Weird word). Q thought I was drunk today while walking Celeste on Dallas Road, but NO I’m just FULL of WORDS and they spew out like embarrassing word-farts. I need a good idea.

Or . . . I Could Make a Career Change
I want to be an Old Navy commercial dancing girl.

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About Surrey – Tuesday, May 31, 2005 – 3:56 pm 
I’m leaving for two days, to go to a work thingy in Surrey. Yay, Surrey. Yep. How exotic is that? Very exotic.

I AM excited about:
– the airplane
– the hotel
– the Moxie’s in the hotel.

And I have a Super Special Grown Up expense account to charge taxi rides, food, et cetera to. So that will be fun.

Bunnies are the best pets in the world, not only for the obvious reasons (??) but also because they can fend for themselves if I run away for a few days. In fact, I suspect they prefer it when they have the house to themselves.

Peter’s Pedicure
I was motivated to cut Peter’s nails yesterday. They are getting quite long and I was worried the new downstairs neighbour would hate me. So I clipped them, despite a lot of anxiety from both Peter & me. He seems okay, though, despite the trauma, and is (of course) eating right now. And I didn’t hear him scurry around last night on the hardwood.

Other Adventures
Tonight is my last rowing practice before the regatta this Saturday!!! And it’s sunny outside, after a day of rain, so that’s good. And Friday I’m playing Groupie with Liv for some band. I have Belfry tickets for earlier that night, so I’m hoping we can do a Culture/Rock combo.