Tag Archives: apocalypse

Revelations

Apocalypse-proof skills ground us in a digital age

I crave an apocalypse. Not the sort where the earth implodes, or even the kind that wipes out half the population and creates a Lord of the Flies society. I want an apocalypse where we no longer have electricity, fossil fuels or chequing accounts. (Okay, maybe I’m not pro-apocalypse: maybe I’m just a Luddite.)

For years I’ve felt that our decadent, hedonistic North American society is a single Jenga block away from collapse.

Call it “peak oil” or “climate change” or “I can’t afford to stay home with my new baby because child care is cheaper than me not working”— call it whatever you want. We’ve built a tower so high that we can’t remember how or why we started. I want to see what happens when the pieces fall and we have to rebuild.

My desire to return to a simpler time is probably a reaction to how complicated life has become in the past ten years, not just for me as I aged into full-time work and a mortgage, but also for our society. We live in the Information Age, yet have no idea how our world works.

Where does pepper come from? How does a radio work? Such information is only a Google search or YouTube video away, but instead of asking the “why” of things we waste our time with Netflix and Facebook.

We’re confident that this information will always be available, if we need it. But in a post-apocalyptic world (with no electricity, much less the Internet), it will be too late to ask Google how to light a fire without matches.

Mission: Learn apocalypse-friendly skills

This feeling of becoming disconnected from the practical world, of realizing I no longer understood how things worked, first hit me at age nineteen — coincidentally, when I got my first email address.

In 1999, with Y2K looming, I inventoried my skills and realized I would have nothing to offer, should my desire for a simpler society come true and the Industrial-Technological Age be knocked to its pale, bony knees. Thanks to my university education I could write essays and parse a poem. My skills would not feed, shelter or heal anyone in the New World. I would have nothing to offer as society struggled to rebuild.

That summer I took action, in the form of a quilting class. And when I wrapped myself in the warm blanket I’d made, I tasted empowerment. I no longer depended on the industrial system — I could make my own blankets, thank you very much. I knew how to use a sewing machine, and sew by hand if necessary.

And once I understood the logic of how a quilt is made, of how a sewing machine runs, I could control the process. I could improvise, be creative and improve on the status quo. When I saw quilts that others had made, I was no longer detached: I saw the quilt’s components, admired skilled stitching and felt a connection to the quilt maker. Those few sewing classes made me hungry to learn more skills.

Years later, when my husband Brock proposed that we abandon our urban condo and start a ten-acre vegetable farm, my apocalypse fantasies became more practical. Maybe society wouldn’t collapse, maybe we’d still have a mortgage and hydro bills, but we would be growing our own food and building our own home. Living on a farm would test my mettle for the practical, grounded life I longed for. And it has.

My love of learning practical skills is necessary to my adopted role as a “farm wife.” When you have 600 tomato plants in your backyard, it makes sense to learn how to make and can salsa.

For one summer I worked alongside Brock on our farm and learned skills that will get me into any post-apocalypse commune. Show me a handful of seeds, and I can tell you what they’ll grow: I know the seed that looks like a mummified tooth will become Swiss chard, while the thin rice grain will leaf out into lettuce. I can distinguish cabbage from cauliflower when they’re still only seedlings (no small feat). I know exactly when a broccoli crown is ready for harvest, judging by the tightness of the head, and even how to cut it so the stalk will continue to produce more side shoots.

After five years on our farm I can make pickled beets, sauerkraut, jam, sprouts, garlic scape jelly, kombucha and cheese. I know which seeds can be saved for planting, and how to save them.

The Renaissance Women

Despite gaining all these useful abilities, in 2011 I realized there were still hundreds of skills I could learn. Through the farm I’d met many amazing local women who, with young families and/or businesses to run, were just as busy as I was, but whom I wanted to get to know better. It would be inefficient to cultivate friendships with so many busy people separately, so I invited these women to join me in learning a new practical skill as a group once a month for a year.

I limited my invitation list to the artists— writers, photographers, jewelry makers and other craftspeople— so the monthly gatherings would also provide regular inspiration for our art, and we could document the experience through blog posts, audio documentaries, paintings, et cetera.

At our first meeting I served sprouted wheat bread, cheese and kombucha that I’d made. We named ourselves the Renaissance Women.

A year and a half later, I can sew clothing from a pattern and have made pottery dishes. I can make bread from a sourdough starter, yogurt and soap. I know there’s a patch of heal-all growing as a weed in my front yard, and how to peel and eat a thistle. Last week I learned to use a fly rod and spin reel to catch fish. Compared to where I was at age nineteen, I would be an incredible asset to any post-apocalyptic community.

And sure, maybe the system won’t collapse. Maybe our society will continue to evolve (or not) and we’ll meander along, our smartphones getting smarter as we become more disconnected from the foundations of this world we’ve created, more dependent on the luxuries and conveniences our parents and grandparents invented so we could live a life of leisure.

All I know is that, as I learn more practical skills, I feel more grounded in this increasingly complex, overwhelming, abstract world.

“Apocalypse” comes from a Greek word meaning “uncover” or “reveal,” and I like knowing what lies beneath.

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Originally published in The Winnipeg Review on June 27, 2012.

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April 2008

Saturday, April 5, 2008 – Dirty hands and sore bodies

This weekend we are planting 3,500 strawberry plants. Yes, thirty-five hundred. The rows have been dug up and tilled, the deer fence is 99% done (and will be 100% done by the end of the weekend), and we are officially starting a crop. We are planting 1,500 June-bearers (that means they grow strawberries in June — we won’t be able to harvest from them until next year) and 2,000 ever-bearers, which produce whenever they’re in the mood.

It is very hard on our (flabby, sit-all-day-at work) bodies to do this. It involves being on your knees for hours, moving up and down the rows. Apparently it’s not nearly as difficult as PICKING the strawberries. Anyhoo, after two 100-foot rows we’re taking a break now. I’m drinking tea and doing dishes; Brock is rototilling another row. Rototilling, for anyone who hasn’t done it, is a lot like using a lawnmower, except that the big blades right by your feet make it more dangerous — like everything else in farming.

Brock has one week left working for government, before he becomes a full-time farmer. He’s giddy about it. I’m often jealous, until the weekend when we work all the time and I’m grateful to get back to my office job on Monday. Other milestones: the tomatoes I planted back in March are almost a foot high now, with pencil-thick stems and lots of green. They smell tomato-y when I brush against them. I’ve planted nine different kinds of melons in a seed tray, all of which are now up and an inch or so tall. We were mystified by three oddly tall sprouts, until Brock realized they were sweetpeas and that I must have double-planted that part. (I was defending them as vines, and told him to be open-minded.)

Our asparagus look like baby ferns, except they’re almost a foot high and are supposed to only be 4-inches tall when I plant them outside a few weeks from now. Somehow that timing seems to have gone awry. I tried “hardening them off” by putting them outside during the daytime, but some frosty mornings seem to have culled the weaker ones. They are now recuperating in the greenhouse.

Is it just us, or is the news FULL of prophecies warning of an impending food crisis/shortage? Grain has doubled in cost. The price of rice has increased by 100% in some parts of the world. Gasoline (and therefore transportation costs for your winter strawberries) is going up, with no end in sight. If we hadn’t already bought land and started an organic farm, that’s what I’d be doing right now. Good thing we have an 8-foot high deer fence surrounding the property: when the apocalypse comes, we’ll have to fight to protect our tomatoes.

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Monday, April 7, 2008 – Farmer Heather vs. the Stinging Nettle

I first heard of stinging nettles in Carolyn Heriot’s book. She suggests making nettle tea, as a “spring tonic” to rejuvenate gardeners post-winter. Nettles can also be rotted down into a potent plant food. This excited me. I like tea.

When we were strolling the fence line of our farm awhile back, I asked Brock to identify a few of the stranger, more prolific plants. “Weeds, weeds, and that’s a stinging nettle.” YAY! I had my own stinging nettles!! I could make tea and plant food for my baby tomato plants, which are growing way too leggy for their 4-inch pots!! I envied our neighbours, Hank and Gladys, who had a lovely crop of stinging nettles on their side of the fence. Maybe I could ask them for some, if I needed extras . . .

Then there was the soup. We attended the launch of the Cowichan Valley’s food security action plan, which was catered by Amuse, a local/French restaurant in Shawnigan Lake. The appies were amazing: mussels, pate, all local . . . and small samples of nettle soup. Ohmigod, I could make soup. And it was delicious. Sort of creamy, but with a pleasant tang. I took seconds.

Tonight we were putting up yet another strand of barbed wire on our deer fence, and Brock dropped a nail. Being the wonderful love partner I am, and appreciating that my freakishly tall man has a sore back these days, I bent to get the nail. Which had fallen among a bunch of stinging nettle plants.

Un-gloved fingers met nettles, and I realized that there’s a reason they’re called “stinging.” It hurt like a wookie wook. My fingers were full of bee-sting, needles-in-soft-places, there’s-something-crawling-on-the-inside-of-my-skin pain. Brock claimed more fencing would distract me from the burning agony, and he was right — a few minutes later I could function again, with minimal whining. But holy cow, I now respect these edible, nutritious weeds that are sprouting along our fence line. My fingers are still tingling.

Also: there are crickets outside. This is way too rural.

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Monday, April 14, 2008 – Brock’s wearing his dress shirts while rototilling

This weekend was deliriously sunny and 21-degrees, and Brock’s only long-sleeve shirt was too dirty to wear (that’s saying a lot). That is the explanation for why I caught him rototilling while wearing shorts, a hat, and a white dress shirt from his government wardrobe. With the tea towel on his head, he looked a lot like Lawrence of Arabia + a crazy man. (The tea towel was to protect his already-red neck from the sun. Logical, I suppose.)

In other exciting news, this Saturday was my 28th birthday!!!!!! It was a wonderful day. I did all the things I love doing, including drinking wine and watching the bunnies romp, and transplanting my tomatoes into gallon pots. Not exactly the sort of thing I would have chosen to do last year, but times are a’ changin’ and I love getting my hands dirty. Aside from the 75 tomatoes, I also transplanted a bunch of melons (8 different kinds), sweet peppers and red habanero peppers. I do not enjoy spicy food, but the challenge of growing the Hottest Peppers Possible is one that I have taken on. I ordered one packet of seeds that I have to wear gloves when planting.

Two other projects this weekend were: 1. expanding the bunnies’ play area from their 20 sq. feet to an area larger than my wee home. Peter and Delilah are so spoiled. Brock built their super fence as a birthday gift to me — he knows that when my bunnies are happy, I’m happy. And wow, this new area is exactly what they needed. My favourite thing is to sit with Brock and drink a glass of wine and watch them explore their new habitat.

Peter & Delilah

2. We also built a small greenhouse onto the Southwest side of our home. It’s temporary, since we only need it for another month or so, but it’s a huge relief not to be sharing our living space with 1,000,000 tomato plants – no matter how yummy they smell. We’re hoping the attached design will keep them warm enough overnight. We’ll be monitoring the thermostat throughout the night, and might have to do a midnight rescue, but hopefully this will solve our limited-space, too-many-goddamn-tomatoes problem.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008 – Healthy eating is relative

Back in the early days of farming (yes, I’m already becoming retrospective), Brock said “Imagine how healthy our meals will be! Eggs, bacon, toast and butter from our own farm!” I questioned this as a weird Atkins-way of thinking. His logic was that local and homemade = healthy. We’d know what those chickens and pigs ate, we’d have grown the grain and could be 100% certain that there wasn’t anything icky in our food (e.g. DDT, Round Up, Miracle Grow).

I browsed Duncan’s organic grocery store the other day with my lovely coworkers, Patti and Kathleen, and we had a similar conversation. What’s better: the certified organic bananas from California, or the beets from Cobble Hill? Does “healthy eating” mean buying local and keeping our money in the neighbourhood? Is it eating seasonally (and therefore no bananas EVER if you’re a Canadian)? Is it choosing organic? How about vegetarians: is it healthier and more environmentally responsible to eat veggies from Mexico or Argentine, where they’ve been sprayed with unknown chemicals and then shipped vast distances, or should we eat beef that’s lived a cruelty-free, pasture-raised life on a local farm?

My mom has questioned why I microwave potatoes. “Doesn’t that destroy all the nutrients?” Maybe that’s a good thing, considering that Round Up (a serious pesticide) is routinely used in conventional potato farming to “toughen up” the potatoes.

I think it all comes down to what your individual politics and priorities are. I’m a farmer, and I like supporting local businesses, so I think eating local is important. Eating seasonal foods is not only logical, but helps keep me on the “eat local” track, since if there’s asparagus in the store in the fall, I can be sure it didn’t grow in the Cowichan Valley, much less Canada. I love steak and bacon, but I’m a huge mush when it comes to animals, so it makes sense that I should eat animals that I know have lived good lives. I’m entirely convinced that cancer and other terrible diseases are the result of our consuming poisons through our food and other environmental factors, so conventional farming methods are not okay for me. And if all that means I can have bacon, eggs, toast and butter for breakfast and feel great about my choices, then why not?

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Sunday, April 27, 2008 – B&E at the farm

Instead of an alarm clock this morning, I woke up to:

Brock: “THERE ARE DEER IN THE STRAWBERRIES!!!!”

Like Batman (farmer version), Brock jumped into his superhero outfit (i.e. mud-stained sweats, gumboots and a dirty coat) and raced to the back end of our property. I supervised through the window as Brock herded the two wee deer around the strawberry patch and toward our front gate, where they jumped through a weak spot in our fence into the neighbour’s field.

We walked out together to survey the damage: the deer had browsed one 100-foot row of June-bearing strawberry plants like a salad bar. The rest of the rows were untouched. We were SO VERY LUCKY.

As a result, we spent our day building a deer fence to block our vegetable rows off from the vulnerable front of our property, where the gate opens to the road, surrounded by the weakest parts of our fence. About halfway through the first section (165 feet of 6-foot page wire, held up by 2x4s that Brock sledgehammered into the ground while perched atop a ladder), Brock decided to call his parents and ask for help. Randy and Debbie came to our rescue and spent a good 7+ hours with us in the rain.

It is now 8:05 p.m. and we are exhausted. Best-friend Quinn mocks us for going to bed at such early hours, being the Vancouver socialite that he is, but this is what happens when you battle plant-loving pests in an attempt to earn an income.

Also: the bunnies are doing very well. I caught Peter napping out in the open, mid-monsoon this afternoon. At least Delilah was smart enough to sleep under a lawnchair.